Journaling for Record Keeping and Deschooling

In the state where we live, we don't have to show our homeschooling records to anyone.  Still, I decided to start keeping records of what we do once the kids hit compulsory school age.  The first year, I only kept records for E, which I summarized in the post E's First Official Not School Year.  I mostly only wrote down the things that would be considered "academic" or "educational" by school standards.  Last year, I recorded these things for both E and L.  I started to write a similar post, but it was so time consuming I didn't finish.  That's all time I could be spending with my kids instead!

At first, I wanted this record keeping to serve as a Homeschooling Record for legal purposes if ever needed and also as memories.  After doing it for two years though, I expanded the purpose of doing it.  I wanted it to be a legal record, memories, reminders, and encouragement.  Also, because D is now in another city for work most of the time, this is a record of memories for him since he's missing a lot, (even though we talk every day).

I also noticed that because I was mostly writing down the things that a school would consider academic or educational, I began to have the tendency to put more importance on those things than on other activities.  I tried very hard not to let this affect the way I related to the kids, the things I suggested that we do or the things I helped them do, but it was a thing in the back of my mind all the time.  I didn't like that.

So this year, I'm doing things a bit differently.  This is my system:

I have a spiral bound notebook that I usually keep in the kitchen (up high enough that a certain 3 year old doesn't swipe it.  Low enough that I see it when I pop into the kitchen throughout the day).  

-I write down things that all the kids do, school age or not.

-I write down all types of things without trying to put them in school categories or "educationese."  I can always comb through and do that later if this were ever actually needed as a legal school record.  It probably won't be however, and writing down all sorts of things helps keep myself in the mindset that we are always learning, not only when it can be qualified and quantified in schoolish ways.
-I'm not putting dates, though I might go back and put a note of each month and separate it by months from now on, just to make it easier to find things.  

-I abbreviate and I'm concise, usually just putting just enough to jog my memory, not long paragraphs or stories.  I make a note if I've put a longer story on my blog or a message board or facebook.

- There are some things that they do daily that I don't write down every day.  I make a note in the margins like, "Daily- play with neighborhood kids, ride bikes/scooters/ripstick," or "Daily- help with baby A without being asked- like to dress her, change her diaper, carry her, bathe her, play with her."

Even if you don't need to keep records for your state, this is a great help for deschooling.  Everything I write down makes me even more aware of all the things I'm not writing down.  Writing down "played Littlest Pet Shop" doesn't do any justice to 2 hours spent cooperating with each other, organizing and grouping items, massive amounts of imagination used for pretending, learning from each other, relating their current pretend game to other concepts and incorporating those ideas, and on and on.  I can't possibly record it all or quantify it all or even be aware of everything going on in their heads that I can't see.

I highly recommend doing it for a month or a week or even a day and seeing just how much learning you can observe when you're paying attention.  At the end of a day, you might think back and not be able to remember much that was particularly exciting, but when you write it down, it's suddenly much more obvious that learning was happening all the time.  

Will Unschooled Kids Ever Choose to Do Anything Unpleasant?

People wonder if unschooled kids would ever choose to do something unpleasant, that they don't particularly want to do, but that needs to be done.  I have a story from a few days ago that might be encouraging to anyone wondering this.

E is 8 (9 in December) and she's had a few pet sitting jobs in the past.  She had one all of last week taking care of a chicken and two cats.  The cats pooped on the couch, and we saw it this morning.  She was grossed out and gagging, but without hesitation asked me to help her find something to clean it up.  She cleaned it up thoroughly.  I don't think it crossed her mind to do otherwise, because she is very happy to have the job and to be known as being responsible enough to get these jobs. 

She also offered to give L some of the money she earned, because her sister was her "assistant."  And when I was talking to the woman at the music academy (not really an academy, just a program for kids to learn to play instruments put on by the local symphony) about a payment plan for the one time registration fee for the violin classes the girls asked for, E offered to use some of her pet sitting money to pay for it.   

This is the result of her never having had any chores (though she often willingly helps out), and of her having a dog who I usually clean up after without complaint.  The result of giving her spending money with no strings attached.  Also the result of being willing to get all the kids (four of them) dressed and out the door twice a day for the last week to drive her to this job, joyfully, often singing as we go.  

Nature Scavenger Hunt

We went for a walk on a trail near our house today, and did a scavenger hunt. 

We found:
smooth
green (too easy! haha!)
a seed (pine nuts)
a weed
a flower
edible (pine nuts)

 signs of erosion

signs of fall coming
a reflection in the water

 signs of animals being there (see the bird poop?)
I didn't take pictures of the trash that indicated people had been there.

We looked for something twisted, but didn't find that one.

 On the way home, we stopped at Walmart, so they could get a drink.  I had to stay outside with the dog, so E went in by herself to pay for the drink. 

A was on my back in the carrier the whole time, so I didn't get a picture of her.  Here's a picture of her at home.

Time Management for the Unschooling Parent

Time management books have a lot of great ideas, but they usually work off the assumption that the reader is either using them to manage their time at an out-of-home job or that the kids are in school most of the day or they don't take into account having kids at all.  A few books are designed for stay-at-home moms or even homeschooling moms, but then they usually include advice on how to schedule your kids lives right along with when to do your dishes and laundry.

So I'm going to offer a few ideas on managing your time as a **radical unschooling parent, so you can spend more time with your kids and less time in crises mode with things like cleaning, bills, appointments, shopping, etc.  I'm no expert by any means, and with 4 kids including an infant, being the President of a non-profit organization, and for several months every summer my husband is out of town for work, so I'm solo parenting (going on 5 months right now), I can't keep up on everything. But I can get a little something done in every area, almost every day, and compared to a few years ago or even last year, things run a lot more smoothly.  These are things that have helped me, and I hope they'll help you too.     


Time is the Great Equalizer

How many hours are in your day?  Take out the amount of time for the sleep you need.  However many hours are left is the amount of time you have with which to work.

Now write down everything you do in a day- cleaning, dishes, laundry, paying bills, packing your spouse's lunch for work, making meals, walking the dog, everything- and how much time each thing takes.

You might want to keep a record as you go for several days, so you get a realistic picture of how
much time things actually take.  You might think it only takes a 5 minutes to do the lunch dishes, but then your 5 year old wants to show you something, your 2 year old wants to help, and your 10 year old decides that now he's hungry after all, so you fix him something and make more dishes.  You have a choice- be resentful about these perceived interruptions or enjoy the time you have to be with your children and do things for them.  Choose joy- after all, that's probably a big reason you choose unschooling in the first place!  And because you're unschooling, you're not rushing to get the dishes done so you can go do school with the kids so they learn something- this IS the learning!  When they are watching or helping you do the dishes, they are learning.  When you are answering their questions or having a conversation while you do the dishes, they are learning.  So be realistic and write down that doing the lunch dishes takes 30 minutes (or whatever it takes for you).

Also write down how much time your children need your undivided attention.  Obviously this is going to be different every day, but you can get a ball park estimate.  Be aware of your kids' natural rhythms.  Maybe your daughter really likes spending time with you first thing when she wakes up, but you notice she's ready to go do her own thing after an hour or two.  Maybe your son wants to be left alone in the morning, but likes you to stay up with him at night.  

Now you have written down how much time it takes to do things, and probably one of two things happened.  There were things you never got to during the day that you didn't have time to do or you cut into time you wanted to spend sleeping to get it all done.  Either way, if you're like most people, there are more things to do in a day than there are hours to do them.

Fitting It All In

Getting it all done is going to be easier now, because you know how much time each task takes.  If those things added up to more than the number of hours you're awake, you're going to ruthlessly cut the things that aren't directly linked to the happiness and well being of your family.  Your best friend likes to text 30 times a day, and you now realize that replying is taking up an hour of your day.  Sorry, honey, we're down to 5 replies per day.   Maybe you've been cooking gourmet meals 3 times a day, and then you're frustrated that the kids won't eat them.  Stick with PB&J and fruit for now (or whatever you kids like) and spend the hours your just saved with your kids. No one can tell you which things to drop and which to keep, because it's going to depend on the individual dynamics of your family.    Personally, I hardly spend any time on makeup and clothes.  I've never cared about makeup, but I do imagine the days when I have time to put together a decent outfit and do something other than a ponytail with my hair.  But it's about priorities and those aren't mine.  Maybe that's important to you though, so you cut something else.     


Doing a little something every day consistently is better than doing a huge chuck of a project for hours one day and then not again for a week.  The book The Slight Edge talks about consistency.  An example of this for me is yoga.  I would love to do yoga for an hour each day at home and take a yoga class a few times a week.  Realistically, that doesn't fit into my life, so I would only do it sporadically, on the rare occasion when I could carve out an hour of my day.  Then I realized, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I can do 20 minutes a day!  20 minutes done consistently 5 or 6 days a week adds up to more than an hour once every week or two.  Plus my body gets the benefit of it being a habit.

What helps me be flexible, is that when things are getting done on a small scale, consistently, *most* days, it's not such a big deal to miss a day.  For example, I don't budget and pay bills only on payday or even once a week.  I do it daily.  Which means that most days, I'm just opening a spreadsheet, inputting the $20 I spent yesterday and closing it.  Easy, 2 minutes of my life, but just opening it reminds me what bills are coming up that I need to be aware of, and it means I'm keeping track of my spending every day so that I'm not scrambling at the end of the week to figure out where the money went.  And if life gets hectic and I miss two days of the week and then I don't do it on the Sabbath, I've still succeeded in doing it the other 4 days a week, so more often than not and plenty often enough to be organized.  

 I'm talking about the potential problems of this...

Get your house under control.  The book The House That Cleans Itself has some great ideas for streamlining cleaning and making your house fit your natural tendencies.  When you were timing how long activities took throughout the day, how many things took twice as long as they should have because you couldn't find the supplies?  Or because you had to clean off the space to do it.  Your daughter wanted to paint, but it took 10 minutes to find the brushes, 5 minutes to clean off the counter from breakfast 3 hours ago, and you discovered a rotten apple stuffed in with the paper.  You're trying to get everyone ready to go out the door, but

...not this.

you can't find a clean shirt for one kid and in the mean time the toddler gets undressed.  You want to
help your son find out more about the plant he found, but the laptop is dead and it takes you 10 minutes to discover that your 2 year old buried it under the pile of dirty clothes in the bedroom while pretending it was a snake.

Yes, a great thing about unschooling is that many people realize that they don't "have to" do things any certain way.  You can shrug off your mother's voice in your head telling you to make your bed every morning, and you can revel in the pure fun of letting your kids make a fort with the couch cushions or paint the shower walls.

But it really is easier to help kids explore their interests if you can easily find supplies, and it really is more fun to make a temporary mess in a clean space, than to make a mess that turns an already messy house into one worthy of a CPS call.       

Take a day off.  Seriously.  For me, that's the weekly Sabbath from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown.  Take your day off according to your religion's sabbath or the day your spouse has off work or whenever.  Just do it every week.  When I started implementing it, it was for religious beliefs, and I had NO IDEA how on earth I was going to fit all the things I couldn't fit in to 7 days, into 6 days.  Amazingly, things started fitting better!

One thing about unschooling is that we don't have an outside structure being imposed on us, so days blend into weeks blend into months.  Some people really enjoy that aspect and that is probably an important part of deschooling.  Eventually, however, life's natural and cultural cycles catch up with us- the bills need to be paid every month, holidays roll around, seasons change, and one important part of helping our kids explore their interests is providing the opportunities to do related things.  Taking one day out every week to see what is coming up, setting aside the money for that holiday trip to grandma's, deciding to switch out the summer clothes for winter clothes this week or getting your kid signed up for that robotics convention, means you're not panicking at the last minute.

Also on the Sabbath, I don't clean or shop or run errands or work my to do list.  I just rest.  As much
as a I can with 4 young kids in the house, anyway!  I spend time with them, like I do every day, but when they are busy doing their own thing, I do self care things for me. 

Plan out your week and your day.  Here's the dilemma I imagine all unschooling parents face-  How to get the things done that need to be done (cleaning, shopping, any other commitments) while respecting that our kids are separate human beings, with their own desires and needs for how to spend their days?  We need to grocery shop or go to the post office, but they don't want to leave the house today.  We need to make phone calls, but they are playing loud music and dancing.

I remind myself in those moments that I chose unschooling.  I chose not to send my kids away so I could get other things done.  I chose to be with them.

This is where flexibility is the key.     

Now that you've cut your activities down to the essential ones for the peace and happiness of your family, organize what you have left to do.  What I have done is laid out everything I need to do- making meals, daily cleaning, outside commitments, managing finances, working my to-do list, and things just for me like yoga and writing.  Then I organized it around time set aside to give my kid my undivided attention, based on when they tend to need me most.

Some things just don't make sense to be done daily.  Like grocery shopping.  So I broke that down into two parts- meal planning and grocery shopping and try not to do them on the same day.  There are a few other things that I do weekly, but I do them on different days of the week.  So I'm only doing one weekly task every day

On paper, this looks like a schedule, but the way it works out in reality is not strictly structured.  My kids have no idea that I've done this, except that they recognize a loose routine to the day, but since that flows with their own natural rhythms it works for them too.  I don't hold them to it, it's for me.  The way I do that, is by being willing to totally mix things up.  Knowing that I have everything written down so nothing is forgotten, and knowing that I really do have enough hours in the day to do it all, and doing things consistently most days, so that it's not such a big deal to miss a day, frees me up to easily switch things around.

I usually do yoga in the morning before the kids wake up, but if they wake up early and need me, no big deal.  I just do yoga later while they are happy playing or while we watch tv together or if they want to join me, we all do it together.

On paper, I walk the dog every day after dinner, but if the kids want to go to the park at 10am, I say sure!  We hop in the car, go to the park, and take the dog. Or if they don't want to walk with me, I can walk her up and down our street while they play in the yard.  Or we all just go stand at the edge of field at the end of our street and let her play there.  Or one of the kids will decide to walk her around our neighborhood.  

Flexibility is about making choices based on your values.  If you're clear about your values and priorities, then creating a system like this shouldn't lock you in to an unchanging schedule.  It should just help you see the big picture, and all the little parts that make up the picture, and in any moment you can choose which part to paint next, according to everyone's needs and your principles.  

Be willing to constantly tweak this.  I've been doing some version of this for at least a year now, and I was playing with other methods for a few years before that.  Still, every week, I look to see if there was anything that consistently didn't get done that week and see how I can work it in better the next week.  I look at what worked really well and learn from that.  I pay attention to the kids' changing needs. 

   

If you managed to make it through all of that, here's the short version:


Consistency and Flexibility
Subtract the number of hours you sleep from 24 hours.  This is what you have with which to work.

Time everything you do.  If the amount of time things realistically take, accounting for the time it takes with kids helping or needing you in the middle of it adds up to more hours than you have in the day, take a hard look at what you can cu

Cut out or reduce anything that doesn't contribute to the peace and wellbeing of your family.  Combine things if you can, but don't plan on multitasking all the time.  Make sure there is generous time set aside for giving your kids your undivided attention.

Write down the list of everything you do want to keep in your life and how long it takes, which should now fit into the number of hours you actually have in your day. 

Do things for less time every day instead of a big chunk of time weekly or monthly, so that you can make a little progress every day.  This is the consistency part. 

Take note of things that could be done faster or more efficiently or with less stress if you were better organized or if the house was cleaner.  Learn how to organize those things and keep the house clean.

Lay them out in an order that makes the most sense based on your kids needs and natural routines/habits, and your family dynamics.

Now be willing to totally mix up the order in which they happen.  This is the flexibility part. 

Do things consistently every day, but be flexible about when they get done, how they get done, where they get done, who does them.  It's a lot easier to be flexible when you know that you CAN do it ALL today, so switching a task you planned to do in the morning to the afternoon or switching today's weekly task with tomorrow's isn't a big deal.

Take a day off every week to plan for the upcoming week.

And of course, take what works for you and your family and discard what doesn't- something at which most unschoolers are probably pretty good at doing. 


**This is assuming you are a radical unschooling parent, and that you've been doing this for some time.  If you're still deschooling, if you're only "unschooling some things," this might not be helpful for you as there may be a tendency to turn it into a schedule or to start using it to control how your kids spend their time.   


 

If Your Car Breaks Down, Enjoy the Walk

Our car broke down last week at my mom's house. We were planning on all going to a 150th birthday party of our county at the park, so I had my mom take us to the park anyway. That meant walking a mile home, with 4 young kids, carrying the baby in the wrap the whole way and the 3 year old on my back half of the way. So I got the kids excited about the adventure of walking in the dark, and we enjoyed seeing the moon and feeling the fresh, cool air, and taking back streets away from the busy main road, so we could hear each other talk. 

From sullivanwaterwheels.com.  Not the one we saw, but similar.

When we were almost home, we passed a restaurant that has a water wheel outside. We had seen it many times before as we were driving by, and had talked about making a miniature one. This gave us the chance to stop and see if from all sides. A man who I assume was the owner, maybe the manager, was outside and said we could stop it and let it go again and feel the water, so we did. The man and I explained to the kids how the pump works. Taking a unfortunate situation and turning it into something fun, and being open to the learning that arises as a result, is one of the best things I've learned from unschooling.

Banning Technology

I've seen a few things going around lately about banning technology from kids, for all kinds of fearful, hyped up reasons. I just wanted to share a few of the neat things technology has allowed in our lives lately. Last night, my kids got to play a video game with their uncle who lives 2 states away. They do this every few weeks, and it's really neat, because they probably wouldn't know him otherwise. Just talking on the phone can be awkward between a single guy and little kids, but having the video game to connect over meant at least an hour of conversation.
Also, my mom and my aunt are on a trip through Italy right now. The kids and I are able to "follow" them with google earth. Starting from the San Fransisco airport, tracking their path to Germany and then Italy, seeing the B&B where they are staying, the art museum the visited, the walk they went on, etc. has all been really neat. Plus when my kids ask a question I don't know the answer to, I'm able to pull up pictures, videos and answers in 2 minutes flat.
L loves coloring in pictures on an app on the phone and then being able to play it back, so I can see the process she used. We can play board games on free apps without the expense of buying them or the mess of cleaning them up. They can stay connected with family by writing emails back and forth. All of my kids have favorite tv shows and video games that bring laughter, questions, conversations, and a way to unwind into our home.
Could we survive without technology? Well, based on the fact that E played outside with friends for, literally, at least 8 hours today and L and Z did the same for at least 4... yes, I think we'd manage. But I can't imagine why would I want to take away these amazing modern resources for learning, connecting with people, and entertainment.

It's Not Always Perfect

I wrestled my 8 year old into her clothes today, and carried her kicking and crying into a public building.  

That's right.  It's not always perfect.  Our ideals don't always match reality.  

So was it a colossal parenting failure or just one of those unavoidable things?  Well, that's what I'm working on figuring out. 

I always try to work with the kids, finding solutions when there are conflicts, taking their needs/wants into consideration. When we need go somewhere, if one kid wants to stay home, we try to find a way to make that happen- can we do it another day, one parent stay home, etc? If not, I try to make it as easy as possible to leave- quick trip, maybe stop for icecream or something else fun on the way home, bring activities to do, etc. and we find a way to make it work for everyone.

A few days ago, however, my husband and I needed to go somewhere. There was no way to change the day, and both of us needed to be there together. I gave E a heads up the day before that we would need to go today, after she said that she wanted to stay home all day because she hasn't been feeling well. I explained that I was sorry, that we had to do this one thing, that there was not a way to change it. I said that we would not go to the library, even though her sisters wanted to, so that the only thing she would need to leave the house for was this one thing.  I offered to do whatever I could to make it easier. She refused to get dressed or brush her hair.  I said she could put her hair in a pony tail and hat instead, but she didn't like that.  If it was something like the grocery store, I would have let her go in pjs and with messy hair if that had made it easier, but it was important to look presentable at this location.

In the end, I ended up wrestling her into her clothes and into the car. After waiting for about half an hour in the car for her to calm down so we could go into the building, I carried her inside kicking and crying. I hate that I physically made her do that, but on further reflection, I'm still not sure what we could have done differently. Maybe threats or bribes instead of physically dressing her, but that still would have gone against everything we do and believe in.

While waiting in the car, I offered to take them all to get an ice cream to make the trip easier on everyone, but she didn't want to do that because she just wanted to be HOME. Of course, then her sisters wanted to get ice cream, so we did go do that afterwards. She decided she wanted a hamburger on the way through the drive through, so we got her one.  

When she calmed down at home, we did lots of snuggling and a bit of trying to figure out why she's been feeling awful for days and how to help. She apologized to dh unprompted for kicking him. 

So was it a colossal parenting failure or just one of those unavoidable things?

 Well, it definitely went against all of my ideals.  But was it unavoidable?  Usually when I mess up I can do a post game play review and see where I could improve next time.  This time?  When I told my mom what happened, she did say that I could have dropped E off at her house.  E could have just snuggled on my mom's couch, and she wouldn't have had to get dressed.  That might have worked, but never crossed my mind.    

I know one thing for sure.  There was no punishing or shaming for the way she acted.  Whether I figure out what we could have done differently next time or not, I'm not blaming her for having needs that didn't conveniently fit into our day's schedule and for possessing only immature ways of expressing them.  I know that for days she was feeling awful, overwhelmed, and needed to be home to recover.  I wish I could have provided that. 

So, I'm being honest here, because I hate blogs that make it all look picture perfect all the time.  It's not.  Life's messy.  We're all imperfect, so there's no sense in wallowing in guilt and anxiety when we did our best, but let's not settle either.  Keep learning more, doing better, being better.  Our kids are worth it.

Late Nights

E and L could have stayed up all night tonight.  They choose to go to bed at 9:30.

We have never had set bedtimes in our home.  When they are babies, they usually nurse to sleep.  Z still does at nearly 3.  Sometimes in bed, but often on the couch while I watch tv or read or use the computer.  As they have gotten older, we've done a variety of things to encourage sleep.

We've had routines of taking a bath, reading a book and laying down in bed together.
We've let them each pick a tv show, they watch it, and then we lay in bed together.
We've all camped on the living room floor with a movie and slept there for the night.
They've fallen asleep in the living room many times, and we've carried them to bed.
Sometimes we watch a show on the computer in bed, and they fall asleep.
Recently, we've had audio books on the computer in bed.
We've sang them to sleep, rocked them to sleep, scratched and massaged their backs, rubbed their heads or feet, played a relaxing game, and gone on late night drives.
We play all kinds of musical beds with our bed, their bunk bed and the couch.  You never know who's going to be sleeping in which one, with whom, and for how much of the night.

It might sound chaotic, but it works.  It accomplishes the things I believe to be the most important things about sleep.

1) that everyone sleeps as much as their body needs when it needs it.
2) that no one else is kept awake by someone else's lack of sleep late at night.
3) that they kids learn to associate sleep with good and peaceful things.
4) that they learn to recognize their own body's signals that it is tired.

Even though we've never had a set bedtime, we start heading in that direction at a reasonable time.  Reasonable being defined as a time when they are tired, depending on if someone had a nap, depending on what is going on the next day, how much in need of alone time we are, etc.  Heading in that direction being defined as lights off, sound down, snuggling in bed or on the couch, and otherwise creating a sleepy environment.  Usually, they are asleep between 8 and 10.There have been plenty of times where one of the kids has told us they were ready for sleep. 

Recently, E and L have started wanting to stay up "all night until the sun comes up."  They stayed up until midnight or one for about 3 nights, and then D and I said we really needed some alone time.  So we agreed that they could stay up as late as they wanted every Friday night.  That worked until last Saturday, when E started getting really upset that she couldn't stay up late that night too.  I admit I did not handle it so well the first few nights.  I thought our Friday night deal was THE deal and I value the time I get alone with D.  She did go to sleep, but it was not peacefully.

It was Sunday or Monday when she was having a tough time getting to sleep again, and I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my principles and told her we could figure out a solution.  I had no idea what!  All I could think of was that she would stay up late every night, and D and I would NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN.  But I knew that kind of fearful thinking never leads to peace or working together, and we had to think of something.

So I asked her why staying up late was so important to her.  She said that she never gets any time alone.  I said she could go in her room or my room and be alone any time.  She said it's not QUIET.  She liked the peace and quiet and stillness of being up when everyone else was asleep.  

What we came up with was a bit complicated, but she was thrilled.  We decided to trade off every other night.  One night she would go to bed like normal.  The next night, she could stay up and have the living room all to herself for half an hour, while D and I hung out in the bedroom, quietly.  And on Fridays, they could both still stay up as late as they wanted.  To make this happen though, we all needed L and Z to be asleep.  So we agreed that she wouldn't mention it to them, and would pretend to go to bed like normal on her staying up night.  Then once they fell asleep, she could get up.

So we did that for a few nights, and it worked great!  She loved it, and happily came to bed after her half hour and happily went to bed on the nights that D and I stayed up.  Tonight is Friday, so E and L were excited to stay up.  They asked me to play some video games with them, which I did.  Then I said I was going to hang out in the bedroom.  They wanted to come, first just to snuggle.  But on the way down the hall, L said she knew she needed to go to the bathroom before bed.  She wasn't planning on staying up.  As soon as E laid down, she said said she was ready for bed, because she had "stayed up as late as [she] wanted."

That was at 9:30.

It's so true that when they get their needs met, whether it's a need for trying out something new, experimenting with how something makes them feel, or just for peace and quiet, they figure out what works for them, and it all balances out.  

Brushing Teeth

In the post Hair Brushing Is a Safety Issue, blogger Dulce de Leche talks about how a child knowing that their body boundaries are respected is more important than brushed hair.  I feel the same way about brushing teeth, though the consequences of unbrushed teeth are bit worse than unbrushed hair.  So I've found various ways over the years to keep tooth brushing interesting, fun and to get it done.

1.  The bacteria in their mouth screams "NO!  NO!  Don't brush me!" and you say "I'm going to get you!  Leave my child's mouth you yucky germs!  Out!  Out!"

Making brushing teeth fun usually gets the job done.  While the child is more focused on your silly voices and the idea that the germs in their mouth are talking while Super Hero Mom vanquishes them, you can do a quick job of actually destroying the buggers.


2.  Let them do it as much as they are able. 

As soon as they start grabbing for the tooth brush, I start letting them brush their own teeth when they want to.  I direct sometimes or do a quick job after they are done, but at least they get the satisfaction of trying to do it themselves.


3.  This one or that one, this kind or that kind.  Choices!

Have multiple tooth brushes and different kinds of toothpaste, xylitol and other options around.  You don't even have to use a toothbrush!  Try a soft cloth, your finger or even just mouthwash.  Make the choices more about how to get it done, then whether or not to get it done.


4.  Rock the baby to sleep while brushing.  Seriously!

My 6 year old and 4 year old have had the most fun lately pretending to be a baby while I brush their teeth and hair.  I sing them a lullaby while they lay on my lap and close their eyes, and I gently, slowly brush away.


5.  Make it about taking good care of our bodies.

It's not a power struggle.  It's not about obedience or compliance.  It's about giving them the skills to care for their own bodies and those skills take time to learn.  Maybe that's one reason their baby teeth fall out and they don't start getting permanent teeth until 6 or so.  By that age, they are a bit more capable of understanding the reasons to take care of them. 


6. Provide information.

I've told my kids that other people don't want to smell their stinky breath.  Don't do this in a shaming way, it's just information, but it can be useful information to know!


7. Be patient.  The teeth don't need to get brushed RIGHT NOW.  

It's really not going to make a difference if their teeth get brushed at 8 am or at noon right as you're leaving the house to go somewhere.  It doesn't matter if they get brushed right after dinner or as they are climbing into bed.


8.  Location, location, location.

Teeth don't have to be brushed in the bathroom!  Use the kitchen sink or do it in the shower. Or take a cup of water and a bowl to spit in and do it in front of the tv, in bed, outside or wherever they happen to be.


9. Don't stress!  They are probably going to get cavities anyway. 

Or not.  But I'm starting to think it has more to do with genetics, diet and dumb luck than brushing.  Some of the people I know with the healthiest teeth have the worst personal hygiene habits and some of the people I know who've had cavities have brushed regularly their whole lives.  Using all these tips and tools I just shared, my kids have all brushed their teeth consistently once a day and usually twice a day their whole lives.  All three have had/ will have dental surgery.  My 20 month old LOVES to have her teeth brushed.  She went through a period where she would stand outside the bathroom door and scream "TEETH!" multiple times a day and she would cry when I stopped brushing her teeth.  She has dental surgery coming up because her teeth are FAR worse than the other kids' were at this age.  

So if it's a question of getting teeth brushed vs. maintaining the trust and boundaries in the relationship, refer to Dulce's hair brushing post above.  

Leadership vs. Partnership

There are so many yeses built into our lives now, that I've started using them to justify a lack of partnership with my kids in daily interactions.  Food and sleep and tv and all of those things that seem to be the major hang ups for some people in the journey to radical unschooling, are just foregone conclusions now in the big picture, with only minor details to work out based on day to day factors.  Situations that arise on a regular basis are also yeses built into our lives- yes you can play in the sprinklers, yes you can take a bath, yes you can play with board games.....

It's when new situations arise, and a few do every day, where I just haven't seemed to have the mental and emotional energy to think through working together.  Or when I have THE PLAN, and want to stick to THE PLAN.  I'm busy and I'm tired and I just want to not be inconvenienced and be able to do things my way, dang it!

And therein lies the trouble. 
I'm really lacking unschooling support where I live now.  I only have one friend who would maybe lean unschoolish for academics if there weren't extenuating circumstances making a more structured approach her best option.  Everyone else in the homeschool community who I've met so far, are not unschoolers and certainly not radical unschoolers.  I haven't even breathed the phrase for the last year and a half lest I chase them all away.

On top of that, D is doing wildland firefighting again this summer, and has been gone for over a month.  So I'm solo parenting for now. 

Because of all of this, I've been falling more into my natural tendency to state things directly.

"Today we're going to the store and then the park."
"Get your shoes on, let's go."
"Let's do a little clean up and then we'll watch a movie or read some books and
go to bed."  

I posted that on Always Learning and tried to explain how this was leading to some fuzzy thoughts about leadership and asked for their thoughts.  The idea was bouncing in my head, though never holding still long enough for me to examine, that part of being a parent is just leading and expecting them to follow.  I told myself that I'm always open to discussion or objections if they present them, but that it just made more sense to do it my way as long as they were coming along without too much fuss.  

They said I sounded bossy.  I didn't want to admit it, but it's probably true.  

There was a time when I was using much better phrasing, much more often.  Where I was much more concerned with taking everyone's needs into account.  Not just assuming that I knew their needs and taking them into account when I made my decision, but actually asking them and working with them.  I've been failing at that more often than not recently.

I've justified it with my observation that my kids are generally happy.  In a way, what I've been doing IS working for us.  I think the lack of arbitrary rules and restrictions overall makes for a happier home even when I'm being bossy or self centered about certain things.

However, there is something lacking in a focus on leadership that is present when the focus is on partnership.  It's the connection.  It's seeing them as whole people.  It's them knowing that I understand their perspective and care about their desires.   Even with all the yeses built into the system, focusing on leadership turns me into a manager of the system and turns them into cogs in the wheel.  Focusing on partnership makes it all about the relationships. 

So I'm committing to getting back to focusing on partnership.  I'm calling up all the resources I've used before, but with little homeschooling community and no unschooling community here, and with D gone for possibly a few more months, I'm going to need to find some new inspiration, new tools, and new ideas.

And the journey continues....  

 

How Sleep Happens Without Bedtimes

Sometimes when I've said we "don't have bedtimes," people have imagined chaos until midnight or later until exhausted kids eventually crash.  I wanted to explain a bit of what we do at night.  We don't have set bedtimes, where kids are in bed at a certain time of night, no matter what.  We do support them, provide information, and create a sleepy environment.  To me, that is different from saying "8 o'clock is bedtime, lay down and sleep."

We have done different things at different times, depending on the ages of the kids, what shift D was working, the time of year, how much we need alone time, and what was working for their individual personalities at that time.

Most often, we have done a loose routine of dinner, clean up, play until they're looking/acting sleepy, put on a movie, and they fall asleep while watching it.

We have also done routines of dinner, clean up, play, read books/watch movie, then lay down in bed with them until they fall asleep.

If we need to go somewhere in the evening, my kids aren't phased by staying out late.  They will fall asleep at someone else's house or in the car. 

A few things I keep in mind:

1) The important thing is *sleep* not bed, and sleep can happen just about anywhere.

This is how they fell asleep the night I wrote this post.

2) It has to be working for the whole family.
If dad has to get up early for work, his sleep is more important than their noise.
If mom is an introvert and needs that alone time, that's important. It doesn't make sense for tired kids to be cranky while mom needs to be alone. BUT if the kids are actually night owls, then maybe mom needs to find a different time to be alone.  I get my alone time at different times- sometimes when D is home, I sneak away.  Sometimes during the day while they are busy playing.  Sometimes at night after they have gone to bed.  Sometimes in the morning before they wake up.

If a kid is usually ready for sleep at 8, there's nothing wrong with doing a bedtime routine that gets them to sleep in bed by 8. But if they are still jumping around at 8:30, you might want to rethink that. Don't be stuck on 8 just because that's typical for kids that age or what your mom did for you or simply because it's convenient.

3) Provide information.
"We need to get to bed early tonight, because we've got to get up early to go to the museum with grandma."
"Mommy and daddy really need to be alone for a little while tonight."

4) Support them and create a sleepy environment. Turn lights off, sound down, snuggle and stop talking. My 6 year old talks non-stop sometimes, and I have said, "I'm done talking now." When I have kids who are clearly tired, but still jumping around, I've said, "It's time to relax now. We can watch a movie, read books or go to bed, but we need to be still." Then I help that happen by snuggling, rubbing their backs, etc.

5) Sleep patterns change with age, season, and what is happening in our lives.  That's even true for many adults.  If you are the type of person who has had the same routine for 20 years, this might not make sense to you, but try to understand.  Sometimes I go to bed at 10 and get up at 6.  Usually I sleep more like 11 or 12 to 7 or 8.  Sometimes, I'm more of a night owl and sleep from 1 or 2 till 9 or 10.  Kid's sleep needs change as well.  Work *with* them, rather than insisting on the same thing every day. If a routine is working for everyone- great! If it stops working, do something else.

6) It's really important for them to learn to listen to their own body's signals for sleep.  This takes time and patience, but it is really cool when a 4 year old says, "Mom, I'm tired and need to go to bed."  If you've started out attachment parenting and letting your babies sleep when they are tired and wake when they are ready, it's easy to just continue this as they get older.

Responsibility

This evening I walked into the kitchen and the magnitude of the girls' earlier fun with paper really hit me.  I knew they had been cutting up paper hours eariler and I knew they made a mess, but when I really stopped to look at it was shocking. It was EVERYWHERE on the table, the floor and the worst thing is that we have carpet in the kitchen, so there was no sweeping up the million pieces that were just big enough to be too big for the vacuum. *sigh

This morning, I had woken up to a similar mess because they had done the same thing the night before right before bed. I left it last night, because the baby was the one who dumped a lot of it on the floor and it was late and we were all tired. So first thing this morning, I took care of the bulk of it, and then my 4 year old woke up and helped.

So I called both girls into the kitchen and told them that I was frustrated at the big mess again. (I was very calm though, and frustrated just doesn't express the same intensity of emotions for me that it used to.  Yay for growth!). I said that I needed them to stop putting paper, especially little cut up pieces on the floor and that we needed to find a solution. They had no ideas, and said that they did it because they were just having so much fun with so many pieces and that they would forget to pick it up when it dropped. So I suggested that I would put the paper up and they could ask me for one piece at t time from now on, so it didn't get to be too overwhelming. They liked that idea (yay for solutions!).

My 4 year old had hurt her arm not long before that and was still holding it and hurting. I reminded my 6 year old that her sister and I had cleaned up the paper that morning, and I told her it was her turn.

E: I caaaannnnn'ttttt! Not all by myself.

Me: I think you can.  :)

E: NNNOOOOOO!!! You have to help me!

(Keep in mind here, that I frequently help them clean up, but I wasn't tackling that paper again today).

Me: Hhhhhmmm. Which part of that paper would you say is my responsibility?

E: None of it.

Me: Which part would you say is your responsibility?

E: Not all of it, because L made a mess too.

Me: Yes, but she cleaned up your mess this morning without any complaint and she is hurt right now. I'm sure if she can clean it up, you can too. :)

E: I'm just not like her. I'm not responsible.

Me: (Backtracking from comparing her to her sister- woops!) I didn't mean to compare you. It's ok that you are different.  You are different people. What I mean is that I know you are capable of doing it. :)

E: Well, yah, I *can,* but I just don't want to.

Me: So you're saying you *won't.*

E: Right, I won't clean it up by myself.  (Said very firmly)

(I shocked myself here by feeling absolutely..... nothing.  Even when I handle things perfectly well, there is a trigger inside me that says "Don't you tell me no, I'm your mother!" which I promptly self talk myself through. But this time, it just didn't phase me. Yay for growth again!)

Me: I trust that you'll decide to do what needs to be done. :)

And I walked away. I snuggled with L who was watching a movie and E came and sat with us for a few minutes. After a while she said:

E: Really, I'm just not responsible enough to do it. 

Me: I think you're very responsible.

E: No, I don't do anything responsible.
Me: Just this evening you ran and told me when L got hurt. That was responsible.

E: Well, ok ONE thing! But I'm not responsible with paper.
Me: You cleaned up your room last night. You are safe in the street when you go out to play.

E: Well..... yah....  AND I walk the dog! That's responsible!

Me: Yep, and you give her food and water.

E: Yah! And I take her outside and I help my sisters when they need help and I make sure the door is closed so baby Z doesn't get out!

Me: I think you are one of the most responsible 6 year olds I've ever met.

E: I guess I am responsible! What else do I do that's responsible?

Me: Well, when I take a nap with your sisters I can trust that you will take good care of things in the house. I know you won't get into things you aren't supposed to or mess anything up. I know you'll be safe and not open the door

E: Wow! Yah! I'm really responsible!  (She was very excited at this point)

She went on and on listing other things and repeating the things I had said she does.

I went on about doing other things, and after a while she came to me and said:

E: I'm ready to clean up the paper now. I just don't want to be alone.

Me: I need to do the dishes. How about if we both work in the kitchen together and we can talk while we work?

E: Yah!

So I did dishes and she cleaned up the paper.  She asked me to sing the clean up song while we worked, and she wanted me to add verses to it about how she's so responsible.



It worked out well, but I really was ok with however it worked itself out.  Obviously, I wanted it cleaned up and felt that it was her responsibility, but I didn't let my focus stay there.  I didn't know if she would clean it up this evening or ever.  It's a really amazing feeling just being at peace with whatever the outcome of a situation turns out to be.  It feels really good to just trust that when my focus is on relationship, not "shoulds" or "have tos" or my frustrations, things tend to work themselves out when given a little time and patience.  I don't always hit that sweet spot.  Sometimes I get too focused on what on want or how I want it. But I find myself in that place more and more often, and it's a great place to be.


__________________________________________________________________________________

Some more thoughts a few days later:

I don't think I communicated very well to *her* that I was ok with  however it turned out.  When I went back and reread what I wrote I saw that I said, "I trust that you'll decide to do what needs to be done."  However, at some point, I also remember thinking, "What if she NEVER picks it up?  Will it stay there all day?  All night?  FOREVER?!............... (mentally shrugging shoulders) meh, oh well.  I'm sure it will work out."    I'm not sure at what point that shift in my brain happened, but it's obviously not what I communicated to her.  hhhhhmmmm- something to think about for next time.

What I mean when I say "Radical Unschooling"

I've recently blogged about how even though we are radical unschoolers, I still make plans, and that I even have a schedule.  I've even mentioned workbooks and flashcards!  My intent was to address the idea that radical unschooling is complete chaos or totally "child-led."  On the flip side of that notion is the idea that unschooling is just anything in the world.  Some people claim they are unschooling their children during the summer break from school!  If that were, true than the word would be completely meaningless.

So for the sake of clarity, this is what I am talking about when I say we are radical unschoolers:

First of all, by the technical definition, I recognize that we may or may not be considered to be *really* unschooling yet.  Unschooling is a form of homeschooling and one is not homeschooling until they have made the choice to not put their child in school.  That choice can only be made once the child is "school aged" and my oldest child's birthday missed the cut off date for our state's compulsory attendance laws by one day.  This September, we will have to make the choice to either go through the process to legally homeschool, put her in school or be breaking the law.  Obviously, we have every intention of homeschooling, but we aren't, technically, there yet.  One could say, however, that "school aged" is when their child is expected to be in school by the cultural standard, which would be between ages 3 and 5 depending on the prevailing attitude of the sub-culture in which one lives.  By that definition, we are definitely homeschooling and therefore I could say we are technically unschooling as at least one of my children has passed that age.  As Sandra Dodd has said, there are no unschooling police who are going to come to your house and say you are doing it wrong or not really doing it.  But I like to be clear.

On the other hand, radical unschooling philosophy has immensely and directly impacted how I have parented my children.  Because it is as much a parenting philosophy and a way of life as it is an educational choice, I have used it to guide how I raise my children as toddlers and preschoolers.

I could say that because we are radical unschoolers, we don't have bedtimes, don't control food choices, don't control media, and don't use curriculum.  But unschooling isn't like converting to a religion that has a list of tenets you must follow.  There is no rule that says "Thou shalt not limit thy child's tv time."

Unschooling is about recognizing that children are always learning, and trusting that they know their own bodies and minds better than we ever can.  It is about trusting that given the opportunity and through some trial and error, they will learn what works best for them as individuals.  It's about supporting their interests and facilitating their exploration.  It's about doing the things that build relationships.  It's about living by principles of love, respect, and safety, rather than by rules.   

So on the one hand, unschooling is not a list of rules to follow.  On the other hand, it has to follow some philosophy as part of its definition, otherwise the word is meaningless and useless.  

I make choices in our lives that reflect that philosophy.  That extends to every part of our lives- sleep, food, media, and chores being the hotly debated and easily categorized ones.  It also extends to the things that I mentioned in the beginning like making plans, having a schedule, and using workbooks and flashcards.  Those things can *easily* be detrimental to unschooling if the parent is using them to control or because she is afraid her children won't learn without them.

For us, making plans are about doing things and going places as a part of creating a rich environment from which I trust my kids will learn.  These things are *optional* for my kids, not required.

Having a schedule is about ME moving through my days in a way that helps me accomplish the things I want to accomplish.  It's not about moving my kids through their days or controlling what they do.

I've mentioned workbooks and flashcards, but they are just games to my kids.  The flashcards are with the Monopoly, Uno, puzzles and other games and we *treat them the same way.*  The workbooks are with the coloring books and we treat those the same way.  Each one is one option among many of things to do.

If a person is unclear about their principles and their philosophy, than they can get confused thinking that either things like schedules and bed times are bad and should be avoided at all costs, OR that they can do them in a parent controlled way that is disrespectful to their children and still call it unschooling.

I don't claim to have the one and only undisputed definition of radical unschooling.  I think that should be left to the person who most likely coined the term and those who have grown unschooled kids.
I wanted to be clear, however, about what I am referring to when I refer to radical unschooling on this blog.