Would You Let Her Quit?

E is in a local musical theater production called Best of Broadway.  After she was selected from the auditions, someone asked me "What if she wants to quit?  What if she doesn't feel like going to rehearsal one day?  Would you just let her quit?"

This person asked me this, because she has heard me voice my opinion on forcing kids to do things in which they are not interested.  So she wondered if E lost interest, what was I going to do?

I told her that, first of all, E and I would be having a discussion about commitments, and we did.  I told E what was going to be expected of her, how many days a week she would be rehearsing and I showed her on the calendar how long the rehearsals would last and when the show would take place.  I told her that if she wanted to do this, she needed to commit to doing every rehearsal.  I explained that the people who direct the show chose people from the auditions who they think will do a good job in their part, and that they are depending on each person to do their part.  If people don't show up or don't what they are supposed to do, it could ruin the show or at the very least inconvenience the directors and other actors.

E saw the show last March, so she knew somewhat what to expect the final production would look like.  When she saw it last year, she said "I want to do that!  I want to be on the stage!" and she waited for 7 months for the auditions for this year's show to roll around.  She was excited to do the auditions and be in the play.

She didn't know, however, exactly what the rehearsals would be like.  For the first rehearsal, our day worked out in such a way that we had to get there an hour early and the girls spent that time running around and playing.  It was 6 pm when the rehearsal started and she was tired.  I tried to get her to spend a few minutes taking some deep breaths and getting centered before it started, but she wouldn't.  We were all in a small room that echoed every noise and the music was LOUD.  She got totally overwhelmed with the noise after already feeling tired and out of sorts.  She tried to participate, but we had to leave the room several times for her to pull herself together.

I gave her some Rescue Remedy and let her leave the room when she needed to, but I also reminded her that this was part of practicing for the final production that she wanted to do.  I told her that I didn't think every rehearsal would be like this and that once she got into the swing of things that it would probably be easier.

The next day we were talking about it and I said, "If you don't want to do this, it's ok.  But it seems like you want to do this, but you were overwhelmed and tired last night."  She agreed that was the case.  I said, "Let's come up with some ideas that will make the next rehearsal easier so you don't feel so overwhelmed."

She agreed that just knowing what to expect the next time- the loud music and many people- would be helpful.  She was totally surprised by that the first time.  We talked about getting centered before the rehearsal started, bringing Rescue Remedy, making sure she ate immediately beforehand, bringing a water bottle, and being well rested.

We have implemented those ideas, and she has now done 5 rehearsals, and she enjoys them.  There are times in between songs for her to talk and play with new friends, and they just started adding dance choreography to the singing which she likes.  It is hard work, but so far, it is worth it to her.   Before the last rehearsal, she asked me if she could skip it because she was a little sick.  I reminded her that if she didn't do the rehearsals, she wouldn't be able to be in the play.  She said ok, and by the time it was over, she didn't want to leave!

So would I let her quit if she changed her mind?  The simple answer is yes!  I mean, seriously, all ethics and parenting philosophy aside, how DO you force a child to be in a play?  Threaten to spank them if they don't sing?  Ground them from doing anything else if they don't smile big enough?  How does one justify making a child's life miserable to try to teach them to never quit?  To me that just says "My reputation is more important than your happiness" or "I think you're such a lazy worthless bum that you'd never do anything worthwhile if I didn't force you."  

Fortunately, there is a lot of distance between forcing a child to do something in which they are not interested, and shrugging your shoulders and letting them quit when they say they don't feel like doing it today.  That distance includes:

Not forcing them to start things in which they aren't interested in the first place.

Giving them a clear picture of what will be expected and then leaving the choice up to them.

Explaining what team work means and that there are people depending on them.

Not putting a child who is too young to understand those concepts in that position.

Supporting them by providing the practical things and the emotional help they need to continue.


Ultimately, I want my children to remember that I did everything in my power to support their interests and to encourage them in the things they enjoy even when those things were hard.  I also want them to remember that no activity was more important than our relationship, and that I was supportive of them stopping an activity that they felt, for whatever reason, was no longer beneficial to them.  

The play is in March, so stay tuned for pictures!  





     

What I mean when I say "Radical Unschooling"

I've recently blogged about how even though we are radical unschoolers, I still make plans, and that I even have a schedule.  I've even mentioned workbooks and flashcards!  My intent was to address the idea that radical unschooling is complete chaos or totally "child-led."  On the flip side of that notion is the idea that unschooling is just anything in the world.  Some people claim they are unschooling their children during the summer break from school!  If that were, true than the word would be completely meaningless.

So for the sake of clarity, this is what I am talking about when I say we are radical unschoolers:

First of all, by the technical definition, I recognize that we may or may not be considered to be *really* unschooling yet.  Unschooling is a form of homeschooling and one is not homeschooling until they have made the choice to not put their child in school.  That choice can only be made once the child is "school aged" and my oldest child's birthday missed the cut off date for our state's compulsory attendance laws by one day.  This September, we will have to make the choice to either go through the process to legally homeschool, put her in school or be breaking the law.  Obviously, we have every intention of homeschooling, but we aren't, technically, there yet.  One could say, however, that "school aged" is when their child is expected to be in school by the cultural standard, which would be between ages 3 and 5 depending on the prevailing attitude of the sub-culture in which one lives.  By that definition, we are definitely homeschooling and therefore I could say we are technically unschooling as at least one of my children has passed that age.  As Sandra Dodd has said, there are no unschooling police who are going to come to your house and say you are doing it wrong or not really doing it.  But I like to be clear.

On the other hand, radical unschooling philosophy has immensely and directly impacted how I have parented my children.  Because it is as much a parenting philosophy and a way of life as it is an educational choice, I have used it to guide how I raise my children as toddlers and preschoolers.

I could say that because we are radical unschoolers, we don't have bedtimes, don't control food choices, don't control media, and don't use curriculum.  But unschooling isn't like converting to a religion that has a list of tenets you must follow.  There is no rule that says "Thou shalt not limit thy child's tv time."

Unschooling is about recognizing that children are always learning, and trusting that they know their own bodies and minds better than we ever can.  It is about trusting that given the opportunity and through some trial and error, they will learn what works best for them as individuals.  It's about supporting their interests and facilitating their exploration.  It's about doing the things that build relationships.  It's about living by principles of love, respect, and safety, rather than by rules.   

So on the one hand, unschooling is not a list of rules to follow.  On the other hand, it has to follow some philosophy as part of its definition, otherwise the word is meaningless and useless.  

I make choices in our lives that reflect that philosophy.  That extends to every part of our lives- sleep, food, media, and chores being the hotly debated and easily categorized ones.  It also extends to the things that I mentioned in the beginning like making plans, having a schedule, and using workbooks and flashcards.  Those things can *easily* be detrimental to unschooling if the parent is using them to control or because she is afraid her children won't learn without them.

For us, making plans are about doing things and going places as a part of creating a rich environment from which I trust my kids will learn.  These things are *optional* for my kids, not required.

Having a schedule is about ME moving through my days in a way that helps me accomplish the things I want to accomplish.  It's not about moving my kids through their days or controlling what they do.

I've mentioned workbooks and flashcards, but they are just games to my kids.  The flashcards are with the Monopoly, Uno, puzzles and other games and we *treat them the same way.*  The workbooks are with the coloring books and we treat those the same way.  Each one is one option among many of things to do.

If a person is unclear about their principles and their philosophy, than they can get confused thinking that either things like schedules and bed times are bad and should be avoided at all costs, OR that they can do them in a parent controlled way that is disrespectful to their children and still call it unschooling.

I don't claim to have the one and only undisputed definition of radical unschooling.  I think that should be left to the person who most likely coined the term and those who have grown unschooled kids.
I wanted to be clear, however, about what I am referring to when I refer to radical unschooling on this blog. 
  

 

Play Revisited

I've been thinking about play lately - what it is, how important it is for kids to do, and mostly whether or not it's important for adults to do with them.  My thinking on the subject was feeling muddy and undefined and I never like that feeling.

I have had several different stances on what I believe about whether or not I should be my child's playmate.  My thoughts have ranged from The Continuum Concept beliefs (that parents should not play with children, but should always be invite them into the adult world) to the Playful Parenting beliefs (that children use play to navigate their emotions and lack of power in the world and that parents should be part of that process).

In a recent message board conversation, I expressed that I believe in a Continuum Concept model with a grain of salt.  In other words, I believed that children are hardwired to want to come into the adult world and learn what we do.  That play is very important for them, but their interactions with us should be of them moving into the adult world, not us moving into their world of play.  But I say "with a grain of salt" because I remember when I only had one child and was pulling heavily from the Continuum Concept beliefs.  In some ways it seemed just the way it should be, but we lacked the strong and constantly available community that the tribe in the book had.  My child needed a playmate and I (or my husband) was often the only person available.

As the conversation progressed, the other moms expressed their beliefs about play and started defining just what play is.

Some believed that it is very important for parents to play with their children and had fond memories of their parents playing with them.

Some believed that play is a child's work and they loved interacting with their children in other ways, but not through play.

Some would say "I don't play pretend or play with barbies- I hate it.  But I will play basketball or soccer with them."

Others would say, "See basketball and soccer is exactly the kind of play I can't stand.  But I will do board games and crafts."

I think everyone agreed that getting on the floor and playing blocks or pretend or dolls with a young child is play, but there was no real consensus about things like sports, board games, arts and crafts, reading children's books or having a conversation about an imaginary scenario while folding laundry.  

Some of the moms who initially said "I don't play," later conceded that they do, actually, do things like the above that are considered play by some people.  I was one of them.

I have been focusing on unschooling for so long, that I haven't really thought much about play or if I "should" be playing with my kids or what that entails exactly.  My focus has been on exploring the world with them and connecting with them, regardless of whether that looks like play or adult activities.

I went searching for my old blog posts on the subject and I found this post titled Playful Parenting vs. Playing By Heart, where I compare and contrast the two books by those names.  It was kind of weird reading my own post and thinking, "Huh, yah, I guess I was clear in my thoughts about it at one point, but I forgot!" 

That post is a bit more focused on competitive vs. cooperative play than where my mind is focused now, but this still resonates with me:

A lot of the book (Playing by Heart: The Vision and Practice of Belonging) was about how original play connects people and builds relationships rather than tearing them down. It's not something we do in our free time, it's something that is a part of the way we can live. It brought me back to all the reading I've been doing on mindful living and meditation. Original play is another aspect to staying in the moment, present and aware. It's living life right now and seeing all the joy and the beauty right in front of us. Experiencing that joy and playing with that moment and the people in it, is original play.   

This is unschooling!  Just as real life is not divided into the subjects of math, science, and history, it doesn't have to be divided into work and play.  It doesn't matter if arts and crafts are considered play or part of moving the child into the adult world!  Are they connecting you and your child?  Is your child having fun?  Are you doing them as a part of a rich environment, in which you are following her interests and expanding her world?  If the answer to those is yes, than she is learning.  If she is learning than she is that much closer to functioning in the adult world.  

That doesn't mean you have to LIKE every form of play either!  It's ok to say "Pretending I'm my child's puppy dog makes me want to rip my eyeballs out."  Don't think you have to do it to be a "good mom."  But find a way to facilitate the things that are important to your child.  That might mean playing those games you hate for a while, especially while your child is young, especially if they are an only or first child.  Focus on the connection between you and consider that your reaction might be fear of connection itself.  Or find your child a playmate (even another adult!) who likes that form of play.  Or connect with your child so much in ways you both enjoy that they are genuinely ok with you saying that you don't want to play that particular game. 

I no longer care whether I'm "one of those moms who gets on the floor and plays" or "one of those moms who never plays, but connects in other ways."  I connect with my kids in ways we both enjoy.  I stretch myself to do things that I don't particularly enjoy in the name of connection or their learning.  I'm not afraid to say that games like Chutes and Ladders make me want to run screaming from the room.  I'm glad that I pushed myself to do it some with my oldest, to get past my fear of connection.  I facilitate the play I don't prefer in other ways.

Above all, I will live life focused on relationships and learning, and not divide it into work and play.    



 

Communicating with My Three Year Old

Some of the things L says and especially how she says them, really grate on me.  It's not her fault though- she is communicating the only way a three year old knows how.  I need to work on my issues (again!) so I'm not so irritated with her.  She's so sweet, and when I snap at her it breaks her little heart.

When she says, "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of being too slow or intentionally putting her off, and I need her to know that I do want to spend time with her.  

When she says "You FORGOT....." I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of forgetting something that I am actually working towards and I need her to understand that I am in the process of getting to her request.

When she asks me the same thing five times in rapid succession, I feel irritated because I perceive that she is accusing me of not listening or not paying attention and I need her to know that I do want to respond, but I need a moment to think.

Writing that made a few things clear to me:

-My subconscious, underlying perceptions of the intentions and unspoken implications of a three year old need a serious reality check.

-She is probably feeling frustrated and sad, because she perceives that I am forgetting her, ignoring her, or not listening to her.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true.  She is the quiet middle child, and it's far too easy to pass over her when things are hectic or when I am lost in my own thoughts.  

Everything I need her to know- that I want to spend time with her, that I am getting to her request, that I want to respond, but need a moment to think- she needs to know too!

So I need to work on better communication with her:

When she is waiting for me to do something, I need to tell her specifically when I will be able to do it and then follow through.  If anything changes during that time, I need to tell her clearly.  "I will play Monopoly with you.  First I'm going to clean off the table, then I'm going to get the dog her food, then we will play."  And when that changes, "Oh, I just realized the baby needs a diaper change.  I'm still going to play with you, but first I need to change the baby's diaper."

When she asks me something, I need to answer her right away.  If I need a minute to think, I need to say so. 


Someone out there is thinking, "What about her behavior!  You're just going to let your child be rude and snotty and not do anything about it?!"

Well, I can tell you that what I have been resorting to has been both ineffective and damaging. 

This morning when she said "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," complete with the raised eyebrows and hands on her hips, I said, "Stop being rude!  You can say 'Mom, I'm frustrated that you aren't playing with me yet' or...." and I didn't finish my sentence, because it was lame. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving a kid a script of a more polite, more effective or more thoughtful way of expressing themselves.  But it has to be in the context of partnering with them to be the effective communicators they want to be.  I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth, that all I was doing was being rude and critical myself.  I could see on her face that as soon as I snapped at her about being rude, she was hurt and embarrassed and she shut down.

To some people, it would look like "it worked."  Her attitude disappeared immediately and she looked contrite.  If I would have finished my script, she would have repeated it after me, and it would have looked like I had succeeded in correcting the behavior. 

Correcting the behavior is not my goal, however.  I want to know WHY she is acting that way.  The truth is that you cannot change someone else, only yourself, so I'm starting with me.  What I can do for her is figure out some things about her personality, and help her to grow into them in a healthy way.

I think that her Love Language is Acts of Service, which means that she best receives expressions of love when people do things for her.  It might also be Words of Affirmation, which would mean that she feels especially loved when people say kind, uplifting and positive things to her and she is especially sensitive to critical or negative words.

I think her Energy Type is either a Type 2 or a Type 4, which are both introverted energies.  If she is a Type 2, she is especially sensitive and has a strong desire to please.  So when she gets frustrated, she might be trying to mimic the bold or blunt expression that myself or her Type 3 sister would use or just trying out the power of her words as a typical three year old developmental stage.  Because of her sensitivity and need to keep the peace, she immediately recoils at any hint of rebuke.  If she is a Type 4, she has the tendency to be bold and direct, and she immediately sees the flaws and imperfections in a situation and has a strong desire to perfect them.  Because she is only three, she doesn't know how to express these direct thoughts in a tactful way.   

These are things I'll be watching and helping her grow into as she gets older.   

 


The scripts "When_____I feel_____because I need______" are based on the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.  The author does not include the part about perception in the script, but he does talk about the difference between feelings and perceptions.   I add it into my self-talk to help myself differentiate between the two, and between my perceptions and the more objective reality in the situation. 

Radical Tuesdays- Making Plans

Last week a mom on a message board was asking about unschooling.  In responding to her post I stumbled on expressing a thought that I wanted to expand on:

You can't plan what someone else will learn.

This is the fundamental flaw with schools and curriculums.  The system is set up around a plan that the student will learn X and then Y and then Z all "on time."  If the student doesn't, they have "failed."  This so-called failure is inevitable because you can't plan what someone else will learn.

Unschoolers recognize this, but sometimes think the answer is to stop planning *anything.*  Sometimes they are afraid that if they are planning lots of things, someone might think they aren't really unschooling.  Sometimes they are afraid that they are misunderstanding unschooling if they make plans to do things.

Granted, a huge benefit of unschooling and homeschooling in general is the freedom from being held to the school system's arbitrary schedule.  Part of unschooling is deschooling yourself and realizing that you don't HAVE TO schedule your kids every waking moment.  For unschooling to work, it is necessary to drop the fear that if your kids are happy playing all day that they aren't learning.  Because they are!

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with making plans.  I make plans for myself and my kids all the time.  The difference between the types of plans I make and the types of plans influenced by schoolish thought or the use of curriculum is that unschoolers shouldn't be making the mistake of thinking they can plan what their kids will learn.  It's impossible!  It is perfectly ok, however, to make plans of things to do, places to go, people to see and all kinds of things to make life fun, interesting, rich, and to borrow from Sandra Dodd- SPARKLY!  You can't plan what someone else will learn, but make life interesting and they WILL learn.

Here are some things I take into consideration when I'm making plans:

1. Motivation.  Are you planning a trip to the zoo because your child loves animals or to expose her to something new?  Or are you going to use the plaques in front of each exhibit for a "reading lesson" and come back and do a "unit study" on her favorite animal?  You can't plan *what* your child will learn from the zoo, but you can plan to take them, enjoy the time with them, and trust that they are learning whether you see it happening or not.
 
2. Enjoyment.  Is this something you think your child might enjoy?  Or is it something that all the "good homeschoolers" do?  If you have a choice between a Lego Convention and a Science Museum, don't choose the Museum if you know your child loves legos, just because the museum is more "educational."  On the other hand, don't scoff at the museum if you think your child will enjoy it just because it looks "schoolish."

3. Cost.  If you pay for an annual membership or 3 months of classes and your child doesn't like it, are you going to force them to go to get your money's worth?  Or feel resentful if you let them drop out?  Either make sure you can gracefully handle their decline or only pay for a little bit at a time.

4. Flexibility.  If you make plans to go somewhere, even if you are excited about it, be willing to change your plans if your child isn't interested.  On the other hand, I have heard of parents asking their three year old "Do you want to go to the museum?" and then being disappointed that she doesn't want to go so they never try it.  She doesn't know what it is that she is declining!  A few days ago, we went to the Discovery Museum.  My kids have never gone, so I didn't ask if they wanted to go.  I told them a few weeks ago that we were going and when.  I have mentioned it a few times since then and tried to explain what it is.  On the day of the trip I woke them up and said to get ready, we're going.  Once we got there, if they had been bored or overwhelmed or not enjoying themselves for any reason, we would have left (or in this case, sat in the car and waited, since my mom was our ride and visiting with her other grandchildren).  Part of unschooing is exposing them to new things, but if they aren't enjoying themselves, it's time to be flexible and let it go.   Also, my kids know that they can tell me they don't want to do something and I won't make them.  They usually go along with what I plan, but last week their grandma was going to take them to do something (still undecided and vague at that point) while I went shopping.  E had been sick and said that she didn't want to do anything with grandma except lay on her couch and watch a movie.  So I called my mom and let her know, no big deal.

5. Over Scheduling.  I have seen some new unschoolers try to match school hours with their activities thinking that all those "educational things" are a substitute for classroom learning.  It's ok to make some plans.  It's ok to have periods of busyness if everyone is enjoying it.  It's also important to have down time and for kids to have lots of time to play, and to deschool to the point that you are no longer comparing what you are doing to school.

6.  Personality.  Is your child an introvert or extrovert?  A trip to the zoo might be more fun with a group for your extrovert.  It might be more better for your introvert to go with just the family and take your time and look carefully at every animal.

7. Tune into your kids.  Most importantly, figure out what works for *your* kids, not some theoretical child of the same age, not the kids in your homeschool group, not how your child was last year, but your child right now.  Some kids need to know about plans way in advance, some don't mind spontaneity.  Some like to go somewhere every day, some prefer to stay home most of the time.  Some like crafts or reading about a subject, some like videos.  Whatever you are doing, rather than worrying about planning what your child is learning, ask yourself is my child having fun and is this making life interesting?       

And on the flip side, if you and your kids do fine just waking up in the morning and winging it, that's great!  This is addressing the fear that making plans is somehow anti-unschooling, but if you do fine without plans, don't feel like you have to start making them.

Also, if you or your child are still deschooling, maybe don't jump into making a bunch of plans just yet.  Let there be plenty of time to recuperate and decompress and then only add in plans if your child is ready and enjoying them.