Co-sleeping: What If They Sleep With You FOREVER?!

I've written a few things about sleep over the years, but as I'm looking through the archives, I seem to have written mostly about what we do instead of bedtimes and not much on co-sleeping. 

We have always coslept with the kids.  From the day E was born, her bassinet became a clothes basket and she slept on my chest.  When she was two and I was pregnant with L, we wanted to prepare her for the baby's birth by getting her out of our bed before L was born.  So we started doing a routine before bed, and I would lay down with her in her bed and nurse her to sleep.  Sometimes this took an hour!  Then I'd sneak away and she'd wake up not long after.  It became a source of frustration for all of us, and we decided that she was clearly telling us that she was not ready to be in her own bed.  So she came back to our bed, and when L was born we slept with both of them. 

After a while, we put both beds in our room.  We had a king and a twin pushed up against each other, so we all had enough room.  Then Z was born.  Right after Z was born, we moved and got new beds.  We have had a double and a bunk bed pushed together for the last few years. 

Technically, the top bunk has been E's and the bottom bunk has been L's.  In reality, we've had all combinations of sleeping arrangements depending on the night.  D has often taken the couch, both because he finds it more comfortable than our bed, because he likes falling asleep to the noise of the tv, and because the kids want to sleep with me.  Four people in a double bed is not comfortable though, so I often move one or two of them to the bottom bunk after they fall asleep.   Or one of them falls asleep with D on the couch.  Or I move to the couch with D after they are asleep.  Or D and I sleep on the bottom bunk until Z wakes up wanting to nurse.  In other words, we get creative!

Then for the last few months, E has started wanting to sleep in her own bed.  I can't say exactly when this happened, but somewhere around 7.5 years old.  Yes, that's right, she bedshared that long. Shocking in western cultures, but completely normal in many, if not most, parts of the world, for most of history.  All of a sudden, she was just ready to have her own space.  She would still fall asleep with me sometimes, but instead of moving her to the bottom bunk, I was able to start just nudging her awake and telling her to climb up into her own bed. 

We are waiting on the possibility of being able to move into a new house.  This will give us more bedrooms and allow E and L to have their own rooms.  E has been really excited about this and wanting to prepare herself for sleeping in her own room.  So she started sleeping in their room (which is used as a play room) on their couch.  She told us she was ready to have her own bed in there.  After a few successful nights, we agreed to move it and we did that today. 

She's so excited!  I tucked her in tonight with her night light and some books.  L laid with her for a while, but then came back to bed with me.  It remains to be seen if this is truly a permanent move for E, but I'm pretty sure it is.  She's getting older and needs her own space. 

So if you're cosleeping and getting flack from people about it, just tell them that you're 100% sure the kid won't be sleeping with you by the time they go off to college.  If you're feeling cheeky.  Otherwise, tell them to mind their own damn business.  Parenting doesn't stop at 8pm.  Kids still need us at night and sometimes all they need is to be able to reach their hand out and know that we are there.  That doesn't last forever.  They grow and change and THEY recognize their own needs for space without being pushed into it. 

Oh and the big question that seems to concern amusing numbers of people..... "Where do you have sex if the kids are in your bed?"  Seriously?  If you can't imagine other places in the house to have sex, you really need to spice up your sex life.  If it's a surface you can sit on or lay on, you can have sex on it.  It's not complicated, people. 

How Sleep Happens Without Bedtimes

Sometimes when I've said we "don't have bedtimes," people have imagined chaos until midnight or later until exhausted kids eventually crash.  I wanted to explain a bit of what we do at night.  We don't have set bedtimes, where kids are in bed at a certain time of night, no matter what.  We do support them, provide information, and create a sleepy environment.  To me, that is different from saying "8 o'clock is bedtime, lay down and sleep."

We have done different things at different times, depending on the ages of the kids, what shift D was working, the time of year, how much we need alone time, and what was working for their individual personalities at that time.

Most often, we have done a loose routine of dinner, clean up, play until they're looking/acting sleepy, put on a movie, and they fall asleep while watching it.

We have also done routines of dinner, clean up, play, read books/watch movie, then lay down in bed with them until they fall asleep.

If we need to go somewhere in the evening, my kids aren't phased by staying out late.  They will fall asleep at someone else's house or in the car. 

A few things I keep in mind:

1) The important thing is *sleep* not bed, and sleep can happen just about anywhere.

This is how they fell asleep the night I wrote this post.

2) It has to be working for the whole family.
If dad has to get up early for work, his sleep is more important than their noise.
If mom is an introvert and needs that alone time, that's important. It doesn't make sense for tired kids to be cranky while mom needs to be alone. BUT if the kids are actually night owls, then maybe mom needs to find a different time to be alone.  I get my alone time at different times- sometimes when D is home, I sneak away.  Sometimes during the day while they are busy playing.  Sometimes at night after they have gone to bed.  Sometimes in the morning before they wake up.

If a kid is usually ready for sleep at 8, there's nothing wrong with doing a bedtime routine that gets them to sleep in bed by 8. But if they are still jumping around at 8:30, you might want to rethink that. Don't be stuck on 8 just because that's typical for kids that age or what your mom did for you or simply because it's convenient.

3) Provide information.
"We need to get to bed early tonight, because we've got to get up early to go to the museum with grandma."
"Mommy and daddy really need to be alone for a little while tonight."

4) Support them and create a sleepy environment. Turn lights off, sound down, snuggle and stop talking. My 6 year old talks non-stop sometimes, and I have said, "I'm done talking now." When I have kids who are clearly tired, but still jumping around, I've said, "It's time to relax now. We can watch a movie, read books or go to bed, but we need to be still." Then I help that happen by snuggling, rubbing their backs, etc.

5) Sleep patterns change with age, season, and what is happening in our lives.  That's even true for many adults.  If you are the type of person who has had the same routine for 20 years, this might not make sense to you, but try to understand.  Sometimes I go to bed at 10 and get up at 6.  Usually I sleep more like 11 or 12 to 7 or 8.  Sometimes, I'm more of a night owl and sleep from 1 or 2 till 9 or 10.  Kid's sleep needs change as well.  Work *with* them, rather than insisting on the same thing every day. If a routine is working for everyone- great! If it stops working, do something else.

6) It's really important for them to learn to listen to their own body's signals for sleep.  This takes time and patience, but it is really cool when a 4 year old says, "Mom, I'm tired and need to go to bed."  If you've started out attachment parenting and letting your babies sleep when they are tired and wake when they are ready, it's easy to just continue this as they get older.

Inspiration Sunday- Enjoying Each Age

In the last 24 hours I have said to D:

"I want a one year old in the house forever!"

"Three is the best age!  She is hilarious!"

"I was told six was a really hard age, but I'm seeing lots of maturity and so far it has not been hard at all."

Yes, I'm really enjoying my kids right now.

One year olds are just adorable.  I think it's God's little conspiracy to make sure they get loved on even when we are frazzled and tired.  Z screams, poops a lot, runs away during diaper changes, throws food on the floor, eats paper, climbs on the table, eats things out of the trash, and is 18 pounds of destruction and chaos.  But she makes this squishy face that cracks me up even though she won't let me get it on camera, she toddles around taking herself quite seriously, she kisses and hugs us all, she makes little squeaking sounds when she nurses, and she puts her head on the floor like she's going to do a somersault, but ends up walking around with her head scootching across the carpet.  And people who get mad about babies wiggling during diaper changes have no idea what they are missing.  I take her pants off, she runs away.  She laughs and comes back.  I take her diaper off, she runs away again, naked little butt mooning the world.  She laughs and comes back and I raspberry her tummy.  I put the new diaper on and she runs away again.  Act of utter defiance or fun bonding time?  You are the parent, you get to decide how you respond.

Three year olds are God's gift to the humorously challenged.  I can't stand potty humor in most cases- give me some good sarcastic wit.  But L talking about farting can leave me in stitches.  For example, my recent facebook status:

L just came into the room laughing and said "I farted!"  I said, "That's fascinating, my dear."  She answered, "Yah!  It's not stinky, it's funny!  Now I need hot chocolate because inside my body is cold."  Apparently, farting cools off the insides.
 
Today, she looked at me with the most serious expression, furrowed her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side.  "What are you doing?" she asked.  It was if the answer would help her unlock the mystery of my parental super powers, the unsolvable riddle of "How did you know THAT [E and I got chocolate, but you couldn't see us]?"

Six year olds are God's gift to parents of younger children.  Parenting three is actually easier in some ways than parenting one was.  E plays with L all day, helps keep Z off the table and out of the cupboards, brings me diapers, and makes sure the tub gets drained after baths.  She is trustworthy and responsible for her age. She loves being the big kid who gets to stay up after her sisters fall asleep to eat ice cream with mom and dad, and gets to go outside to play with the neighborhood kids by herself.  She is getting more and more interesting to talk to, though we've always had great conversations, but they are just getting better as she gets older.  I need to remember to do less talking and more listening, because I want to soak up her perspective before it gets tainted by all the realities of the world.  

What ages are your kids and what are you enjoying about them right now?

   



 

My Girls

I had said a few days ago that my next blog post was going to be on how sweet my kids are instead of the constant posts about how we are working through the difficult parts of parenting. Then I wrote the yoga post! So, here's the "my kids are so awesome and I love them so much and I am constantly amazed by them" post.

I write a lot about the challenges we have had with E, but she really is a sweet, mature, kind, thoughtful child. She's very lovey and likes to hug and snuggle all the time. She plays really well with her sister (even though they have their fair share of sibling moments too!). She loves to help show her sister how to do things and she is great at coming up with games for them to play. She is pretty understanding of the fact that he sister is little and is still learning a lot of the things that E already knows. She ties to comfort L when she is sad and will bring her toys to distract her or sing her songs. E is a great friend to her friends. She plays easily with almost every kid she meets whether they are younger or older.

L has always been pretty easy going, so I don't post much about challenges with her. The last few months she has been very.... TWO! but it is so much easier for me to see it as a developmental thing instead of defiance. She is very aware of other people's feelings, especially E's. By 18 months, she could see when E was "sad and cwying" and would try to comfort her. She also plays really well with other kids.

They both do really sweet things all the time, like bring me flowers and draw me pictures and help with whatever I am doing. E randomly asks me how I'm feeling and how the baby in my tummy is doing, and L pretty much copies everything E does. They will do things like give me a neck rub if they see me hurting.

It is amazing watching them grow, seeing their personalities develop, and watching to see who they are and who they are becoming!

Attached at the Hip

Yesterday we went to an indoor pizza place that had a huge play area with slides, bouncy things, little go carts and toys. The way E was acting, I couldn't help but think of people who have said that if you nurse your kids too long or let them sleep with you or answer their cries that they will be attached at the hip forever. They have said that these kids will never be independent. E still sleeps with us and still nurses. I only leave her with daddy for a few hours a week, and rarely leave her with anyone else. And at 3 years old, she doesn't cry anything "out." She's the poster child for an "attached at the hip" kid.

That's why I had to think of the people who say that kind of thing and laugh. I didn't see her at all for 3 1/2 hours. New place, new kids, and she was GONE the minute we walked in the door. Every 20 minutes or so, I would go find her and see how she was doing. She would barely agknowledge me, before taking off again. About half way through, she came to the table to eat her pizza. She shoved half of it in her mouth as fast as she could and started to run off again. I told her that they didn't want her taking the food in the play area, so she shoved the other half in her mouth, dropped the crust on the plate and RAN.