Late Nights

E and L could have stayed up all night tonight.  They choose to go to bed at 9:30.

We have never had set bedtimes in our home.  When they are babies, they usually nurse to sleep.  Z still does at nearly 3.  Sometimes in bed, but often on the couch while I watch tv or read or use the computer.  As they have gotten older, we've done a variety of things to encourage sleep.

We've had routines of taking a bath, reading a book and laying down in bed together.
We've let them each pick a tv show, they watch it, and then we lay in bed together.
We've all camped on the living room floor with a movie and slept there for the night.
They've fallen asleep in the living room many times, and we've carried them to bed.
Sometimes we watch a show on the computer in bed, and they fall asleep.
Recently, we've had audio books on the computer in bed.
We've sang them to sleep, rocked them to sleep, scratched and massaged their backs, rubbed their heads or feet, played a relaxing game, and gone on late night drives.
We play all kinds of musical beds with our bed, their bunk bed and the couch.  You never know who's going to be sleeping in which one, with whom, and for how much of the night.

It might sound chaotic, but it works.  It accomplishes the things I believe to be the most important things about sleep.

1) that everyone sleeps as much as their body needs when it needs it.
2) that no one else is kept awake by someone else's lack of sleep late at night.
3) that they kids learn to associate sleep with good and peaceful things.
4) that they learn to recognize their own body's signals that it is tired.

Even though we've never had a set bedtime, we start heading in that direction at a reasonable time.  Reasonable being defined as a time when they are tired, depending on if someone had a nap, depending on what is going on the next day, how much in need of alone time we are, etc.  Heading in that direction being defined as lights off, sound down, snuggling in bed or on the couch, and otherwise creating a sleepy environment.  Usually, they are asleep between 8 and 10.There have been plenty of times where one of the kids has told us they were ready for sleep. 

Recently, E and L have started wanting to stay up "all night until the sun comes up."  They stayed up until midnight or one for about 3 nights, and then D and I said we really needed some alone time.  So we agreed that they could stay up as late as they wanted every Friday night.  That worked until last Saturday, when E started getting really upset that she couldn't stay up late that night too.  I admit I did not handle it so well the first few nights.  I thought our Friday night deal was THE deal and I value the time I get alone with D.  She did go to sleep, but it was not peacefully.

It was Sunday or Monday when she was having a tough time getting to sleep again, and I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my principles and told her we could figure out a solution.  I had no idea what!  All I could think of was that she would stay up late every night, and D and I would NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN.  But I knew that kind of fearful thinking never leads to peace or working together, and we had to think of something.

So I asked her why staying up late was so important to her.  She said that she never gets any time alone.  I said she could go in her room or my room and be alone any time.  She said it's not QUIET.  She liked the peace and quiet and stillness of being up when everyone else was asleep.  

What we came up with was a bit complicated, but she was thrilled.  We decided to trade off every other night.  One night she would go to bed like normal.  The next night, she could stay up and have the living room all to herself for half an hour, while D and I hung out in the bedroom, quietly.  And on Fridays, they could both still stay up as late as they wanted.  To make this happen though, we all needed L and Z to be asleep.  So we agreed that she wouldn't mention it to them, and would pretend to go to bed like normal on her staying up night.  Then once they fell asleep, she could get up.

So we did that for a few nights, and it worked great!  She loved it, and happily came to bed after her half hour and happily went to bed on the nights that D and I stayed up.  Tonight is Friday, so E and L were excited to stay up.  They asked me to play some video games with them, which I did.  Then I said I was going to hang out in the bedroom.  They wanted to come, first just to snuggle.  But on the way down the hall, L said she knew she needed to go to the bathroom before bed.  She wasn't planning on staying up.  As soon as E laid down, she said said she was ready for bed, because she had "stayed up as late as [she] wanted."

That was at 9:30.

It's so true that when they get their needs met, whether it's a need for trying out something new, experimenting with how something makes them feel, or just for peace and quiet, they figure out what works for them, and it all balances out.  

How Sleep Happens Without Bedtimes

Sometimes when I've said we "don't have bedtimes," people have imagined chaos until midnight or later until exhausted kids eventually crash.  I wanted to explain a bit of what we do at night.  We don't have set bedtimes, where kids are in bed at a certain time of night, no matter what.  We do support them, provide information, and create a sleepy environment.  To me, that is different from saying "8 o'clock is bedtime, lay down and sleep."

We have done different things at different times, depending on the ages of the kids, what shift D was working, the time of year, how much we need alone time, and what was working for their individual personalities at that time.

Most often, we have done a loose routine of dinner, clean up, play until they're looking/acting sleepy, put on a movie, and they fall asleep while watching it.

We have also done routines of dinner, clean up, play, read books/watch movie, then lay down in bed with them until they fall asleep.

If we need to go somewhere in the evening, my kids aren't phased by staying out late.  They will fall asleep at someone else's house or in the car. 

A few things I keep in mind:

1) The important thing is *sleep* not bed, and sleep can happen just about anywhere.

This is how they fell asleep the night I wrote this post.

2) It has to be working for the whole family.
If dad has to get up early for work, his sleep is more important than their noise.
If mom is an introvert and needs that alone time, that's important. It doesn't make sense for tired kids to be cranky while mom needs to be alone. BUT if the kids are actually night owls, then maybe mom needs to find a different time to be alone.  I get my alone time at different times- sometimes when D is home, I sneak away.  Sometimes during the day while they are busy playing.  Sometimes at night after they have gone to bed.  Sometimes in the morning before they wake up.

If a kid is usually ready for sleep at 8, there's nothing wrong with doing a bedtime routine that gets them to sleep in bed by 8. But if they are still jumping around at 8:30, you might want to rethink that. Don't be stuck on 8 just because that's typical for kids that age or what your mom did for you or simply because it's convenient.

3) Provide information.
"We need to get to bed early tonight, because we've got to get up early to go to the museum with grandma."
"Mommy and daddy really need to be alone for a little while tonight."

4) Support them and create a sleepy environment. Turn lights off, sound down, snuggle and stop talking. My 6 year old talks non-stop sometimes, and I have said, "I'm done talking now." When I have kids who are clearly tired, but still jumping around, I've said, "It's time to relax now. We can watch a movie, read books or go to bed, but we need to be still." Then I help that happen by snuggling, rubbing their backs, etc.

5) Sleep patterns change with age, season, and what is happening in our lives.  That's even true for many adults.  If you are the type of person who has had the same routine for 20 years, this might not make sense to you, but try to understand.  Sometimes I go to bed at 10 and get up at 6.  Usually I sleep more like 11 or 12 to 7 or 8.  Sometimes, I'm more of a night owl and sleep from 1 or 2 till 9 or 10.  Kid's sleep needs change as well.  Work *with* them, rather than insisting on the same thing every day. If a routine is working for everyone- great! If it stops working, do something else.

6) It's really important for them to learn to listen to their own body's signals for sleep.  This takes time and patience, but it is really cool when a 4 year old says, "Mom, I'm tired and need to go to bed."  If you've started out attachment parenting and letting your babies sleep when they are tired and wake when they are ready, it's easy to just continue this as they get older.

What's Working

As part of living a mindful life, I like to assess every now and then what's working and what's not working. I don't want to get stuck in a rut of doing something one way just because it's easy or comfortable if it's not working out well for all the members of my family. I'm delving into this in the more personal areas of my life privately, but here I'll share the unschooling/parenting aspects.

WORKING: Food, tv, no bedtimes, cleaning and all of those major issues that people balk at when learning about radical unschooling. The way I handle these things has become so easy and natural now that I hardly even think about them.
Food:
I still think about nutrition when I shop and cook, but I don't stress about what they are eating. The only thing I am constantly aware of is E's corn allergy, but she is also very aware of it and we work together. I'm in the habit now of checking labels for corn, and other than the occasional slip up I just don't buy it. She has asked that if her daddy buys something with corn for himself that he will hide it so she's not tempted. Sometimes if she shops with me or if we are at someone else's house she will make the choice to eat corn and deal with how her body feels. I do encourage her not to and try to find other alternatives, but it's her body so the choice is ultimately hers. Besides her corn allergy, I just have an awareness in the back of my mind of what they have been eating and that triggers an occasional suggestion ("You've had a lot of cheese today, how about something with some fiber now so you don't get constipated.") but there's no stress or control associated with it.

Tv:
It's just a non-issue. When we lived in Oregon, I was very aware of making lots of other options readily available, so that they were watching tv if they really wanted to, but not just out of boredom. Now we can't afford cable, but we get movies from the library ever week, occasionally get redbox movies and they can watch things online. And they do, but here we have a yard for the first time and L is at an age now where they can really play well together. So they play together, often outside, most of the day if we are home. Then we put a movie on in the evenings before bed. Movies still spark lots of good conversations and interests.

No bedtimes:
We have an easy going routine that I lead and they follow of dinner, clean up time, brushing teeth and then a movie or books. They don't always fall asleep in the same place (couch or recliner or my bed or theirs) or in the same way (in front of a movie, after reading books I sing, or we all just lay down) or at the same time (I shoot for somewhere between 8 and 10 depending on whether or not D is home for me to spend time with him, how tired I am, how badly I want to be alone, whether or not L got a nap, how tired they are acting), but it works. Falling asleep is almost always a happy, relaxed time.

Cleaning:
This is another I lead and they follow thing. I set the example and get the ball rolling and they pitch in. We do a clean up time every evening and they do their part 9 out of 10 times. Well, I should say, E does. L doesn't quite as often, but she is more likely to help me during the day with laundry or cleaning the bathroom. E often cleans their room by herself with only verbal guidance from me. The last couple of days she has started washing dishes completely out of the blue.

Academic Learning:
I'm putting this is the working category, because they are learning a lot. E's birthday misses the cut off for compulsory school age by one day, so we do not have to be official until next year, which makes her technically a kindergartener. I don't use the arbitrary school standards as the benchmark for whether or not my kids are learning, but by next year, for legal purposes, I will have to be aware of them. If I were sending E to school, she would fit right in academically with first graders this year. However, I have been struggling with finding inspiration for things to do since we moved here. This town is simply not the bustling center of culture, art, music, and homeschooling activity that Portland is. And that leads into NOT WORKING:

Here's another example.....

Tonight I made some cookies with my kids, gave them a bath, and played under a fort we made with the table and a blanket. Then I said, "let's lay down, watch a tv show and go to sleep." We all snuggled up under the blankets for a cartoon on Sprout and I said "after this show is over we'll go to sleep."

This is how we often get to bed. We pull E's twin sized mattress into the living room, snuggle up together, put on a tv show or movie and they are out in half an hour. Then D and I can stay up for a few hours if we want to. E used to stay up a lot later, but now that she's dropped her naps, she goes to bed earlier.

When I turned the tv off, it was clear after 5 minutes that neither of them were as tired as I thought. E said that she wanted to stay up, so I let her. Most people would probably think that is permissive, but I counter that it's only permissive if bedtime is a "rule." Or if the household even has a "bedtime." We don't. My job is to help my children fall asleep when they are ready, make the environment conducive to sleep, help them learn to recognize the signs that their body is tired, and trust that they are learning about their *own* bodies and their *own* needs as separate people from me.

So, I told her that yes, she could stay up. She wanted to use the mattress as a slide off the couch and I said that was fine as long as it was fairly quiet. I left the lights off, except one low one and the tv to keep the atmosphere. I reminded her that it was late at night and our upstairs neighbors were sleeping, because that is being respectful of their boundaries. I said that she could do it as long as she wasn't banging on the floor or yelling. The girls played quietly for half an hour or so, and then settled back in to watch tv. L came and snuggled with me to nurse, and is asleep on my lap right now. E fell asleep watching Brother Bear..... quietly, peacefully, when their bodies were ready.

I held her while she slept

I held E while she slept today. She was in my arms as we shopped for at least half an hour. She smelled so good- like the fresh snow we had come in from. It's a good thing Grandma and Grandpa were there to do the actual shopping and hold L, so all I had to do was walk with her. If they hadn't been there, I would have had to figure something else out. My Ergo is in my car, which is frozen shut! I missed having it, because all 3 years and 30 pounds of her got heavy after a while. But it was nice, too. It won't be too long until she's too heavy to carry like that or not taking naps anymore. I want to enjoy every snuggle and hug. It was a great ab and back work out too!