Communicating with My Three Year Old

Some of the things L says and especially how she says them, really grate on me.  It's not her fault though- she is communicating the only way a three year old knows how.  I need to work on my issues (again!) so I'm not so irritated with her.  She's so sweet, and when I snap at her it breaks her little heart.

When she says, "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of being too slow or intentionally putting her off, and I need her to know that I do want to spend time with her.  

When she says "You FORGOT....." I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of forgetting something that I am actually working towards and I need her to understand that I am in the process of getting to her request.

When she asks me the same thing five times in rapid succession, I feel irritated because I perceive that she is accusing me of not listening or not paying attention and I need her to know that I do want to respond, but I need a moment to think.

Writing that made a few things clear to me:

-My subconscious, underlying perceptions of the intentions and unspoken implications of a three year old need a serious reality check.

-She is probably feeling frustrated and sad, because she perceives that I am forgetting her, ignoring her, or not listening to her.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true.  She is the quiet middle child, and it's far too easy to pass over her when things are hectic or when I am lost in my own thoughts.  

Everything I need her to know- that I want to spend time with her, that I am getting to her request, that I want to respond, but need a moment to think- she needs to know too!

So I need to work on better communication with her:

When she is waiting for me to do something, I need to tell her specifically when I will be able to do it and then follow through.  If anything changes during that time, I need to tell her clearly.  "I will play Monopoly with you.  First I'm going to clean off the table, then I'm going to get the dog her food, then we will play."  And when that changes, "Oh, I just realized the baby needs a diaper change.  I'm still going to play with you, but first I need to change the baby's diaper."

When she asks me something, I need to answer her right away.  If I need a minute to think, I need to say so. 


Someone out there is thinking, "What about her behavior!  You're just going to let your child be rude and snotty and not do anything about it?!"

Well, I can tell you that what I have been resorting to has been both ineffective and damaging. 

This morning when she said "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," complete with the raised eyebrows and hands on her hips, I said, "Stop being rude!  You can say 'Mom, I'm frustrated that you aren't playing with me yet' or...." and I didn't finish my sentence, because it was lame. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving a kid a script of a more polite, more effective or more thoughtful way of expressing themselves.  But it has to be in the context of partnering with them to be the effective communicators they want to be.  I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth, that all I was doing was being rude and critical myself.  I could see on her face that as soon as I snapped at her about being rude, she was hurt and embarrassed and she shut down.

To some people, it would look like "it worked."  Her attitude disappeared immediately and she looked contrite.  If I would have finished my script, she would have repeated it after me, and it would have looked like I had succeeded in correcting the behavior. 

Correcting the behavior is not my goal, however.  I want to know WHY she is acting that way.  The truth is that you cannot change someone else, only yourself, so I'm starting with me.  What I can do for her is figure out some things about her personality, and help her to grow into them in a healthy way.

I think that her Love Language is Acts of Service, which means that she best receives expressions of love when people do things for her.  It might also be Words of Affirmation, which would mean that she feels especially loved when people say kind, uplifting and positive things to her and she is especially sensitive to critical or negative words.

I think her Energy Type is either a Type 2 or a Type 4, which are both introverted energies.  If she is a Type 2, she is especially sensitive and has a strong desire to please.  So when she gets frustrated, she might be trying to mimic the bold or blunt expression that myself or her Type 3 sister would use or just trying out the power of her words as a typical three year old developmental stage.  Because of her sensitivity and need to keep the peace, she immediately recoils at any hint of rebuke.  If she is a Type 4, she has the tendency to be bold and direct, and she immediately sees the flaws and imperfections in a situation and has a strong desire to perfect them.  Because she is only three, she doesn't know how to express these direct thoughts in a tactful way.   

These are things I'll be watching and helping her grow into as she gets older.   

 


The scripts "When_____I feel_____because I need______" are based on the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.  The author does not include the part about perception in the script, but he does talk about the difference between feelings and perceptions.   I add it into my self-talk to help myself differentiate between the two, and between my perceptions and the more objective reality in the situation. 

Radical Tuesday- Posted UnRules (Solutions!)

I know some families post the "rules of the house" so that everything is known and consistent for the kids.  I have never considered doing this because we don't have 100% set in stone rules in our house.  We have "keep messy food out of the bedrooms because of the potential for ants" and "you can jump on the couch, but don't climb on the back because it's starting to rip" and "PLEASE for the LOVE of ALL that is GOOD- put your towel in the bathroom when you are done with it."  But, those would be awfully long to write out and post on the wall.  And they are flexible!

I have, however, borrowed from this idea of posting rules and I have sometimes posted solutions.  I may have posted (or maybe just thought about it) a while back about the reminder note that I wrote for the girls to bring their apples back into the kitchen.  They wanted to take apples in their bedroom, and we were fighting ants all summer so my first reaction was NO!  Then we talked about it and I told them my concern that the half eaten apples would get left in the bedroom.  They promised not to leave them.  I said we would need to come up with something to help them remember, rather than just relying on their memories.

I ended up writing a note that said "Bring your apples back in the kitchen" and posting it on their bedroom door.
They can't read, of course, but they knew what it said.  They were part of the solution and understood the terrible ant problem (well, this was mostly E, but she helped L) and just seeing the paper on the door helped them remember.

More recently, they have been leaving their towels on the floor in the living room and bedrooms after they dry off after a bath.
 They take *at least* three baths a day just for fun, so I was picking up and reminding them to pick up a lot of towels.  They are both usually pretty happy to put their own towel back when I reminded them, but one day E did NOT want to put it back.  I told her that I was tired of picking up the towels and reminding them to do it, and that it seemed like she was tired of putting her towel away too, so we needed to figure out something that would work better.  She agreed, but didn't have any ideas.  So I said that when I take a shower, I dry off in the bathroom and then put the towel away right away.  So I NEVER have to pick up my towel off the floor!  I suggested putting a note in the bathroom so they would remember to leave their towels in there.  They agreed, I posted a note that says "Leave Towels In The Bathroom" and there has not been a single towel on the floor for well over a week.  To top it off, they are SO EXCITED that they remember to put their towels away and come running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, look!  No towel!"

My husband recently had an idea to make his "honey do" list more appealing.
He is a Type 1 according to It's Just My Nature, which means he is fun loving and random, so this is the kind of thing that makes his life interesting, and makes me and my Type 4ness scratch my head, but hey, whatever works!  The kids have this spinner from some old game that has the numbers 1 through 6.  So he told me to make him a list of the 6 projects I want him to get done this week and number them.   Every day he spins the spinner and does the job associated with the number on which the spinner lands.

The kids thought this was so cool!
So E asked me to make her a list of jobs to do too.  I thought of six things the girls can (and sometimes already did) help with: wash the table and counter, take out the trash, wash the front of the fridge and stove, put away their own laundry, vacuum and make a meal.  E is so excited to spin it every day and do her "job" (sometimes more than one) and L goes along for the ride and helps.        

Radical Tuesdays- Curriculum

The next time someone asks me what curriculum we use, I'm going to say youtube.  I usually say "real life," which is true, but so often things come up that would be very difficult to take my kids to see or experience.  Some things, like the tornadoes we just watched, I wouldn't want them to experience too closely!  Youtube lets us see those things that other real people have really seen and video taped.  I love books, I even enjoyed workbooks as a kid.  My kids like the occasional math or reading workbook or coloring books that are designed to "teach" colors and shapes.  However, there is something much more REAL about seeing something someone else has seen.  It lack some aspects of the real life experience, but it is WAY better in other ways than reading about something in a book.      

Radical Tuesday- Taking Note of Generosity and Kindness

Most of the smoothie had already sunk into the carpet.  By the time I found the mess, it was just a wet, dark stain with little strawberry seeds.

"Someone spilled a smoothie," I called into the living room.  "It needs to be cleaned up."  I said it matter of factly- spills happen.
 
"That was me," E said.  "But I don't want to clean it up."

"If it doesn't get cleaned up, ants will find it," I told her.  "I'll get a rag wet."

"I'll clean it up!" L said.  "I don't want ants in our house!"

"Thank you L!" said E.

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I went out by myself and after an hour D called me to come home.  The baby was inconsolable.  When I walked in the door, E was holding Z and Z was happy.  D told me that he had tried everything, but Z just kept crying.  Then he put her down for a minute to do something and E picked her up.   

E said "Mom, Z was crying and crying, so I picked her up.  That's what I do, because I'm a big sister and I help people!  I help my little sisters when they are sad!  And she was happy with me!" 


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Noticing when my kids are generous or kind and really taking note of it, helps me not to worry during those times when they are fighting with each other or not wanting to do something I have really attached myself to doing.  Sometimes people argue.  Sometimes we say things we don't mean or do things we regret- usually because it's all we can think of and the best we can do in the moment.  I've noticed that if I focus on getting something done "the right way," or who "should" be doing it, playing tug-of-war with the resisting child, it just escalates the situation, everyone gets more upset and in the end, no one wins.  If I can remember to breathe, remember all the many times a day when my children are generous and kind, and look at the big picture, my anxiety melts away and I am able to clearly see my children, their needs and the solutions to whatever problem we are having..

Radical Tuesdays- How Educational is Educational Tv

Radical Tuesdays will be about all things Radical Unschooling.  In other words, those things which are the sticking points for academic unschoolers to really unschool all of life- tv, food, sleep, manners and social interactions, and other stickiness.  

Other unschooling moms, many years more experienced than me, have already written a wealth of information on Tv and Movies in the unschooling home.  And I have written in the past about my growth from a total anti-tv mom to seeing it as valuable for learning.  So I am just going to add a few observations from this week.

This is in response to something I have heard many times from moms who are feeling guilty about letting their kids watch any tv at all.  They say that their kids only watch educational shows and no commercials, and that feels like justification, to themselves or critical others, for letting them watch hours of it at a time.  At least maybe they are learning *something* from it, they say hopefully.    

"Educational" tv shows can potentially be less educational than pure entertainment....
especially when comparing the two genres of preschool shows.