Typical Day

I woke up at 7 and took a bath (shower head broke!). L woke up a few minutes later, and she told me that last night she found a great recipe (maybe she dreamed it?) for strawberry muffins. So we made strawberry muffins for breakfast. I wanted something raw for me, but the cinnamon strussel on the muffins was good, so I made banana "icecream" with strawberries in it, and an oatmeal strussel on top.

We are trying a 30 day free trial of ABC Mouse (online game that E saw on a tv commercial and asked for), and L played that in the kitchen with me while I made breakfast, and we talked and hung out.

Then E and Z woke up. E played ABC Mouse for a while, and L and Z watched Barbie and The Magic Shoes off and on while playing and going outside. Meanwhile, I did yoga, called the insurance company, added the muffin recipe to my recipe collection, took a call from one of the other board members of the non-profit we are starting, and checked facebook and GCM.

E ate a peach and broke open the pit to find a smaller, almond looking part inside. She had discovered the pits have that inside part before, but this time she wanted to find out more about it. So we looked it up and found out it is the part with the embryo and endosperm. We couldn't find quite what we were looking for before it was time to get ready to go, so I posted on the "My Unschooler is Interested In..." facebook page to see if we could get some resources.

E found a frog in the yard, and we put it in a bowl with some water and a rock for it to sit on. It hung out with us while we got dressed and teeth/hair brushed. Then she released it.

E fed the dog, we left the house, and we went to the car wash to vacuum out the car. Then we went to the library's preschool story time. We picked out some books on flowers (for L who wanted to know about roses) and dinosaurs (for E who gets dinosaur books often) and a board book (for Z who liked the picture of the puppy on it), and we had to put some back because our library has a limit of 15 and we already had 8 out.

E had asked me in the car as we were going into the library why her schooled friend had asked me what day we were starting home school. I had told the friend that we home school all year. As E reflected on that, she said, "I'm glad we home school all year. I'm always learning something! I would get bored in the summer if I wasn't learning!" Then the story time was a school theme, with books about going to school. It didn't seem to faze the girls at all though, and the mom who read the stories at least said, "I know there are some home schooled kids here too!"

After the library, we went home and had lunch. L and E played while I sat in the bathroom with Z while she took a bath and I played on the computer. Then L played more ABC Mouse, while I read to E from an American Girl book about Josephina (it's the first chapter book series she has gotten in to). Then E played ABC Mouse, while L and I brushed each other's hair and I read her and Z a book about how trees grow.

A neighbor girl came over and they all played while I did dishes, picked up dog poop, filled out some paperwork to mail, and made half a dozen phone calls for the non-profit. Then it started to rain and the girls all wanted to come in and watch a movie. So I put on Cars, and that lasted about 15 minutes before they were outside playing in the rain. I played in the rain with them for a few minutes, then started making dinner.

L was full of meal ideas today. She had asked for pizza for lunch, but I said I'd make it for dinner. I made the dough and then realized that I was out of cheese. So I told girls we needed to run to the store and we got dressed again and headed out. We picked up a few things and sang "It's raining, it's pouring..." on the way through the parking lot. L cracks me up with her infectious laugh about that kind of stuff!

We came home and I got the chicken cooking. The girls all took a bath and then we ate dinner. I wrote most of this while eating dinner and right after. Which looked like writing, helping kids, writing, putting another pizza in the over, writing, calling my mom back, helping kids, writing, pulling the pizza out of the oven, writing, dressing the baby to go outside, writing, posting about today on facebook, writing, turning the piano on for Z, writing, turning music on for Z, writing, and so on.

At some point in there, the girls were getting snippy with each other and I tried to distract with a fun race of "Let's see who can pick up stuff in your room the fastest!" That one often works, but it floated like a lead balloon tonight.

E and L played outside for a long time, while Z alternated between playing outside, nursing and dancing to worship music. I cleared the counter, put food away, put away the clothes (dress up and regular) in the girls room, put away a load of laundry and started another load.

I found a spider in a jar that they asked me to catch earlier and they set it free outside. A few minutes later I heard squeals that were somewhere between being grossed out and fascinated. The spider lost a leg and the leg was still twitching. They asked me why and I told them it was reflexes/the nervous system. We'll have to look that one up later, because I have no idea how to explain it beyond that!

I sat in the bathroom with Z, reading my Bible while she took a bath. Then E and L came in from playing and took a bath too (Yes another one!), while I posted an interesting verse on GCM. They brushed their teeth and I put on a movie for them. They watched about half of it, Z nursed to sleep, and then I put my tv show on, and E and L fell asleep.

Was the day perfect? No! Most moments were good ones, but there were some bumps along the way. Z, who has been using the toilet since 17 months, peed on a chair at dinner and on the bed right before we laid down. I ended up apologizing to L for being cranky about her being slow getting dressed when we went to the store. After trying to problem solve with E and L (who were hungry right before dinner) over the space they were fighting over in the bath, I ended up pulling them both out so no one got hurt. I probably growled at the grabby handed 2 year old to "stop touching me!" when she was needing my boobs while nursing for the 3 thousandth time today.

 Overall, though, it was a wonderful day!

First Day of School (aka Catching Lizards)

Kids all across the country are starting school today (does that seem early to you?!  Yah, me too!), but we went about doing what we do every day.  Living and learning.  

On Saturday, the girls' cousins were visiting and we went for a swim at the river.  E caught a little, tiny blue belly lizard, about an inch long.  She really wanted to keep it, but I was afraid it was going to get squished.  We had 6 kids ages 8 and under all clammoring to hold it and pet it.  On top of that, I was thinking how sad it would be if it died, as wild animals are likely to do in captivity.  Also, we were headed back to her grandma's house and had nothing in which to transport it.  So I said no, but she was really sad. 

Later that day, I realized we could have kept it and just let it go the next day so it wouldn't die on us.  I told her that we'd make a special trip back to the river to find another lizard.  So today, while millions of kids started school, we packed a picnic lunch and walked along the trail to the river very slowly, looking for lizards.  We saw about half a dozen on the way there, then we hung out at the river for a while and nearly caught a crawdad.  L and I watched some little tiny fish that looked like they were feeding on something on a rock.   On the way back, E almost caught 2 more adult lizards, but they got away.   

As we were getting in the car, L saw another baby lizard, and she and I tried to get it.  It scurried under a log, and E jumped out of the car and went after it.  After several minutes of chasing it back and forth, E finally just yanked the log up, shoved her hand under it, grabbed a handful of dirt and got the lizard in the process. She scratched up her arm, but she had her lizard!

My camera is broken and E's doesn't take good pictures, so the lizard is hard to see, but the picture at least shows how tiny it is.  That's a nickel behind it in the first picture and to the left in the second picture.   

We watched some videos of lizards laying eggs, and we found out how to tell if it is a boy or a girl.  This one was a girl.  We also found out that lizards help keep Lyme disease from spreading.  Apparently, when a tick feeds on the blood of a lizard, it becomes inoculated against Lyme disease.  Then it doesn't spread Lyme disease to other animals or people when it bites them. 

Unfortunately, even on day in captivity was too much for Lizzie/Rose (depending on which kid you asked about her name).  She died this evening. Next time, we'll do a much quicker catch and release. 

Leadership vs. Partnership

There are so many yeses built into our lives now, that I've started using them to justify a lack of partnership with my kids in daily interactions.  Food and sleep and tv and all of those things that seem to be the major hang ups for some people in the journey to radical unschooling, are just foregone conclusions now in the big picture, with only minor details to work out based on day to day factors.  Situations that arise on a regular basis are also yeses built into our lives- yes you can play in the sprinklers, yes you can take a bath, yes you can play with board games.....

It's when new situations arise, and a few do every day, where I just haven't seemed to have the mental and emotional energy to think through working together.  Or when I have THE PLAN, and want to stick to THE PLAN.  I'm busy and I'm tired and I just want to not be inconvenienced and be able to do things my way, dang it!

And therein lies the trouble. 
I'm really lacking unschooling support where I live now.  I only have one friend who would maybe lean unschoolish for academics if there weren't extenuating circumstances making a more structured approach her best option.  Everyone else in the homeschool community who I've met so far, are not unschoolers and certainly not radical unschoolers.  I haven't even breathed the phrase for the last year and a half lest I chase them all away.

On top of that, D is doing wildland firefighting again this summer, and has been gone for over a month.  So I'm solo parenting for now. 

Because of all of this, I've been falling more into my natural tendency to state things directly.

"Today we're going to the store and then the park."
"Get your shoes on, let's go."
"Let's do a little clean up and then we'll watch a movie or read some books and
go to bed."  

I posted that on Always Learning and tried to explain how this was leading to some fuzzy thoughts about leadership and asked for their thoughts.  The idea was bouncing in my head, though never holding still long enough for me to examine, that part of being a parent is just leading and expecting them to follow.  I told myself that I'm always open to discussion or objections if they present them, but that it just made more sense to do it my way as long as they were coming along without too much fuss.  

They said I sounded bossy.  I didn't want to admit it, but it's probably true.  

There was a time when I was using much better phrasing, much more often.  Where I was much more concerned with taking everyone's needs into account.  Not just assuming that I knew their needs and taking them into account when I made my decision, but actually asking them and working with them.  I've been failing at that more often than not recently.

I've justified it with my observation that my kids are generally happy.  In a way, what I've been doing IS working for us.  I think the lack of arbitrary rules and restrictions overall makes for a happier home even when I'm being bossy or self centered about certain things.

However, there is something lacking in a focus on leadership that is present when the focus is on partnership.  It's the connection.  It's seeing them as whole people.  It's them knowing that I understand their perspective and care about their desires.   Even with all the yeses built into the system, focusing on leadership turns me into a manager of the system and turns them into cogs in the wheel.  Focusing on partnership makes it all about the relationships. 

So I'm committing to getting back to focusing on partnership.  I'm calling up all the resources I've used before, but with little homeschooling community and no unschooling community here, and with D gone for possibly a few more months, I'm going to need to find some new inspiration, new tools, and new ideas.

And the journey continues....  

 

Ok, I quit!

No, I'm not quitting saying yes! I'm just quitting blogging about it. Well, not permanently, I'm quite sure it will come up often. But I am not going to continue to try to blog about it every day for this 30 day challenge. I have too many other things to do..... like spend time with my kids. lol

I will just jot down a few things that have happened the last few days, not necessarily yes related, though kind of.

E got stung 8 times by wasps, L got stung once and I got stung 3 times. The ironic thing is that we had just watched A Bee Movie the night before and talked all about honey bees and them protecting their hives. So, then E wanted to know what the difference is between honey bees and wasps. The best we could come up with is that honey bees are useful and we like honey and we understand why they sometimes sting to protect their hives. Wasps on the other hand are useless and evil and attack unprovoked. Ok, I know that's not entirely true (except it really was unprovoked, but I'm sure not from their perspective), but that's the best I could come up with in my post-sting, still itchy state.

We were watching Sponge Bob last night and I just love how such a silly, sometimes outright ridiculous show can spark neat conversations. Sponge Bob and Patrick were protesting the building of a highway that was going to destroy Jellyfish Fields. That led to conversations about the environment and how decisions are made to do necessary things like build highways, but that there is a cost to nature in the trees that are destroyed, the landscape and sometimes the homes of wildlife. She was really sad that all the grass was killed by the highway, but then at the end they tore the highway out and the grass came back and the jellyfish got their home back. During one part, they were dressed up like hippies and she asked why they were dressed like that. I told her about the war protests during that era and the ones that still go on today. Yep, conversations about environmentalism, ethics, construction, history, war and civics, with a 4 year old, sparked by Sponge Bob. So cool!

Day 7-9

Good thing daily blogging isn't my job- I'd so be fired!

Day 7-9

I've been surprised to find by doing this challenge how much I actually do say Yes to. So much of it is just default now! Where I still struggle is when my kids want me to do something *with* them, to connect with them, play with them etc. DOING things is easy for me. Saying yes to a mess and then cleaning it up isn't such a big deal. Arbitrary restrictions are pretty much gone and yes is the default answer.

Taking a bath for the 3rd time today which means water all over the floor I will need to clean up and an extra load of laundry? Sure!

"Mom come watch me in the bath." Not so easy.

Connecting is always the struggle.


A few things we have been doing the last few days....

I bought the girls binoculars and magnifying glasses at the dollar store. Of course one of the binoculars broke 2 minutes after we walked out the door! The magnifying glasses have been fun though. They have been looking for little bugs and solving mysteries.

We saw a craft on Sprout where they painted rocks like ladybugs, so we did that. Then the girls wanted to paint crab apples. I tried to get them to stick with the rocks since they will last and the apples are going to go bad, but the apples are so much fun for them to gather that they didn't think much of my suggestion. Oh well! They are having blast painting something almost every day.

I picked up a couple of books at the library that have stories, but all the pictures are made out of photographs of fruits and vegetables. One of them is a story about a seahorse. The seahorse is made from chioggia beets, the ocean plant life is different kinds of kale, lettuce and mushrooms, the crab is a shitake mushroom and tamarinds. This got us talking about all these different kinds of foods, most of which we have never tried. So next time I am at the store I'm going to try to find a few of these things. E said she wanted asian eggplant, celery root and horned melon.

A few weeks ago E got a book at the library about cobras. She looked at it a few times and then it has just been sitting around since then. She watched an episode of the Aladin tv show and Jasmine turns into a snake. I brought her the book, thinking that Jasmine was a cobra. She pointed out the differences and that Jasmine was not in fact a cobra, but some other snake that we are pretty sure is not a real one just something they invented for the cartoon.

Playing Catch Up: Day 3-6

Yes, I love to write. No, that doesn't always mean I feel like blogging. Yep, it's only Day 6 (well 7 now, it's past midnight) and I am way behind on blogging every day. I won't do a recap of everything in the last few days, but I'll highlight some Yeses!


Yes at the grocery store....

We have been in the habit of saying yes at the grocery store for a pretty long time now. That doesn't mean that any of us always get everything we want, but that everyone's desires are taken into consideration along with the practicalities of the budget. Usually E gets one type of candy or other sweet thing for the week. This isn't a rule "one thing per shopping trip." It depends on the week's budget and how much what she wants costs. It depends what we already have at home. We try to go shopping once a week, but sometimes it's more or less. Usually if she asks for something I can make cheaper at home it will end up being something like "we can buy X and I can make Y at home or we can just buy Y because it's more expensive." It depends.

I can't even remember the last time she got upset about this arrangement. People hear "no restrictions on food" and imagine her running through the store grabbing up every bit of candy she can get her hands on. Nope, not at all. This week's shopping trip was more confirmation that when you live by principles of abundance rather than rules, the drive to Get, Get, Get just falls away. Abundance is about so much more than physical means.

Of all the things in the grocery store here's what E picked out for herself and her requests for the family. Organic, low sugar, no additives cereal. Organic yogurt. Organic cheese. Cantaloupe. Grapes.



Yes at 4 in the morning....

L woke up at 4 yesterday morning. She didn't know that I was lying there already awake and she sat up, announced "I'm hungry," got out of bed, went to the fridge and got herself an orange. She brought it back to bed and then asked me to peel it for her, but quickly changed her mind and decided she'd "do it the self!"

4 in the morning is not my prime time of day. Especially after getting to bed at midnight. But she was just too cute to resist. We sat up together for a while and I got her a few more oranges and some cucumber. She chatted away about all the things on a 2 year old's mind before dawn and I listened and laughed and tried to keep her from climbing on her sleeping sister and daddy.

She laid back down after about half an hour and finally fell back asleep about half an hour after that. I don't have the foggiest idea why her body needed that much food at 4 in the morning. But I trust that she needed it and I am glad that I was the one who got to spend those special moments with her.

Say Yes More- Day 2

Yesterday was Day 2 of the challenge. Saying yes lead to something pretty fun for the girls! First we made rain sticks with paper towel tubes and rice and aluminum foil on the inside. Then they wanted to play with just the rice.... YES! So, I let them do it in the kitchen where it was easy to sweep up. I gave them both a bowl full of rice and they had a blast. It ended up all over the kitchen floor, but they had at least a half an hour of fun together playing all kinds of pretend play like saying the rice was food for their chickens and dogs and chasing their animals back in the pen. And I got to do the dishes while they played! Well worth a few minutes of sweeping that needed to be done anyway.

We also read some books. E is really into princesses lately, so she enjoyed a fairy tale book we have with stories like Beauty and the Beast and Aladin. I don't think this version is the original stories, but they aren't the same as the Disney versions either.

An hour long appointment took a 4 hour trip, as our car is broken down so we had to ride the bus. The girls think the bus is a pretty fun novelty though and we had lots of good conversations. At the appointment, they got finger pricks to check their iron levels, so E and I talked about iron and blood. Because her blood was a bit thick, we talked about drinking enough water in this heat. She also was pretending to breath a flower all the way up her nose and into her body, and that led to a conversation about oxygen going into our lungs and then into our blood stream. So many things came up yesterday I can't even remember them all! Bus etiquette, lots of pretend play, and all kinds of questions and answers about where we were going and what we were doing.

I showed E how to play Solitaire yesterday and we also played Go Fish. Then D showed her how to play Poker.

Looking forward to seeing what today brings!

Say Yes More

I am doing a 30 day Say Yes More Challenge. Read here and here if you're wondering what I'm talking about.

I notice that when I say yes more to the kids it means we connect more. If I say yes, then I have to get up off my butt and go help them do whatever I just said yes to. While I'm helping them, we get all those wonderful moments of exploration and questions and discussions that always lead to them and often to me, learning something new. It also helps our days go smoother. When they are feeling more connected to me there is less fighting, less whining, less issues in general.

I haven't been blogging much lately, so during this challenge I'm going to try to blog every day about our days.

Today is Day 1:

Saying yes more didn't lead to any really amazing moments today, but it was a good day nonetheless. We spent about 2 hours outside and the girls played soccer and tag and drew with chalk and picked blackberries. They also dug in the dirt for a long time making "crystals to wish on to make our dreams come true" out of mud balls.

I cleaned up their play room and got all the game organized. I also rearranged, because they got a new craft table a few days ago. I didn't like the way their tv was set up before. It was in a corner and required the chair to be sitting in a way that their backs were to the door and all the other toys. It felt closed off to me. So I arranged it so that now they have a cozy little nook with their tv and books and the chair facing so they can see all their toys, see out the window and see the door.

E and D watched a show about sharks on Discovery for a long time, and then I watched it with her while we played tic-tac-toe. I also showed her how to play hangman and did real short words like Cat and Dog.

On thing I noticed today is how many things I say yes to by default that I used to really struggle with. Food and tv used to be things that I really had to make a conscious effort to say yes to and remind myself why I was doing so. Now saying yes is automatic and I can focus my energy on being aware of what they are watching and eating and offering lots of options, fixing yummy food or connecting with them over a tv show. They energy is so much more positive than it used to be, and there is so much more joy and peace in these areas that used to be full of strife.

Now the kids are ready to snuggle up with a movie and go to bed. I need to say yes to watching it with them!

Asking Permission

L does something so cute, sweet and surprising. She asks me permission to do things all the time! Odd things, that I would never say no to. Like "can I play with sister?" Well, yes, of course. Or things that I would never think a 2 year old would think to ask permission to do. A few days ago, she reached for something off my plate and then stopped her hand mid air and said "Go ahead?" If she see that I am busy or talking, she will even whisper it in my ear!

It makes me laugh, because her personality is just so different from E's. Then again, their experiences being 2 years old are quite different as well.

I posted a while back (I think I blogged about it, I know I talked to people about it) how L would say "yes!" all the time. I didn't expect it to last forever, in fact it wouldn't be healthy if it did, but having a 18 month old who would say yes to every request and question was quite adorable. I liked to think that it was because I try to say yes often to her. I don't succeed as much as I'd like, but I sure say YES now more often than I did when E was this age.

The last 2 months or so, L suddenly got the toddler NO down, just before her 2nd birthday this month. My experience with it was so different than with E. I now know not to be concerned about defiance and it's not a battle to win. It's a healthy sign of emotional growth and independence. She's figuring out who she is, that she has different preferences than I do, and stating that in one simple word. So, this time around I can just smile and distract her or work out some agreeable solution.

I was not expecting her to start asking for permission and I have to wonder where it comes from. It's not like she sees her sister asking all the time. I mean, E does ask sometimes, but often she just states what she wants to do or just does it. She's far more assertive. And it's not like L is concerned about punishment if she does something of which I don't approve. I'm glad to say that unlike E at this age, L has no concept of punishment. I was actually vaguely concerned about it being a people-pleasing tendency. Her strong NO at times is actually a relief of that concern. Yes, I am really relieved that my child is not perfectly compliant! But the asking permission remains really sweet and quite baffling.

Here's another example.....

Tonight I made some cookies with my kids, gave them a bath, and played under a fort we made with the table and a blanket. Then I said, "let's lay down, watch a tv show and go to sleep." We all snuggled up under the blankets for a cartoon on Sprout and I said "after this show is over we'll go to sleep."

This is how we often get to bed. We pull E's twin sized mattress into the living room, snuggle up together, put on a tv show or movie and they are out in half an hour. Then D and I can stay up for a few hours if we want to. E used to stay up a lot later, but now that she's dropped her naps, she goes to bed earlier.

When I turned the tv off, it was clear after 5 minutes that neither of them were as tired as I thought. E said that she wanted to stay up, so I let her. Most people would probably think that is permissive, but I counter that it's only permissive if bedtime is a "rule." Or if the household even has a "bedtime." We don't. My job is to help my children fall asleep when they are ready, make the environment conducive to sleep, help them learn to recognize the signs that their body is tired, and trust that they are learning about their *own* bodies and their *own* needs as separate people from me.

So, I told her that yes, she could stay up. She wanted to use the mattress as a slide off the couch and I said that was fine as long as it was fairly quiet. I left the lights off, except one low one and the tv to keep the atmosphere. I reminded her that it was late at night and our upstairs neighbors were sleeping, because that is being respectful of their boundaries. I said that she could do it as long as she wasn't banging on the floor or yelling. The girls played quietly for half an hour or so, and then settled back in to watch tv. L came and snuggled with me to nurse, and is asleep on my lap right now. E fell asleep watching Brother Bear..... quietly, peacefully, when their bodies were ready.

Yes, we are radical unschoolers. No, we are not permissive.

Also titled: Kids need boundaries and adults need boundaries too.

People who have only heard of radical unschooling or who know "that one family with the bratty kids," often think that radical unschooling is permissive. They say "but kid's need boundaries!"

I agree! But I don't think most people understand what "boundaries" are.

They hear boundaries and think rules or limits. Like a fence that corrals the kids in, and if they hop the fence then they get punished or manipulated into coming back. Or maybe it's an electric fence and they get shocked for even touching it. They see kids as always "testing the boundaries" and they believe it's their job to keep the fence strong. They put some thorny bushes or a swamp outside the fence and if they believe in using rewards, they might stick a candy dish or their love in the middle of the corral to entice the kids to stay inside.

Rules are not the same as boundaries though. Boundaries are about a person putting up protection around themselves, that allows healthy things in and keeps the unhealthy things out. That's why I agree that yes, kids need boundaries. They need our help learning what those boundaries are and how to kindly, but firmly enforce them. Kids also need our help learning what other people's boundaries are and how to respect when people are enforcing their boundaries. None of it is about putting rules, restrictions and restraints on either kids or adults, and it's not about anyone doing "whatever they want" if it means trampling someone else's boundaries.

Permissiveness is having a boundary and not enforcing it or allowing those in your care (namely your children) to break through someone else's boundary.

For example, I have a boundary about my personal body space that I will not allow someone to jump on me. This is for my personal protection so I don't get hurt. On the other hand, my husband is ok with the kids jumping on him (literally from the couch to his back) when they play. So, we don't have a "rule" that says "no jumping on people." Yet, my kids understand that most people don't like being jumped on and they don't do it to anyone but my husband. It would be permissive if I said that I don't want to be jumped on and then if my kids did it anyway, I let them, all the while getting angrier and angrier until I finally exploded and yelled "Get off me!" or worse, punished them for it. It is much more respectful to all of us for me to state that I do not like being jumped on and then help my children *understand* and respect that boundary. It would also be permissive if my children tried jumping on a guest in my home and I stood there and and let them violate that person's boundary. On the other hand, it is not permissive for them to jump on my husband when he allows it. Though it may seem like chaos, wild children and "doing whatever they want" (especially since they are often naked and loud, lol), they are not violating his boundaries, because he is ok with it.

The other piece to this is the radical unschooling. Part of radical unschooling (and really this should just be part of all parenting) is helping our children find acceptable alternatives. "Acceptable" is a word that needs to be challenged as well. It doesn't just mean whatever the parent is comfortable with, because that can be pretty limiting! There are a lot of variables to take into account when figuring out what's acceptable- first and foremost is boundaries, but also money, time, space, etc. As a parent, I feel that it's my job to stretch my ideas of what is acceptable and comfortable for me, and be willing to look at the bigger picture. This world is so amazing, and learning happens in so many unexpected ways both large and small. If I can be willing to say YES, even if something is odd or unconventional or uncomfortable for me, it will open up a larger world with more opportunities for learning for my children. In addition, finding alternatives is a chance to be with my child in a meaningful way that builds our relationship and that is the most important part.

So, when I have told my children that they can't jump on me because it violates my personal boundaries (not in so many big words!), I don't just leave it at that. I find somewhere they CAN jump and a way that we CAN play together. They can jump on the couch, the bed, the mattress on the floor, at the indoor playground, off the picnic table at the park, off the retaining wall, on our friend's trampoline. Maybe we can buy a trampoline- not right now, because of real world financial restraints- but how can we make that happen? Save up some money each week? See if we can find one used? Craigslist, freecycle, ask around..... the possibilities go on and on.

It seems like when people say that some kids get to "do whatever they want," they are implying that whatever they want is destructive, mean, and self-centered and we have to train that out of them. I think we need to look at the underlying needs. Sure, I could jump to the conclusion that my child is jumping on me because they have a desire to be cruel and hurt me. Or I could see what is obvious to an in tuned parent- she wants to get out her energy and play with me. So how can we make that happen in a way that is safe and respectful? This means that I spend a lot more time with them than I would if I just made a "rule" and then set up "consequences." This requires that I connect with my kids hundreds of times a day over all kinds of situations. It's hard work! But the relationship we have and the way they treat other people, lets me know that it's all worth it.

The other side of this is that kids need boundaries for themselves and need help learning how to enforce them. This is a really big deal right now in my house with a 4 year old and a 20 month old! Radical unschooling doesn't mean that I let my children beat up on each other because "that's what they want to do." It means I spend a LOT of time helping them navigate situations. Today, E was drawing at the table and L kept trying to push E off the chair and get her stuff. I moved L and tried to get her engaged with her own drawing at her chair, but she didn't want to. So, I talked to E about the options. I suggested taking her stuff in her room so L wouldn't bother her and she agreed that would work. I helped her enforce her boundary around her personal space and her stuff.

So, yes kids need boundaries and so do adults! And yes we are radical unschoolers. No we are not permissive!

Food, choices and joy

I'm finding it so fascinating to watch E's food choices. Today, I made smoothies for breakfast, and I should have made her something else because I know she doesn't really like smoothies, but I didn't. So, she drank a few sips, then wanted an ice cream. So, I got her an ice cream and pulled out some frozen strawberries for L. As soon as E saw the strawberries she said "OOOHHHHH! We have strawberries?!" and put down the ice cream. I thawed out some strawberries and blueberries and the girls both munched on those while the ice cream sat melting in a bowl on the table.

Yesterday, we went to Trader Joe's and E saw a bag of little onions, and wanted to buy them. I had no idea what we were going to do with them, but it's fun to let her pick out her own food, so I let her put them in the cart. Then she saw a bag of little pumpkins and wanted those. I had the idea that we could do a soup with the onions and pumpkin, and she liked that idea. Then she wanted to buy a bag of cranberries. Now I REALLY had no idea what to do with fresh cranberries, but again it's fun for her to pick things out and I knew we could come up with something. Then she picked out cookies and gum and that's all she wanted.

So, today we made the soup together. We chopped up the onions and I cooked the pumpkin and it was her idea to put the carrots and cranberries in the soup. I've never had cranberries in a soup, but I figured what the heck, let's try it! It turned out really good!

After she ate her strawberries and blueberries, she had a few more bites of the ice cream, then put it down again in favor of the soup. While eating the soup, she went on and on about how yummy the soup was and "this makes my body feel good, mommy!" and she put some blueberries in her soup too.

Then, later, she wanted some of D's soda, and she asked me to mix it with water, which I've never done or suggested to her. So, I did, and she took a few sips and didn't drink anymore.

We went to Whole Foods to do some shopping and on the way there, she ate two bananas. Her special request while we were there was gum, because the gum she had gotten from Trader Joe's was spicy and she didn't like it. She also asked for crackers, but I said that we'd have to buy them somewhere else because their prices are crazy. She was ok with that. I got some coconut milk and coconut oil because I wanted to try out this vegan pancake recipe. I made the pancakes when we got home, and she ate 3 of them with honey.

This evening we were out of the house again, and D wanted to stop at Arby's. We rarely eat out, but he was craving something there, so we went through the drive through. E asked for a milkshake and we got it, and I split it with her. She took a few sips, then wanted some sandwich and ate half of that. Then took a few more sips of the shake, then ate the rest of the sand which. She barely drank half of her half of the shake. Before bed, she snacked on some apple slices.

Collaboration

Some days I do really well with facilitating everyone getting their needs met, and collaborating to find solutions to problems. Other days I just want MY WAY, and on those days I usually get it, but it comes at the price of joy and peace. We did well today, so I thought I'd put it here to read later and remind myself.

This morning, E and I looked at our flow chart and we talked about our day. We prayed and I did my Bible study, then ate breakfast, and then I started cleaning up the house, while the girls painted and colored. I got some of the cleaning done, but not everything I wanted to, before E wanted me to play with her. I looked at my long to do list and my messy house, and almost told her no. But instead I chose to play with her and read to her.

After a while, D wanted me to drive him to the store (he can't drive right now). Sometimes we get in this rut of picking up a few things at the store one day and then needing to go again in a few days. It drives me nuts, because I hate shopping! I want to shop once a week (or less), with a list, get in and get out. Yesterday, he wanted to go pick up one thing, and it led to this big argument. Today, I decided to just go and enjoy it. And I did!

He did most of the shopping, while E and I walked around and talked. A few days ago, she said she wanted brownies. I didn't have the ingredients or the time then, so today I asked her if she still wanted them. She did, so I picked up what I needed. Then she saw a frozen pizza and wanted that. I don't like the ingredients in those pizzas, so I offered to make her a homemade one. D thought that sounded good too, so we got everything we needed. Then E wanted a huge block of cheese. I reminded her that D was already getting shredded cheese for the pizza, but she wanted *her own cheese.* The block was expensive and orange (milk is not orange people, that's chemicals!), so I suggested string cheese instead. She loved that idea!

I had told her when we first walked in the store that she had $1 to spend on whatever she wanted. Sometimes I give her $2 or $3, but the budget is tight right now. So, first she wanted candy from the bulk bins, and after some careful consideration, she decided on chocolate orange sticks. Then after a while, she changed her mind and wanted lip gloss. It was a pack of 10 with no price on it, so I told her that it probably cost more than $1, and we would find out when we went to pay. Then while we were looking at toothbrushes, she saw some lotion she wanted. It was a big $5 bottle, so I told her that was more money than she had, but we would see if they had some little ones. She looked at the travel sized ones, but decided the lip gloss was better.

When we got to the register, the lip gloss turned out to be $7, so I told her we'd have to put it back, but we could find some other chap stick. While the cashier was ringing up our other things, E and I ran back to the isle with the lotions because I thought the chap stick might be there. Instead, she chose a travel sized lotion. We were just about to hand it to the cashier, when she decided she wanted candy again. So, I told her to grab one from the checkout counter, and we asked the cashier to put the lotion back. Right as we were about to pay, she said she wanted the lotion instead of the candy. I didn't want to bother the cashier with voiding the candy, so I said that we'd just get both.

It probably sounds hectic, but really it was slow and full of discussions and questions and answers. It took time and energy, but it's well spent! I'd much rather use that time and energy to help her learn and figure out solutions, while we laugh and play. Otherwise I'd be using the same amount of time and energy just saying NO we can't afford it, NO you don't need that, NO I don't have time, NO I JUST REALLY WANT TO BE SELFISH RIGHT NOW, SO NO!

So, with all this collaboration and choosing to do things for my family, do I ever get what I want? Yep! When we got home, L was sleeping. E was happy with her purchases and had gotten a good fill of my attention between our play earlier and the shopping. D fixed us all lunch and played with her and they watched tv together. I got most of my to-do list done, and then played on the computer. Now she's asking to lay down for a nap, and while she sleeps I'll probably finish cleaning the house.

Brownies and a Bath

E and I made brownies tonight, and afterwords she played with water in the sink. I sat down to nurse L, and E said, "I want to get in the sink!" I said no at first, because I didn't want to get up to help her- I was tired and nursing the baby. But I quickly rethought that, and changed my mind. "YES!" So, I got up, filled up the sink with warm water, and helped her climb in. She had so much fun, and I remembered how nice it was when my mom used to wash my long hair in the sink and massage my head.

Improv and Saying Yes

When I was in highschool, I took drama for several years with my favorite teacher. We did a lot of improv, which is acting without a script. Think of the tv show, Who's Line Is It Anyway? With improv, the actors can use games or suggestions from the audience about locations or themes to get the ball rolling. From there, they have to feed off each other and respond to each other's ques, words and timing. They never know what the other person is going to do or say next.
My teacher told us to never refuse an offer when doing improv. So, if my acting parnter said, "Wow! You ate that whole burrito. Isn't that going to give you really bad gas?" My response could be to fake a fart and say "Yah, it does it to me every time. Can I borrow some of your Tums? I know you have to carry them around since your surgery." To which my partner could respond by talking about the surgery (or better yet, pulling out their colostromy bag). The point is to make it as entertaining as possible for the audience, and usually humorous though sometimes it can be dramatic. It's only entertaining if the actors paint vivid pictures, with their words and actions, since there is no set and often no props.
If an actor is too embarrased to talk about farting, they might refuse the offer, and respond "Oh, no burritos don't do that to me." But that stops the story in it's tracks and the audience is disappointed.

So, here's the point of all that:
I've been trying to make my default answer to E, YES. I read somewhere recently about families that "say no to everything, and then the negotiations begin." I don't want to do that. If my default answer is YES, then it opens up a million possiblities of when and where and how she can do what she wants to do, while still being safe and respectful.
I really struggle with this though. And while I've been getting a little better, I still find that my YES isn't as enthusiastic as my NO. My YES is "hhhmmm, ok, I guess" or "sigh, sure, why not" instead of a joyful "I would love to help you explore the world!"
When she wants to do something she's making me an offer. She's giving me a chance to be a part of her world, help her explore, be her partner, watch her grow, and connect with her. When I say no, the show stops. The opportunity is lost. Too often, I say no because I'm busy with something else and I don't want to take the time. But then the negotiations begin, and after all the time I've spent explaining my no, figuring out how to justify it to myself (which is usually harder), listening to the tears, and trying to redirect her, I might as well have spent that time helping her do what she wanted to do. After all, that's where the learning and connection happens.
So, that's my newest challenge to myself- accept all offers, and see where it leads the story. This life is really one, big improv show.