How to Parent a Three Year Old

Advise for myself, mostly. 

Here's a few things I've learned about parenting 3 year olds, as I have one for the third time.

Three year olds scream.  They also reinvent reality. 

I tell the other kids "Don't argue with a three year old."  You'll never win.

I keep telling myself "she's three and that's what three year olds do."  Which is true.  It's also really important for me to remember that it's not personal.  So I just let it go most of the time.

Until I didn't.  Over the last few months, the occasional suggestion of a more polite way to phase something became a frequent suggestion, then a correction, then a barked order.  "Don't scream at me!" 

So much for modeling.

This too shall pass:  Three is a trying age for me.  I think because it's a transition between babyhood, and really getting to know their personalities and preferences as they change and grow.  I was reading an old journal the other day and ran across an entry about L when she was 3.  L is usually the most easy going kid, but three was tough with her too.

It's been a challenge for me with all three kids so far, but one thing that makes it easier is remembering that it will end.  Whatever stage they are in, at whatever age they are, can't last forever.

It's not her, it's me: She's doing what 3 year olds do.  Your kid is doing what kids that age do.  They are doing it because they don't know a better way to handle their emotions.

And sometimes neither do I.  Sometimes neither do you.

Which is why we are screaming back at them or avoiding them or tuning them out.  At least, that's why I do it.  I don't want to handle the emotions that crop up when I connect.  Being needed and the feeling of responsibility that comes with that.  The guilt when unconditional love is being poured out on me, even though I just screwed up royally 20 minutes ago.  Wanting to crawl out of my skin, because everyone is touching me and talking to me.  Overwhelmed.  Tired.  Scared that if I try to connect I'll screw it up, so I don't try.

Identify the need behind the feeling and meet it:  For me, one need is to be alone to process all the other needs and feelings.  Maybe for you it's getting a shower or getting outside or reading your book or talking with adults or counseling.

Some people champion getting those needs met no matter the cost.  "It's ok to leave him crying with a baby sitter for a few hours.  You NEED this.  You'll be a better parent when you come back."

Some people champion never trying to meet that need away from your kids.  "My child was never away from me until he was 12.  I just found ways to (insert need getting met) while he was with me."

Get your needs met.  I truly am a better parent when I get to be alone for a little while.

However, I don't do it at the cost of my kids needs not getting met.  I don't have to leave for hours.  I can catch 20 minutes while they are happy playing together or watching a show.  If I'm practicing awareness, I can notice those moments while I'm doing dishes or folding clothes when they aren't in the room.  And I can breath.

Sometimes I do leave for hours, but I'm fortunate that my kids are usually happy with D or their grandma.  That wasn't always the case, and sometimes I left anyway and I regret it.  Other times I didn't have anyone to watch them, and I got my alone time while they were sleeping or busy.

Get creative and find ways that work for everyone to meet their needs and yours.

Connect:  Surprise, surprise, when I connect with Z, the screaming, the "NO!", the neediness, all lessens.  Poor baby is going through a lot right now.  I was pregnant and having some health issues and solo parenting, and I didn't have the energy to do as much with her.  Now she has a new baby sister.  Her dad has been out of state for work since April, and she misses him so much.

She doesn't have all the words to express how sad and angry she is about all of that.

When people know better, they do better.  But even more than that, when people feel better they do better.

I said three is a time of transition.  That transition seems to last until about age five.  My goal is to smooth that transition.  To make it easier and more peaceful for her.  She's just barely starting to figure out who she is, what she likes, and how to relate to other people.  I want to explore that with her, and learn more about her and how to relate to her.

Take a minute to celebrate how far you've come:  I can really beat myself up sometimes over my parenting.  So I took a minute this morning to think about when E was 3.  I was struggling not to spank.  I was literally digging my nails into my hands or holding my own hands behind my back to stop myself from hitting sometimes.  And I didn't always succeed in resisting the impulse.

That's not a struggle any more.  It took years of personal work, but I've come a long, long ways.

Maybe you're years into this gentle parenting journey and need to look back and celebrate how far you've come.

Maybe you're just starting out and feel like there's nothing to celebrate yet.  Did you do better today than yesterday?  Did you do better this afternoon than this morning?  Celebrate it!

Or choose now, right this moment, to do better.  Whatever your child is doing, right now, think of two ways to respond to it and choose the better one.       

Banning Technology

I've seen a few things going around lately about banning technology from kids, for all kinds of fearful, hyped up reasons. I just wanted to share a few of the neat things technology has allowed in our lives lately. Last night, my kids got to play a video game with their uncle who lives 2 states away. They do this every few weeks, and it's really neat, because they probably wouldn't know him otherwise. Just talking on the phone can be awkward between a single guy and little kids, but having the video game to connect over meant at least an hour of conversation.
Also, my mom and my aunt are on a trip through Italy right now. The kids and I are able to "follow" them with google earth. Starting from the San Fransisco airport, tracking their path to Germany and then Italy, seeing the B&B where they are staying, the art museum the visited, the walk they went on, etc. has all been really neat. Plus when my kids ask a question I don't know the answer to, I'm able to pull up pictures, videos and answers in 2 minutes flat.
L loves coloring in pictures on an app on the phone and then being able to play it back, so I can see the process she used. We can play board games on free apps without the expense of buying them or the mess of cleaning them up. They can stay connected with family by writing emails back and forth. All of my kids have favorite tv shows and video games that bring laughter, questions, conversations, and a way to unwind into our home.
Could we survive without technology? Well, based on the fact that E played outside with friends for, literally, at least 8 hours today and L and Z did the same for at least 4... yes, I think we'd manage. But I can't imagine why would I want to take away these amazing modern resources for learning, connecting with people, and entertainment.

Leadership vs. Partnership

There are so many yeses built into our lives now, that I've started using them to justify a lack of partnership with my kids in daily interactions.  Food and sleep and tv and all of those things that seem to be the major hang ups for some people in the journey to radical unschooling, are just foregone conclusions now in the big picture, with only minor details to work out based on day to day factors.  Situations that arise on a regular basis are also yeses built into our lives- yes you can play in the sprinklers, yes you can take a bath, yes you can play with board games.....

It's when new situations arise, and a few do every day, where I just haven't seemed to have the mental and emotional energy to think through working together.  Or when I have THE PLAN, and want to stick to THE PLAN.  I'm busy and I'm tired and I just want to not be inconvenienced and be able to do things my way, dang it!

And therein lies the trouble. 
I'm really lacking unschooling support where I live now.  I only have one friend who would maybe lean unschoolish for academics if there weren't extenuating circumstances making a more structured approach her best option.  Everyone else in the homeschool community who I've met so far, are not unschoolers and certainly not radical unschoolers.  I haven't even breathed the phrase for the last year and a half lest I chase them all away.

On top of that, D is doing wildland firefighting again this summer, and has been gone for over a month.  So I'm solo parenting for now. 

Because of all of this, I've been falling more into my natural tendency to state things directly.

"Today we're going to the store and then the park."
"Get your shoes on, let's go."
"Let's do a little clean up and then we'll watch a movie or read some books and
go to bed."  

I posted that on Always Learning and tried to explain how this was leading to some fuzzy thoughts about leadership and asked for their thoughts.  The idea was bouncing in my head, though never holding still long enough for me to examine, that part of being a parent is just leading and expecting them to follow.  I told myself that I'm always open to discussion or objections if they present them, but that it just made more sense to do it my way as long as they were coming along without too much fuss.  

They said I sounded bossy.  I didn't want to admit it, but it's probably true.  

There was a time when I was using much better phrasing, much more often.  Where I was much more concerned with taking everyone's needs into account.  Not just assuming that I knew their needs and taking them into account when I made my decision, but actually asking them and working with them.  I've been failing at that more often than not recently.

I've justified it with my observation that my kids are generally happy.  In a way, what I've been doing IS working for us.  I think the lack of arbitrary rules and restrictions overall makes for a happier home even when I'm being bossy or self centered about certain things.

However, there is something lacking in a focus on leadership that is present when the focus is on partnership.  It's the connection.  It's seeing them as whole people.  It's them knowing that I understand their perspective and care about their desires.   Even with all the yeses built into the system, focusing on leadership turns me into a manager of the system and turns them into cogs in the wheel.  Focusing on partnership makes it all about the relationships. 

So I'm committing to getting back to focusing on partnership.  I'm calling up all the resources I've used before, but with little homeschooling community and no unschooling community here, and with D gone for possibly a few more months, I'm going to need to find some new inspiration, new tools, and new ideas.

And the journey continues....  

 

Communicating with My Three Year Old

Some of the things L says and especially how she says them, really grate on me.  It's not her fault though- she is communicating the only way a three year old knows how.  I need to work on my issues (again!) so I'm not so irritated with her.  She's so sweet, and when I snap at her it breaks her little heart.

When she says, "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of being too slow or intentionally putting her off, and I need her to know that I do want to spend time with her.  

When she says "You FORGOT....." I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of forgetting something that I am actually working towards and I need her to understand that I am in the process of getting to her request.

When she asks me the same thing five times in rapid succession, I feel irritated because I perceive that she is accusing me of not listening or not paying attention and I need her to know that I do want to respond, but I need a moment to think.

Writing that made a few things clear to me:

-My subconscious, underlying perceptions of the intentions and unspoken implications of a three year old need a serious reality check.

-She is probably feeling frustrated and sad, because she perceives that I am forgetting her, ignoring her, or not listening to her.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true.  She is the quiet middle child, and it's far too easy to pass over her when things are hectic or when I am lost in my own thoughts.  

Everything I need her to know- that I want to spend time with her, that I am getting to her request, that I want to respond, but need a moment to think- she needs to know too!

So I need to work on better communication with her:

When she is waiting for me to do something, I need to tell her specifically when I will be able to do it and then follow through.  If anything changes during that time, I need to tell her clearly.  "I will play Monopoly with you.  First I'm going to clean off the table, then I'm going to get the dog her food, then we will play."  And when that changes, "Oh, I just realized the baby needs a diaper change.  I'm still going to play with you, but first I need to change the baby's diaper."

When she asks me something, I need to answer her right away.  If I need a minute to think, I need to say so. 


Someone out there is thinking, "What about her behavior!  You're just going to let your child be rude and snotty and not do anything about it?!"

Well, I can tell you that what I have been resorting to has been both ineffective and damaging. 

This morning when she said "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," complete with the raised eyebrows and hands on her hips, I said, "Stop being rude!  You can say 'Mom, I'm frustrated that you aren't playing with me yet' or...." and I didn't finish my sentence, because it was lame. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving a kid a script of a more polite, more effective or more thoughtful way of expressing themselves.  But it has to be in the context of partnering with them to be the effective communicators they want to be.  I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth, that all I was doing was being rude and critical myself.  I could see on her face that as soon as I snapped at her about being rude, she was hurt and embarrassed and she shut down.

To some people, it would look like "it worked."  Her attitude disappeared immediately and she looked contrite.  If I would have finished my script, she would have repeated it after me, and it would have looked like I had succeeded in correcting the behavior. 

Correcting the behavior is not my goal, however.  I want to know WHY she is acting that way.  The truth is that you cannot change someone else, only yourself, so I'm starting with me.  What I can do for her is figure out some things about her personality, and help her to grow into them in a healthy way.

I think that her Love Language is Acts of Service, which means that she best receives expressions of love when people do things for her.  It might also be Words of Affirmation, which would mean that she feels especially loved when people say kind, uplifting and positive things to her and she is especially sensitive to critical or negative words.

I think her Energy Type is either a Type 2 or a Type 4, which are both introverted energies.  If she is a Type 2, she is especially sensitive and has a strong desire to please.  So when she gets frustrated, she might be trying to mimic the bold or blunt expression that myself or her Type 3 sister would use or just trying out the power of her words as a typical three year old developmental stage.  Because of her sensitivity and need to keep the peace, she immediately recoils at any hint of rebuke.  If she is a Type 4, she has the tendency to be bold and direct, and she immediately sees the flaws and imperfections in a situation and has a strong desire to perfect them.  Because she is only three, she doesn't know how to express these direct thoughts in a tactful way.   

These are things I'll be watching and helping her grow into as she gets older.   

 


The scripts "When_____I feel_____because I need______" are based on the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.  The author does not include the part about perception in the script, but he does talk about the difference between feelings and perceptions.   I add it into my self-talk to help myself differentiate between the two, and between my perceptions and the more objective reality in the situation. 

Getting Stuck and Finding Ways to Flow

 

I have been thinking lately about getting stuck in a thought pattern and how getting stuck sometimes turns in to BEing stuck.  Sometimes I can get stuck so fast that I don't even know I'm stuck, I just think that's The Way I Am.

A few weeks ago, I posted on Always Learning asking for advice about how I could have handled a situation with E better.  We have been walking and taking the bus to dance, gymnastics, the library and other places.  I had taken into account weather, convenience, time and other factors to decide whether we should walk or take the bus to and from particular places.  It seemed like every time I said we were taking the bus, E wanted to walk because "we never get to walk!  The bus is boring!" Every time we were walking, she wanted to take the bus, because when we walked she was "hot and tired and hated walking."

I had put myself into a box of have-to's and my-way-is-rights and this-is-the-only-possible-solution.  I wanted them to help me top the box with a pretty bow of making my way more fun for her so she'd quit complaining and just do it.  Of course, they didn't, because those wise women are not interested in helping other parents top their mess with something pretty.  They are interested with unpacking the box and sorting out the mess.


Someone had the idea of keeping a small notebook of games to play while walking or taking the bus, to make the trip more interesting.  So I wrote a few down and the next time we left the house, we played some games.  I talked to her and found out that she was feeling really frustrated about not having a car and I sympathized.

But the most important thing was that I had to let go of my insistence on doing things my way.  I started asking her before we left whether she preferred to walk or take the bus that day.  She has chosen to walk almost every time, which I thought she would regret on days when, for instance, that means walking a mile to gymnastics class, doing the class, then walking a mile home at 8 o'clock at night.  The girls have both gotten tired, but I didn't resort to "I told you so."  Instead we found solutions for that!  I stopped rushing them and started just enjoying the walk myself.  Last night we stopped at every street and driveway so they could sit down, I would count to 10, and then they would jump up again and skip and bound happily to the next driveway where they would sit down again.  Did they burn more calories this way than if they had just quietly walked?  Yah, probably.  Were they happy and enjoying themselves in spite of not having a car?  Yes!  We all pried ourselves out of that sticky spot and starting flowing again.



All of that got me thinking about the ways people keep themselves stuck.  I have been reading a lot lately about the power of our thoughts and how they affect our emotions and actions.  When we say "I am..." we are saying that is The Way I Am Period.  It leaves no room for change or growth.  One thing that I said on the Always Learning discussion was "I just don't 'get' people and emotional stuff."  I have told myself "I am not good at relationships and connecting with people." So even though I do try and I have grown and gotten better over the years, I have been convinced that no matter what I do it will only allow me to do a passable job of connecting, to maybe manage not to raise kids who need weekly therapy, but that I will never be as good at it as those people who are just naturally good at it.  I'm going to do another post about just what the heck it means to be "good at connecting with people" anyway, but my point is that thinking that way is keeping me stuck and I'm not going to do it anymore.

I have also said, "I am just not good at remembering names and faces," but now I am saying "I'm learning to remember names and faces better," and I got a book from the library called  Remember Every Name Every Time: Corporate America's Memory Master Reveals His Secrets.

What does this have to do with unschooling?  One thing that makes unschooling work is the willingness and ability to find out things you don't already know.  Kids ask a lot of questions and parents don't always have the answers, but we do have the resources to find the answers if we are willing.  But we have to be willing to stop saying "I am not good at math/ I am too impatient/ I am too poor to give my kids a rich life experience" and start saying "I am learning more math as my kids learn it/ I am remembering to just breath when I feel impatient/ I am finding lots of free things to do and saving money for something big."

So, what about you?  In what ways have you been stuck in the past and how did you get things flowing again?  Have any of those times helped your relationship with your kids or others?