Birth of Baby A

Contractions started around midnight, but they were very mild.  Around 3 in the morning, the contractions woke me up.  I wasn't convinced they were the real thing.  I was only at 37 weeks, and I had only been doing natural induction methods for 3 days.  I was trying to induce labor because of severe choleostasis, which can be dangerous to the baby, to the point of causing still birth.  I had been taking long walks, eating pineapple, taking the max dose of Dr. Christopher's birth prep, homeopathic black and blue cohash and two other herbs, Evening Primrose Oil, and doing acupressure. 

I laid there for an hour, and then I thought that if this is the real thing, I'd better straighten up the girls' room, because that's where the birthing tub was going to be set up.  So I texted D, my mom and my midwife, and then I started cleaning the kids' room.

As I was cleaning, the contractions were a bit stronger and closer, but I still wasn't convinced.  I had been planning to go to the clinic to get my blood drawn that morning anyway, to check on my bile acid levels due to the choleostasis.  If this turned out to not be real labor, we needed to keep checking my levels twice a week.  If they got too dangerously high, I would need to go in for a hospital induction or c-section.  So I went ahead and kept that plan.

I got breakfast, got the kids dressed and ready, and we headed out the door around 7:30.  I took them to my mom's house and went to the clinic for my blood draw.  While I was at the clinic, I realized that this was definitely real labor.  When I got back to my mom's house I told her I would not be picking up the kids, but leaving them there.  That was the labor plan.  I told her some things I needed from the store for labor, and drove home.

I called D and told him that this was for sure the real thing, and looked up plane tickets online for him.  He had to drive from where he was working to the Pheonix airport, about 2 hours away, and then fly to a city about 2 hours from us, where my step dad would pick him up.  Since my other home birth labors went 42 and 71 hours, we hoped that this one would take long enough for D to get here on time.   

At home, I got everything I needed set up.  I had my little station with water, my journal, my Bible, crocheting, the laptop for music on Pandora, my cellphone and charger, etc.  I had made a list ahead of time and had some things already in a basket, so it was easy to get everything together.  Then my mom and the girls came and brought me grapes and pinapple to snack on, and the Laborade drink  
I had asked my mom to make.  Then they left.
 

My midwife had already given the birthing tub to another couple who were due the same day as I.  So she let them know that now I needed it, and the husband was kind enough to bring it to my house and set it up for me.  It was a bit odd having a complete stranger in my house, setting up the birth tub, while I breathed through the occasional contraction.  His wife was going to be having her first baby, so I told him this was practice for him- seeing a woman in labor and setting up the tub.

Next we needed to fill it, but the sink adapter my midwife gave me didn't fit!  So my mom and the girls ran to the store to get one that would work.  In between them coming and going, and guy who set up the birth tub being here, I was alone, which was really nice.  I was looking forward to all of this set up being done, so everyone could just leave me alone for the rest of the labor.

My mom got the right adapter and started filling the tub for me.  She made sure I had everything I needed and then left.  I spent the next few hours alternating between sleeping through contractions and filling the tub.  I would turn on the hot water, set my phone alarm for half an hour and lay on my stomach on a huge pile of blankets on the couch, which put me in almost a hands and knees position.  Then I'd sleep between contractions, while listening to worship music.  When the alarm went off, I'd get up, turn off the water, drink some labor aid, eat some grapes and pineapple, and go back to sleep on my big pile of blankets, all in between contractions.  I'd give the hot water another half an hour to heat up, then get up and turn the water back on.  I probably did that cycle 6 or 8 times.

By this time it was mid afternoon.  The tub was finally full and I was debating whether or not to get in.  For a while I just labored in the living room, and this is when I was the most glad to be alone.  With L and Z, only D and my midwife were there, and because I was comfortable with both of them, I thought I was laboring in an uninhibited way.  It wasn't until I was truly alone for A's labor that I realized the difference.

I welcomed every contraction, often out loud.  There was no one there to complain to, so I didn't.  For a long time I sat on the edge of the couch, welcoming each contraction, visualizing baby moving down and myself opening up.  Between contractions, I'd just sit in a gloriously peaceful meditative state.  For a while I crocheted, and for a while I just sat.  Everything was quiet, and there was nothing in the world but me and my baby.

After a while, I decided to get in the tub.  By this time, contractions were 3 minutes apart, if I remember correctly, but I was rarely timing them.  Everything I had set up in the living room, now needed to be moved to the girls' bedroom by the birthing tub.  So I slowly did one thing at a time between contractions.

Finally, I got in the tub.  Labor was starting to get harder, but the water was great.  I sometimes labored on my knees with my head resting on my arms on the edge of the tub.  Sometimes I'd turn over, so I was sitting, but when a contraction would come, I'd let myself float up.  My legs were tired, so it was wonderful to have the water to relax in.  I sometimes massaged my feet and legs, which was a good distraction between contractions and felt really relaxing.

I got tired and between contractions I rested with my head on my arms on the side of the tub.  I got to that point where I'm not sure if I was sleeping or meditating or just completely focused, off in labor land somewhere, in between each contraction.  But again, nothing else in the world existed except what I was doing right there.

Suddenly, I heard and felt a POP!  It startled me and jolted me out of my focus.  I said outloud "What the hell was that?!"  Then it dawned on me that my water had just broken.

I looked in the tub and saw what I was pretty sure was meconium.  Because of the choleostasis, that concerned me.  I got out of the tub and called my midwife and we agreed it was time for her to come.

Contractions started coming hard and fast.  I knelt on the floor and put my head and arms on the couch.  The urge to bear down was intense.  At that point, I really wanted D there.  I missed him so much and wanted him to hold me through this.

I labored that way for half an hour and then my midwife showed up.  She checked to see how dilated I was, and I don't remember if she gave me a number, but I was close.  I got back in the tub and the contractions were easier, but mostly because there wasn't so much weight on my legs.

I called D and told him "This is getting hard."

I was only vaguely aware of my midwife moving around the room.  She was quiet and calm.  She asked to listen to the heartbeat a few times, which I was fine with.

An hour passed in the way that time can only pass during labor.  Where it feels like every contraction is lasting forever and that this will never end, and at the same time, when it was all over, I could have sworn it was only 15 or 20 minutes, not an hour!   

I remember telling my midwife "I'm tired," and saying the same thing I say at some point during every labor, "This still beats a c-section."  I told her that I was feeling the urge to bear down, and that I couldn't remember if this was what pushing feels like.  I told baby, "Come on, baby.  I want to meet you." 

I checked myself a few times and I could feel baby's head and hair.  There was still a lip of my cervix not quite out of the way yet.

Finally I was pushing.  It took a few contractions to get her head out and then we waited.  I could feel her little face and she was wiggling.  My midwife later told me that 3 minutes passed between those contractions.  The next contraction came and I pushed her out and caught her.

I lifted her out of the water and we waited for a moment, but she wasn't breathing.  My midwife gave her a few puffs of air and a few chest compressions.  The chest compressions were overkill, but we were both concerned because of the choleostasis, so I didn't mind.  We both rubbed her back and chest and she started to cry.

We moved to the couch, and I nursed her.  

That should be the end of the birth story, but then started the epic saga of delivering the placenta.  It took two freakin' hours! After this awesome labor and birth, the placenta would.not.leave.  My mom brought the kids back to the house, and she and my midwife took turns holding the baby and helping me.

That's when I started complaining.  I kept saying "I already had the baby.  I'm done!  I don't want to do any more.  Stupid placenta!"

My midwife offered to do a shot of pitocin in the cord, but that freaked me out.  I was thinking that pitocin causes really hard, painful contractions when used for induction, and I just couldn't do any more.  The cramping I was already experiencing was worse than labor, because it didn't let up.  Constant cramping is way harder than contractions that ebb and flow and you know each one will end.  Plus I was tired and just wanted to be done and enjoy my baby.

After moving from the couch to the floor to the bathroom, doing a whole lot of whining and even crying on my mom's shoulder, I finally said yes to the pitocin shot in the cord.  It didn't cause anything any worse than what I was already feeling and after 10 minutes or less, the placenta finally came.  I told my midwife that I was planning on keeping the placenta, but "now I hate it."  I did end up keeping it though.       

The girls loved seeing their baby sister, but they hadn't liked seeing me in pain delivering the placenta.  If they had seen any part of it, I wish they would have actually seen her be born.  The only got to see peaceful, meditative laboring mom a little and never got to see powerful, pushing out a baby mom.  Mostly just whiny, in pain, miserable and feeling done mom.  

Baby and I settled in on the couch, while my mom and my midwife cleaned up.  Everyone left before midnight and then D finally made it home.

Meditation

I just read this post on meditation and it is a perfect description of just how simple meditation is. When I meditate, I just remind myself to Be Still and I remember Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am Elohim," and Mark 4:39 "he said to the sea, 'Peace be still' and the wind ceased and there was great calm."

It doesn't even mean my body needs to be still (though that usually feels best for me, but I also meditate while doing yoga or walking or running sometimes). It mostly means that my Being needs to be still, in the present moment, experiencing whatever is going on right now inside me and around me. It's being completely aware, yet unattached.

I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but my energy or spirit or something feels like it's been scattered around as I rush around, and spread through dimensions as I think about the past or the future. When I meditate, it feels like this energy returns to my body and I'm whole again. I focus on my breathing and just let my thought slide by without getting attached to any of them. After a while, they quiet down.

I like to sit in a quiet dark room for 20 or 30 minutes, but that's hard to achieve with 3 little kids. So usually I meditate right in the middle of messy life. I just close my eyes and focus on a few breaths and YHWH's peace washes over me.

Answered Prayer for Compassion

Last night Liliana told me she was ready for bed so we laid down. Ezabella wanted to stay up, but said she'd snuggle with us until Liliana fell asleep. Liliana was tired and cranky and started intentionally falling off the bed. "Help! Help! I'm ffffaaaallllliiiinnnnggggggg!" she whined while scooting herself further and further down. She sometimes does that while she's sitting on our laps and it usually means she's tired, needs our attention and is trying to meet that need by having us "rescue" her. I understand all that and try to take the message with that intent in mind, but honestly it about drives me up the wall. Fake pleas of helplessness is defiantly one of my triggers- there's something else to explore in counseling!

Anyway, I knew that the kindest and most effective way to handle it would be to remind her that my arms were waiting to snuggle her right here on the bed when she was ready to come back and then just wait. (Yes, I could have also "rescued" her, but sometimes a rescue attempt turns into her throwing herself back down and with my patience already worn thin, I knew I would not respond well to that). So, did I do that? No. Instead I let my impatience win and hoisted her back onto the bed, plunked her down in her spot and roughly said "If you don't make yourself fall, you won't fall!"

Her feelings were hurt and she started crying. Her crying is a high pitched squeal that I have a very hard time listening to. Then she threw the blanket off and said "I'm cold!" and I yelled "You won't be cold if you don't throw the blanket off!" She started crying harder. I plugged my ears and buried my head under the covers and gave myself a quick counseling session a la Non-violent Communication. I thought "When I listen to her cry, I feel frustrated and guilty, because I need to treat her with kindness and compassion." I took a few deep breaths and did a quick meditation on compassion, focusing on empathizing with her. Then I prayed out loud, so I could model it for both girls, "Abba help me to have compassion and to treat Liliana with kindness." I said it a few times and took a few more deep breaths.

Then Ezabella touched my arm and said, "Mom, you could rock her." At first I thanked her for her suggestion, but said no. I didn't want to get up. It took me about 30 seconds to realize Abba had just sent the answer to my prayer through Ezabella. I felt stuck and if I laid there just trying to be compassionate, listening to her crying, I was going to go nuts. This was something I could DO that would be kind, reconnect us, help her feel better and hopefully fall asleep. So I asked Liliana if she wanted me to rock her and she did. She snuggled her face into my neck while I rocked her and all was right with the world again.

It only took a few minutes after that for both girls to fall asleep. When I got up, I realized I was really hungry! No wonder I had been so cranky!

Sunrise Yoga

For over a week I have been getting up early and going for a walk. Not every day, but probably 5 or 6 out of the last 9 days or so. L has been an earlier riser lately (between 6:30 and 7:30), so it started with me getting up early with her. Some days I have gone with just her and a few times E woke up and went with us. On those days we walk slow, look at bugs, pick up rocks, talk a lot and enjoy the sunshine and cool air. On the days that I have gone alone, I walk faster, go further, and pray and meditate.

This morning I woke up a little before 6 and got to go out by myself. I took my yoga mat and after walking for about half an hour, I went to the park and did yoga and meditated for another half an hour. It felt so good!

Now, I am NOT normally an early riser! My usual schedule is to be in bed by 10-12 (with about once a week 1-3) and up by no earlier than 7:30. And even if I'm up by 7:30, I'm not normally alive and functional until 9. Do not ask me to be out of the house before 10.

But I have been really craving being outdoors lately. Our car has been broken down for over 2 months and it has meant that we go outside in our back yard, go for walks and to the nearby park a lot more often. I used to try to get outside once a day, but often would get so busy that I would go a few days only going outside to walk to and from the car or maybe just to do 20 minutes of work outside. I would still try to get the kids outside daily, but sometimes that meant just playing on the porch or going outside with D while I did office work. A few times a week we'd go to the park or on a hike. With the car broken down and being home LOT more, we started playing in the back yard of our apartment complex for hours at a time. Just sitting drives me nuts, which is one reason I love to hike, but since I started crocheting I have been able to do that while the kids play. And of course, with no car, we have been doing lots of walking to run errands!

Now I am craving being outside, craving the sunshine and I know it won't be long before Oregon winter settles in and the sunshine is limited. But even on cloudy days, it just feels so good to be out. I'm not making any plans to keep doing this. Plans always seem to get in the way of listening to my body. In fact, I'm a little afraid I'm going to jinx myself just by posting this. I'm going to keep doing it as long as my body is craving it. Right now, I am actually excited about tomorrow morning!

My Birthday

My birthday was the 5th, and we went to the beach. The weather wasn't nearly as warm as I would have liked, but other than that, the day was perfect. We went to Cannon Beach, and played and ate a picnic lunch. Then we explored the town, and drove down the coast for a few miles. We found a little dirt road that led up a hill to a cliff overlooking the ocean. There was just enough room for our car, and barely enough room to turn around when we left. The girls had fallen asleep by that time, so D explored the hillside. I laid a towel out on the ground and did yoga, meditated and prayed while watching the waves. So relaxing!


L kept laying down in the sand and "swimming."



Playing in the sand.




E running around on the beach. As you can see, E was the only one in a swimsuit. In fact, she was the only person on the entire beach not in a sweatshirt! :) She wore it from home, and we thought that once she got there and got cold, she'd put on some clothes. After about an hour, as we were walking back to the car and it started to rain, she decided to get dressed.



D buried E in the sand.



A rare shot- I'm not behind the camera!







Cannon Beach



Cannon Beach looking the other direction.



On the way home, we saw the sign for Cooterville. This is the Cooterville City Hall. Aparently it's also the antique/junk store.


We got a good laugh out of this!

Yoga and Meditation

I used to do yoga and meditation a lot. That and writing a lot is what kept me sane in high school. It was the only way I could slow down and relax. I've done it off and on for the last few years, and it feels so good when I get back into a routine. Tonight, after the girls fell asleep, I did yoga for about an hour. I started with a dvd I got from the library. It was slow, relaxing yoga to get ready for meditation. After I meditated for a while, I did a harder yoga workout. I feel so loose and limber now, and my mind feel so quiet. It's great!

I know the idea of meditation is scary to some people. They think of opening up your mind to allow anything in. The type of meditation I do isn't like that though. Part of yoga is meditation- I focus on my breath and am aware of each muscle in my body. It's nice to close out the rest of the world for a while and just be aware of how I am moving, which muscles are tense, consciouly relaxing tense spots and moving a little deeper into each pose with each breath.

Then I sit for a while and meditate. Sometimes I focus on just being aware of everything going on around me in that moment. Tonight I listened to my breath, and the sound of the girls breathing as they slept. The muffled sound of D's game coming from the other room. Then wind and traffic outside. I was aware of the changes in light, the smell of the carpet and lingering scent of dinner. I noted the feel of the yoga mat beneath me and that the room was a little cold.

Sometimes I meditate on a thought or Bible verse or prayer. Today felt really hectic and crazed, so with tonight being the start of Shabbot, I wanted to go into it relaxed and centered. I meditated on a prayer for Yeshua to cover me in comfort and peace and that I would spread that to my family.

I'm really going to try to build it back into my daily routine. When I'm doing yoga and meditation every day or at least a few times a week, I find it so much easier to relax "on demand" when I feel myself getting irritated or life getting too hectic. It really helps me be more aware and in the moment with E, too.