Friday, August 10, 2012

Leadership vs. Partnership

There are so many yeses built into our lives now, that I've started using them to justify a lack of partnership with my kids in daily interactions.  Food and sleep and tv and all of those things that seem to be the major hang ups for some people in the journey to radical unschooling, are just foregone conclusions now in the big picture, with only minor details to work out based on day to day factors.  Situations that arise on a regular basis are also yeses built into our lives- yes you can play in the sprinklers, yes you can take a bath, yes you can play with board games.....

It's when new situations arise, and a few do every day, where I just haven't seemed to have the mental and emotional energy to think through working together.  Or when I have THE PLAN, and want to stick to THE PLAN.  I'm busy and I'm tired and I just want to not be inconvenienced and be able to do things my way, dang it!

And therein lies the trouble. 
I'm really lacking unschooling support where I live now.  I only have one friend who would maybe lean unschoolish for academics if there weren't extenuating circumstances making a more structured approach her best option.  Everyone else in the homeschool community who I've met so far, are not unschoolers and certainly not radical unschoolers.  I haven't even breathed the phrase for the last year and a half lest I chase them all away.

On top of that, D is doing wildland firefighting again this summer, and has been gone for over a month.  So I'm solo parenting for now. 

Because of all of this, I've been falling more into my natural tendency to state things directly.

"Today we're going to the store and then the park."
"Get your shoes on, let's go."
"Let's do a little clean up and then we'll watch a movie or read some books and
go to bed."  

I posted that on Always Learning and tried to explain how this was leading to some fuzzy thoughts about leadership and asked for their thoughts.  The idea was bouncing in my head, though never holding still long enough for me to examine, that part of being a parent is just leading and expecting them to follow.  I told myself that I'm always open to discussion or objections if they present them, but that it just made more sense to do it my way as long as they were coming along without too much fuss.  

They said I sounded bossy.  I didn't want to admit it, but it's probably true.  

There was a time when I was using much better phrasing, much more often.  Where I was much more concerned with taking everyone's needs into account.  Not just assuming that I knew their needs and taking them into account when I made my decision, but actually asking them and working with them.  I've been failing at that more often than not recently.

I've justified it with my observation that my kids are generally happy.  In a way, what I've been doing IS working for us.  I think the lack of arbitrary rules and restrictions overall makes for a happier home even when I'm being bossy or self centered about certain things.

However, there is something lacking in a focus on leadership that is present when the focus is on partnership.  It's the connection.  It's seeing them as whole people.  It's them knowing that I understand their perspective and care about their desires.   Even with all the yeses built into the system, focusing on leadership turns me into a manager of the system and turns them into cogs in the wheel.  Focusing on partnership makes it all about the relationships. 

So I'm committing to getting back to focusing on partnership.  I'm calling up all the resources I've used before, but with little homeschooling community and no unschooling community here, and with D gone for possibly a few more months, I'm going to need to find some new inspiration, new tools, and new ideas.

And the journey continues....  


Thursday, August 2, 2012

How Sleep Happens Without Bedtimes

Sometimes when I've said we "don't have bedtimes," people have imagined chaos until midnight or later until exhausted kids eventually crash.  I wanted to explain a bit of what we do at night.  We don't have set bedtimes, where kids are in bed at a certain time of night, no matter what.  We do support them, provide information, and create a sleepy environment.  To me, that is different from saying "8 o'clock is bedtime, lay down and sleep."

We have done different things at different times, depending on the ages of the kids, what shift D was working, the time of year, how much we need alone time, and what was working for their individual personalities at that time.

Most often, we have done a loose routine of dinner, clean up, play until they're looking/acting sleepy, put on a movie, and they fall asleep while watching it.

We have also done routines of dinner, clean up, play, read books/watch movie, then lay down in bed with them until they fall asleep.

If we need to go somewhere in the evening, my kids aren't phased by staying out late.  They will fall asleep at someone else's house or in the car. 

A few things I keep in mind:

1) The important thing is *sleep* not bed, and sleep can happen just about anywhere.

This is how they fell asleep the night I wrote this post.
2) It has to be working for the whole family.
If dad has to get up early for work, his sleep is more important than their noise.
If mom is an introvert and needs that alone time, that's important. It doesn't make sense for tired kids to be cranky while mom needs to be alone. BUT if the kids are actually night owls, then maybe mom needs to find a different time to be alone.  I get my alone time at different times- sometimes when D is home, I sneak away.  Sometimes during the day while they are busy playing.  Sometimes at night after they have gone to bed.  Sometimes in the morning before they wake up.

If a kid is usually ready for sleep at 8, there's nothing wrong with doing a bedtime routine that gets them to sleep in bed by 8. But if they are still jumping around at 8:30, you might want to rethink that. Don't be stuck on 8 just because that's typical for kids that age or what your mom did for you or simply because it's convenient.

3) Provide information.

"We need to get to bed early tonight, because we've got to get up early to go to the museum with grandma."
"Mommy and daddy really need to be alone for a little while tonight."

4) Support them and create a sleepy environment. Turn lights off, sound down, snuggle and stop talking. My 6 year old talks non-stop sometimes, and I have said, "I'm done talking now." When I have kids who are clearly tired, but still jumping around, I've said, "It's time to relax now. We can watch a movie, read books or go to bed, but we need to be still." Then I help that happen by snuggling, rubbing their backs, etc.

5) Sleep patterns change with age, season, and what is happening in our lives.  That's even true for many adults.  If you are the type of person who has had the same routine for 20 years, this might not make sense to you, but try to understand.  Sometimes I go to bed at 10 and get up at 6.  Usually I sleep more like 11 or 12 to 7 or 8.  Sometimes, I'm more of a night owl and sleep from 1 or 2 till 9 or 10.  Kid's sleep needs change as well.  Work *with* them, rather than insisting on the same thing every day. If a routine is working for everyone- great! If it stops working, do something else.

6) It's really important for them to learn to listen to their own body's signals for sleep.  This takes time and patience, but it is really cool when a 4 year old says, "Mom, I'm tired and need to go to bed."  If you've started out attachment parenting and letting your babies sleep when they are tired and wake when they are ready, it's easy to just continue this as they get older.