Responsibility

This evening I walked into the kitchen and the magnitude of the girls' earlier fun with paper really hit me.  I knew they had been cutting up paper hours eariler and I knew they made a mess, but when I really stopped to look at it was shocking. It was EVERYWHERE on the table, the floor and the worst thing is that we have carpet in the kitchen, so there was no sweeping up the million pieces that were just big enough to be too big for the vacuum. *sigh

This morning, I had woken up to a similar mess because they had done the same thing the night before right before bed. I left it last night, because the baby was the one who dumped a lot of it on the floor and it was late and we were all tired. So first thing this morning, I took care of the bulk of it, and then my 4 year old woke up and helped.

So I called both girls into the kitchen and told them that I was frustrated at the big mess again. (I was very calm though, and frustrated just doesn't express the same intensity of emotions for me that it used to.  Yay for growth!). I said that I needed them to stop putting paper, especially little cut up pieces on the floor and that we needed to find a solution. They had no ideas, and said that they did it because they were just having so much fun with so many pieces and that they would forget to pick it up when it dropped. So I suggested that I would put the paper up and they could ask me for one piece at t time from now on, so it didn't get to be too overwhelming. They liked that idea (yay for solutions!).

My 4 year old had hurt her arm not long before that and was still holding it and hurting. I reminded my 6 year old that her sister and I had cleaned up the paper that morning, and I told her it was her turn.

E: I caaaannnnn'ttttt! Not all by myself.

Me: I think you can.  :)

E: NNNOOOOOO!!! You have to help me!

(Keep in mind here, that I frequently help them clean up, but I wasn't tackling that paper again today).

Me: Hhhhhmmm. Which part of that paper would you say is my responsibility?

E: None of it.

Me: Which part would you say is your responsibility?

E: Not all of it, because L made a mess too.

Me: Yes, but she cleaned up your mess this morning without any complaint and she is hurt right now. I'm sure if she can clean it up, you can too. :)

E: I'm just not like her. I'm not responsible.

Me: (Backtracking from comparing her to her sister- woops!) I didn't mean to compare you. It's ok that you are different.  You are different people. What I mean is that I know you are capable of doing it. :)

E: Well, yah, I *can,* but I just don't want to.

Me: So you're saying you *won't.*

E: Right, I won't clean it up by myself.  (Said very firmly)

(I shocked myself here by feeling absolutely..... nothing.  Even when I handle things perfectly well, there is a trigger inside me that says "Don't you tell me no, I'm your mother!" which I promptly self talk myself through. But this time, it just didn't phase me. Yay for growth again!)

Me: I trust that you'll decide to do what needs to be done. :)

And I walked away. I snuggled with L who was watching a movie and E came and sat with us for a few minutes. After a while she said:

E: Really, I'm just not responsible enough to do it. 

Me: I think you're very responsible.

E: No, I don't do anything responsible.
Me: Just this evening you ran and told me when L got hurt. That was responsible.

E: Well, ok ONE thing! But I'm not responsible with paper.
Me: You cleaned up your room last night. You are safe in the street when you go out to play.

E: Well..... yah....  AND I walk the dog! That's responsible!

Me: Yep, and you give her food and water.

E: Yah! And I take her outside and I help my sisters when they need help and I make sure the door is closed so baby Z doesn't get out!

Me: I think you are one of the most responsible 6 year olds I've ever met.

E: I guess I am responsible! What else do I do that's responsible?

Me: Well, when I take a nap with your sisters I can trust that you will take good care of things in the house. I know you won't get into things you aren't supposed to or mess anything up. I know you'll be safe and not open the door

E: Wow! Yah! I'm really responsible!  (She was very excited at this point)

She went on and on listing other things and repeating the things I had said she does.

I went on about doing other things, and after a while she came to me and said:

E: I'm ready to clean up the paper now. I just don't want to be alone.

Me: I need to do the dishes. How about if we both work in the kitchen together and we can talk while we work?

E: Yah!

So I did dishes and she cleaned up the paper.  She asked me to sing the clean up song while we worked, and she wanted me to add verses to it about how she's so responsible.



It worked out well, but I really was ok with however it worked itself out.  Obviously, I wanted it cleaned up and felt that it was her responsibility, but I didn't let my focus stay there.  I didn't know if she would clean it up this evening or ever.  It's a really amazing feeling just being at peace with whatever the outcome of a situation turns out to be.  It feels really good to just trust that when my focus is on relationship, not "shoulds" or "have tos" or my frustrations, things tend to work themselves out when given a little time and patience.  I don't always hit that sweet spot.  Sometimes I get too focused on what on want or how I want it. But I find myself in that place more and more often, and it's a great place to be.


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Some more thoughts a few days later:

I don't think I communicated very well to *her* that I was ok with  however it turned out.  When I went back and reread what I wrote I saw that I said, "I trust that you'll decide to do what needs to be done."  However, at some point, I also remember thinking, "What if she NEVER picks it up?  Will it stay there all day?  All night?  FOREVER?!............... (mentally shrugging shoulders) meh, oh well.  I'm sure it will work out."    I'm not sure at what point that shift in my brain happened, but it's obviously not what I communicated to her.  hhhhhmmmm- something to think about for next time.

Radical Tuesday- Posted UnRules (Solutions!)

I know some families post the "rules of the house" so that everything is known and consistent for the kids.  I have never considered doing this because we don't have 100% set in stone rules in our house.  We have "keep messy food out of the bedrooms because of the potential for ants" and "you can jump on the couch, but don't climb on the back because it's starting to rip" and "PLEASE for the LOVE of ALL that is GOOD- put your towel in the bathroom when you are done with it."  But, those would be awfully long to write out and post on the wall.  And they are flexible!

I have, however, borrowed from this idea of posting rules and I have sometimes posted solutions.  I may have posted (or maybe just thought about it) a while back about the reminder note that I wrote for the girls to bring their apples back into the kitchen.  They wanted to take apples in their bedroom, and we were fighting ants all summer so my first reaction was NO!  Then we talked about it and I told them my concern that the half eaten apples would get left in the bedroom.  They promised not to leave them.  I said we would need to come up with something to help them remember, rather than just relying on their memories.

I ended up writing a note that said "Bring your apples back in the kitchen" and posting it on their bedroom door.
They can't read, of course, but they knew what it said.  They were part of the solution and understood the terrible ant problem (well, this was mostly E, but she helped L) and just seeing the paper on the door helped them remember.

More recently, they have been leaving their towels on the floor in the living room and bedrooms after they dry off after a bath.
 They take *at least* three baths a day just for fun, so I was picking up and reminding them to pick up a lot of towels.  They are both usually pretty happy to put their own towel back when I reminded them, but one day E did NOT want to put it back.  I told her that I was tired of picking up the towels and reminding them to do it, and that it seemed like she was tired of putting her towel away too, so we needed to figure out something that would work better.  She agreed, but didn't have any ideas.  So I said that when I take a shower, I dry off in the bathroom and then put the towel away right away.  So I NEVER have to pick up my towel off the floor!  I suggested putting a note in the bathroom so they would remember to leave their towels in there.  They agreed, I posted a note that says "Leave Towels In The Bathroom" and there has not been a single towel on the floor for well over a week.  To top it off, they are SO EXCITED that they remember to put their towels away and come running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, look!  No towel!"

My husband recently had an idea to make his "honey do" list more appealing.
He is a Type 1 according to It's Just My Nature, which means he is fun loving and random, so this is the kind of thing that makes his life interesting, and makes me and my Type 4ness scratch my head, but hey, whatever works!  The kids have this spinner from some old game that has the numbers 1 through 6.  So he told me to make him a list of the 6 projects I want him to get done this week and number them.   Every day he spins the spinner and does the job associated with the number on which the spinner lands.

The kids thought this was so cool!
So E asked me to make her a list of jobs to do too.  I thought of six things the girls can (and sometimes already did) help with: wash the table and counter, take out the trash, wash the front of the fridge and stove, put away their own laundry, vacuum and make a meal.  E is so excited to spin it every day and do her "job" (sometimes more than one) and L goes along for the ride and helps.        

Radical Tuesday- Taking Note of Generosity and Kindness

Most of the smoothie had already sunk into the carpet.  By the time I found the mess, it was just a wet, dark stain with little strawberry seeds.

"Someone spilled a smoothie," I called into the living room.  "It needs to be cleaned up."  I said it matter of factly- spills happen.
 
"That was me," E said.  "But I don't want to clean it up."

"If it doesn't get cleaned up, ants will find it," I told her.  "I'll get a rag wet."

"I'll clean it up!" L said.  "I don't want ants in our house!"

"Thank you L!" said E.

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I went out by myself and after an hour D called me to come home.  The baby was inconsolable.  When I walked in the door, E was holding Z and Z was happy.  D told me that he had tried everything, but Z just kept crying.  Then he put her down for a minute to do something and E picked her up.   

E said "Mom, Z was crying and crying, so I picked her up.  That's what I do, because I'm a big sister and I help people!  I help my little sisters when they are sad!  And she was happy with me!" 


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Noticing when my kids are generous or kind and really taking note of it, helps me not to worry during those times when they are fighting with each other or not wanting to do something I have really attached myself to doing.  Sometimes people argue.  Sometimes we say things we don't mean or do things we regret- usually because it's all we can think of and the best we can do in the moment.  I've noticed that if I focus on getting something done "the right way," or who "should" be doing it, playing tug-of-war with the resisting child, it just escalates the situation, everyone gets more upset and in the end, no one wins.  If I can remember to breathe, remember all the many times a day when my children are generous and kind, and look at the big picture, my anxiety melts away and I am able to clearly see my children, their needs and the solutions to whatever problem we are having..

What's Working

As part of living a mindful life, I like to assess every now and then what's working and what's not working. I don't want to get stuck in a rut of doing something one way just because it's easy or comfortable if it's not working out well for all the members of my family. I'm delving into this in the more personal areas of my life privately, but here I'll share the unschooling/parenting aspects.

WORKING: Food, tv, no bedtimes, cleaning and all of those major issues that people balk at when learning about radical unschooling. The way I handle these things has become so easy and natural now that I hardly even think about them.
Food:
I still think about nutrition when I shop and cook, but I don't stress about what they are eating. The only thing I am constantly aware of is E's corn allergy, but she is also very aware of it and we work together. I'm in the habit now of checking labels for corn, and other than the occasional slip up I just don't buy it. She has asked that if her daddy buys something with corn for himself that he will hide it so she's not tempted. Sometimes if she shops with me or if we are at someone else's house she will make the choice to eat corn and deal with how her body feels. I do encourage her not to and try to find other alternatives, but it's her body so the choice is ultimately hers. Besides her corn allergy, I just have an awareness in the back of my mind of what they have been eating and that triggers an occasional suggestion ("You've had a lot of cheese today, how about something with some fiber now so you don't get constipated.") but there's no stress or control associated with it.

Tv:
It's just a non-issue. When we lived in Oregon, I was very aware of making lots of other options readily available, so that they were watching tv if they really wanted to, but not just out of boredom. Now we can't afford cable, but we get movies from the library ever week, occasionally get redbox movies and they can watch things online. And they do, but here we have a yard for the first time and L is at an age now where they can really play well together. So they play together, often outside, most of the day if we are home. Then we put a movie on in the evenings before bed. Movies still spark lots of good conversations and interests.

No bedtimes:
We have an easy going routine that I lead and they follow of dinner, clean up time, brushing teeth and then a movie or books. They don't always fall asleep in the same place (couch or recliner or my bed or theirs) or in the same way (in front of a movie, after reading books I sing, or we all just lay down) or at the same time (I shoot for somewhere between 8 and 10 depending on whether or not D is home for me to spend time with him, how tired I am, how badly I want to be alone, whether or not L got a nap, how tired they are acting), but it works. Falling asleep is almost always a happy, relaxed time.

Cleaning:
This is another I lead and they follow thing. I set the example and get the ball rolling and they pitch in. We do a clean up time every evening and they do their part 9 out of 10 times. Well, I should say, E does. L doesn't quite as often, but she is more likely to help me during the day with laundry or cleaning the bathroom. E often cleans their room by herself with only verbal guidance from me. The last couple of days she has started washing dishes completely out of the blue.

Academic Learning:
I'm putting this is the working category, because they are learning a lot. E's birthday misses the cut off for compulsory school age by one day, so we do not have to be official until next year, which makes her technically a kindergartener. I don't use the arbitrary school standards as the benchmark for whether or not my kids are learning, but by next year, for legal purposes, I will have to be aware of them. If I were sending E to school, she would fit right in academically with first graders this year. However, I have been struggling with finding inspiration for things to do since we moved here. This town is simply not the bustling center of culture, art, music, and homeschooling activity that Portland is. And that leads into NOT WORKING:

Take a Deep Breath and Wait

When I was cleaning this morning, the girls were not at all interested in helping me. I was feeling overwhelmed at waking up to a big mess since I got busy last night and didn't clean up, but I made a conscious effort to own my own feelings. *I* wanted it cleaned, *I* thought it should be done right then and I wanted them to help! But they were busy with things that were just as important to them as cleaning was to me. I did tell them, "I'm feeling frustrated that I am cleaning up all this mess by myself and I would appreciate if you would help," but they didn't. So I sucked it up and cleaned the house because I wanted it clean and I knew I would feel better when it was done, and they did put a few toys away at the end. Then we went about the rest of our day and I hardly thought anything more of it. This evening it was time for me to do my normal evening clean up time. The girls jumped right in, as they often do, and cleaned up their room and took turns vacuuming it with only minimal help from me. And L helped me bring clothes in from the line and hang more clothes out to dry.

It was a good reminder that one moment, one incident, one day is just never worth making a big deal about- things change so quickly. FEAR almost got the best of me this morning- fear that them saying no to cleaning was going to become a new habit, fear that my house would be a disaster forever, fear that I had just been talking about my kids being awesome helpers the other day and now they were making me out to be a liar! But I didn't let it get me! It's hard sometimes to own your own feelings about things when you know you can use your size and power to force little people to comply. It's hard enough to accept a polite no from an adult, but from a kid.... it sets all those ingrained messages what "has to" be done and who should be doing it into overdrive.

It was a good reminder to just take a deep breath and wait.




A few months ago, I took a deep breath and have been waiting ever since for another situation to resolve itself. The outcome today was interesting:

Earlier today I was emailing with a friend about getting rid of kids' broken or never played with toys. I wrote to her "In principle- it is their belongings and it's not right for me to throw away or give away someone else's stuff. In reality, it's my job to keep the house reasonably sanitary, I need to keep my own sanity, it's a small house and they have a lot of crap that they don't even play with. Whenever I clean their room, I throw away broken things and so far they haven't missed any of it. I have talked to them about donating some things, but suddenly everything becomes "special." I have done the toy rotation thing and I'm actually about to do that again. Take half the toys and put them away in the shed until they get bored with the ones they have and then swap them out. I do like them having access to a lot of things though because they play so creatively, but sometimes it's just too much."

I really struggle with this one, because I really believe that their things should be respected and it's not my right to throw them out or get rid of them, but for crying out loud, how many broken dollar store toys does one kid need?! The last time I suggested to E that we give some things away, she put a few things in a box and then cried and took them back out. I didn't push it and haven't mentioned it since. That made the timing really interesting today, after I had just been emailing with my friend about this, out of the blue E brought me two toys and said she wanted to give them to her friend and her cousin. Ok, great! Then I suggested that she could get rid of a few more things that she never plays with and she did!

I gave her a plastic bag and didn't say another word. She sat quietly in her room for a few minutes looking at her toys while I put away laundry. Then she said she needed to be alone because she was sad and she left the room. When she came back, she picked out about 10 toys to give away, gave me the bag and sat on the recliner and cried for a minute. I said "that's very generous," and left it at that. I thought it was so cool that she did something that was difficult and sad for her without being guilted or bribed or forced into it. She was able to make her own choice, own her decision, work through her emotions about that choice, and move on. She hasn't mentioned it again at all tonight.

If it was up to me, a lot more toys would go away, but it's not my stuff. I am going to do the toy rotation, if the kids are willing, to help keep it more manageable. But I will wait until they are ready to actually get rid of things. It won't be this way forever. They won't want these same things when they are 8 or 12 or 15. So I'll just take a deep breath and wait.

Cleaning House

After dinner I looked around at my messy house. I could have thought "WHAT A PIG STY! I should have cleaned all morning, so I could spend the afternoon making a nice meal." The thought crossed my mind, but I quickly banished it. I did end up cleaning up the living room, while the girls played with the piano and listened to music. I picked up the balls that E and I had played catch with, and the clothes that she had worn to the garden today. I picked up books L had pulled off the shelf to look at and the stuffed animals they had played with together. I hung up the towel E had used after taking a bath complete with her swimsuit and floaty tube. I threw away a receipt from shopping for (mostly) nutritious food. The mess wasn't so bad when I looked at it as reminders of a fun day.

I never did get the dishes done. I quit cleaning because E wanted me to dance with her. Then we drew some pictures together and painted a balloon. After painting the ballon, E noticed that it wasn't flying up all the way to the ceiling anymore and she thought it was losing helium. I suggested that maybe it was too heavy because of the paint on it. She wanted to test that theory, so I got her a wet paper towel and she washed the paint off. Sure enough, the balloon was able to go all the way to the ceiling once it was clean.

So, do I regret not doing the dishes? Not at all.