I've written a few things about sleep over the years, but as I'm looking through the archives, I seem to have written mostly about what we do instead of bedtimes and not much on co-sleeping.
We have always coslept with the kids. From the day E was born, her bassinet became a clothes basket and she slept on my chest. When she was two and I was pregnant with L, we wanted to prepare her for the baby's birth by getting her out of our bed before L was born. So we started doing a routine before bed, and I would lay down with her in her bed and nurse her to sleep. Sometimes this took an hour! Then I'd sneak away and she'd wake up not long after. It became a source of frustration for all of us, and we decided that she was clearly telling us that she was not ready to be in her own bed. So she came back to our bed, and when L was born we slept with both of them.
After a while, we put both beds in our room. We had a king and a twin pushed up against each other, so we all had enough room. Then Z was born. Right after Z was born, we moved and got new beds. We have had a double and a bunk bed pushed together for the last few years.
Technically, the top bunk has been E's and the bottom bunk has been L's. In reality, we've had all combinations of sleeping arrangements depending on the night. D has often taken the couch, both because he finds it more comfortable than our bed, because he likes falling asleep to the noise of the tv, and because the kids want to sleep with me. Four people in a double bed is not comfortable though, so I often move one or two of them to the bottom bunk after they fall asleep. Or one of them falls asleep with D on the couch. Or I move to the couch with D after they are asleep. Or D and I sleep on the bottom bunk until Z wakes up wanting to nurse. In other words, we get creative!
Then for the last few months, E has started wanting to sleep in her own bed. I can't say exactly when this happened, but somewhere around 7.5 years old. Yes, that's right, she bedshared that long. Shocking in western cultures, but completely normal in many, if not most, parts of the world, for most of history. All of a sudden, she was just ready to have her own space. She would still fall asleep with me sometimes, but instead of moving her to the bottom bunk, I was able to start just nudging her awake and telling her to climb up into her own bed.
We are waiting on the possibility of being able to move into a new house. This will give us more bedrooms and allow E and L to have their own rooms. E has been really excited about this and wanting to prepare herself for sleeping in her own room. So she started sleeping in their room (which is used as a play room) on their couch. She told us she was ready to have her own bed in there. After a few successful nights, we agreed to move it and we did that today.
She's so excited! I tucked her in tonight with her night light and some books. L laid with her for a while, but then came back to bed with me. It remains to be seen if this is truly a permanent move for E, but I'm pretty sure it is. She's getting older and needs her own space.
So if you're cosleeping and getting flack from people about it, just tell them that you're 100% sure the kid won't be sleeping with you by the time they go off to college. If you're feeling cheeky. Otherwise, tell them to mind their own damn business. Parenting doesn't stop at 8pm. Kids still need us at night and sometimes all they need is to be able to reach their hand out and know that we are there. That doesn't last forever. They grow and change and THEY recognize their own needs for space without being pushed into it.
Oh and the big question that seems to concern amusing numbers of people..... "Where do you have sex if the kids are in your bed?" Seriously? If you can't imagine other places in the house to have sex, you really need to spice up your sex life. If it's a surface you can sit on or lay on, you can have sex on it. It's not complicated, people.
Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Late Nights
E and L could have stayed up all night tonight. They choose to go to bed at 9:30.
We have never had set bedtimes in our home. When they are babies, they usually nurse to sleep. Z still does at nearly 3. Sometimes in bed, but often on the couch while I watch tv or read or use the computer. As they have gotten older, we've done a variety of things to encourage sleep.
We've had routines of taking a bath, reading a book and laying down in bed together.
We've let them each pick a tv show, they watch it, and then we lay in bed together.
We've all camped on the living room floor with a movie and slept there for the night.
They've fallen asleep in the living room many times, and we've carried them to bed.
Sometimes we watch a show on the computer in bed, and they fall asleep.
Recently, we've had audio books on the computer in bed.
We've sang them to sleep, rocked them to sleep, scratched and massaged their backs, rubbed their heads or feet, played a relaxing game, and gone on late night drives.
We play all kinds of musical beds with our bed, their bunk bed and the couch. You never know who's going to be sleeping in which one, with whom, and for how much of the night.
It might sound chaotic, but it works. It accomplishes the things I believe to be the most important things about sleep.
1) that everyone sleeps as much as their body needs when it needs it.
2) that no one else is kept awake by someone else's lack of sleep late at night.
3) that they kids learn to associate sleep with good and peaceful things.
4) that they learn to recognize their own body's signals that it is tired.
Even though we've never had a set bedtime, we start heading in that direction at a reasonable time. Reasonable being defined as a time when they are tired, depending on if someone had a nap, depending on what is going on the next day, how much in need of alone time we are, etc. Heading in that direction being defined as lights off, sound down, snuggling in bed or on the couch, and otherwise creating a sleepy environment. Usually, they are asleep between 8 and 10.There have been plenty of times where one of the kids has told us they were ready for sleep.
Recently, E and L have started wanting to stay up "all night until the sun comes up." They stayed up until midnight or one for about 3 nights, and then D and I said we really needed some alone time. So we agreed that they could stay up as late as they wanted every Friday night. That worked until last Saturday, when E started getting really upset that she couldn't stay up late that night too. I admit I did not handle it so well the first few nights. I thought our Friday night deal was THE deal and I value the time I get alone with D. She did go to sleep, but it was not peacefully.
It was Sunday or Monday when she was having a tough time getting to sleep again, and I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my principles and told her we could figure out a solution. I had no idea what! All I could think of was that she would stay up late every night, and D and I would NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN. But I knew that kind of fearful thinking never leads to peace or working together, and we had to think of something.
So I asked her why staying up late was so important to her. She said that she never gets any time alone. I said she could go in her room or my room and be alone any time. She said it's not QUIET. She liked the peace and quiet and stillness of being up when everyone else was asleep.
What we came up with was a bit complicated, but she was thrilled. We decided to trade off every other night. One night she would go to bed like normal. The next night, she could stay up and have the living room all to herself for half an hour, while D and I hung out in the bedroom, quietly. And on Fridays, they could both still stay up as late as they wanted. To make this happen though, we all needed L and Z to be asleep. So we agreed that she wouldn't mention it to them, and would pretend to go to bed like normal on her staying up night. Then once they fell asleep, she could get up.
So we did that for a few nights, and it worked great! She loved it, and happily came to bed after her half hour and happily went to bed on the nights that D and I stayed up. Tonight is Friday, so E and L were excited to stay up. They asked me to play some video games with them, which I did. Then I said I was going to hang out in the bedroom. They wanted to come, first just to snuggle. But on the way down the hall, L said she knew she needed to go to the bathroom before bed. She wasn't planning on staying up. As soon as E laid down, she said said she was ready for bed, because she had "stayed up as late as [she] wanted."
That was at 9:30.
It's so true that when they get their needs met, whether it's a need for trying out something new, experimenting with how something makes them feel, or just for peace and quiet, they figure out what works for them, and it all balances out.
We have never had set bedtimes in our home. When they are babies, they usually nurse to sleep. Z still does at nearly 3. Sometimes in bed, but often on the couch while I watch tv or read or use the computer. As they have gotten older, we've done a variety of things to encourage sleep.
We've had routines of taking a bath, reading a book and laying down in bed together.
We've let them each pick a tv show, they watch it, and then we lay in bed together.
We've all camped on the living room floor with a movie and slept there for the night.
They've fallen asleep in the living room many times, and we've carried them to bed.
Sometimes we watch a show on the computer in bed, and they fall asleep.
Recently, we've had audio books on the computer in bed.
We've sang them to sleep, rocked them to sleep, scratched and massaged their backs, rubbed their heads or feet, played a relaxing game, and gone on late night drives.
We play all kinds of musical beds with our bed, their bunk bed and the couch. You never know who's going to be sleeping in which one, with whom, and for how much of the night.
It might sound chaotic, but it works. It accomplishes the things I believe to be the most important things about sleep.
1) that everyone sleeps as much as their body needs when it needs it.
2) that no one else is kept awake by someone else's lack of sleep late at night.
3) that they kids learn to associate sleep with good and peaceful things.
4) that they learn to recognize their own body's signals that it is tired.
Even though we've never had a set bedtime, we start heading in that direction at a reasonable time. Reasonable being defined as a time when they are tired, depending on if someone had a nap, depending on what is going on the next day, how much in need of alone time we are, etc. Heading in that direction being defined as lights off, sound down, snuggling in bed or on the couch, and otherwise creating a sleepy environment. Usually, they are asleep between 8 and 10.There have been plenty of times where one of the kids has told us they were ready for sleep.
Recently, E and L have started wanting to stay up "all night until the sun comes up." They stayed up until midnight or one for about 3 nights, and then D and I said we really needed some alone time. So we agreed that they could stay up as late as they wanted every Friday night. That worked until last Saturday, when E started getting really upset that she couldn't stay up late that night too. I admit I did not handle it so well the first few nights. I thought our Friday night deal was THE deal and I value the time I get alone with D. She did go to sleep, but it was not peacefully.
It was Sunday or Monday when she was having a tough time getting to sleep again, and I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my principles and told her we could figure out a solution. I had no idea what! All I could think of was that she would stay up late every night, and D and I would NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN. But I knew that kind of fearful thinking never leads to peace or working together, and we had to think of something.
So I asked her why staying up late was so important to her. She said that she never gets any time alone. I said she could go in her room or my room and be alone any time. She said it's not QUIET. She liked the peace and quiet and stillness of being up when everyone else was asleep.
What we came up with was a bit complicated, but she was thrilled. We decided to trade off every other night. One night she would go to bed like normal. The next night, she could stay up and have the living room all to herself for half an hour, while D and I hung out in the bedroom, quietly. And on Fridays, they could both still stay up as late as they wanted. To make this happen though, we all needed L and Z to be asleep. So we agreed that she wouldn't mention it to them, and would pretend to go to bed like normal on her staying up night. Then once they fell asleep, she could get up.
So we did that for a few nights, and it worked great! She loved it, and happily came to bed after her half hour and happily went to bed on the nights that D and I stayed up. Tonight is Friday, so E and L were excited to stay up. They asked me to play some video games with them, which I did. Then I said I was going to hang out in the bedroom. They wanted to come, first just to snuggle. But on the way down the hall, L said she knew she needed to go to the bathroom before bed. She wasn't planning on staying up. As soon as E laid down, she said said she was ready for bed, because she had "stayed up as late as [she] wanted."
That was at 9:30.
It's so true that when they get their needs met, whether it's a need for trying out something new, experimenting with how something makes them feel, or just for peace and quiet, they figure out what works for them, and it all balances out.
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