Co-sleeping: What If They Sleep With You FOREVER?!

I've written a few things about sleep over the years, but as I'm looking through the archives, I seem to have written mostly about what we do instead of bedtimes and not much on co-sleeping. 

We have always coslept with the kids.  From the day E was born, her bassinet became a clothes basket and she slept on my chest.  When she was two and I was pregnant with L, we wanted to prepare her for the baby's birth by getting her out of our bed before L was born.  So we started doing a routine before bed, and I would lay down with her in her bed and nurse her to sleep.  Sometimes this took an hour!  Then I'd sneak away and she'd wake up not long after.  It became a source of frustration for all of us, and we decided that she was clearly telling us that she was not ready to be in her own bed.  So she came back to our bed, and when L was born we slept with both of them. 

After a while, we put both beds in our room.  We had a king and a twin pushed up against each other, so we all had enough room.  Then Z was born.  Right after Z was born, we moved and got new beds.  We have had a double and a bunk bed pushed together for the last few years. 

Technically, the top bunk has been E's and the bottom bunk has been L's.  In reality, we've had all combinations of sleeping arrangements depending on the night.  D has often taken the couch, both because he finds it more comfortable than our bed, because he likes falling asleep to the noise of the tv, and because the kids want to sleep with me.  Four people in a double bed is not comfortable though, so I often move one or two of them to the bottom bunk after they fall asleep.   Or one of them falls asleep with D on the couch.  Or I move to the couch with D after they are asleep.  Or D and I sleep on the bottom bunk until Z wakes up wanting to nurse.  In other words, we get creative!

Then for the last few months, E has started wanting to sleep in her own bed.  I can't say exactly when this happened, but somewhere around 7.5 years old.  Yes, that's right, she bedshared that long. Shocking in western cultures, but completely normal in many, if not most, parts of the world, for most of history.  All of a sudden, she was just ready to have her own space.  She would still fall asleep with me sometimes, but instead of moving her to the bottom bunk, I was able to start just nudging her awake and telling her to climb up into her own bed. 

We are waiting on the possibility of being able to move into a new house.  This will give us more bedrooms and allow E and L to have their own rooms.  E has been really excited about this and wanting to prepare herself for sleeping in her own room.  So she started sleeping in their room (which is used as a play room) on their couch.  She told us she was ready to have her own bed in there.  After a few successful nights, we agreed to move it and we did that today. 

She's so excited!  I tucked her in tonight with her night light and some books.  L laid with her for a while, but then came back to bed with me.  It remains to be seen if this is truly a permanent move for E, but I'm pretty sure it is.  She's getting older and needs her own space. 

So if you're cosleeping and getting flack from people about it, just tell them that you're 100% sure the kid won't be sleeping with you by the time they go off to college.  If you're feeling cheeky.  Otherwise, tell them to mind their own damn business.  Parenting doesn't stop at 8pm.  Kids still need us at night and sometimes all they need is to be able to reach their hand out and know that we are there.  That doesn't last forever.  They grow and change and THEY recognize their own needs for space without being pushed into it. 

Oh and the big question that seems to concern amusing numbers of people..... "Where do you have sex if the kids are in your bed?"  Seriously?  If you can't imagine other places in the house to have sex, you really need to spice up your sex life.  If it's a surface you can sit on or lay on, you can have sex on it.  It's not complicated, people. 

Inspiration Sunday- Enjoying Each Age

In the last 24 hours I have said to D:

"I want a one year old in the house forever!"

"Three is the best age!  She is hilarious!"

"I was told six was a really hard age, but I'm seeing lots of maturity and so far it has not been hard at all."

Yes, I'm really enjoying my kids right now.

One year olds are just adorable.  I think it's God's little conspiracy to make sure they get loved on even when we are frazzled and tired.  Z screams, poops a lot, runs away during diaper changes, throws food on the floor, eats paper, climbs on the table, eats things out of the trash, and is 18 pounds of destruction and chaos.  But she makes this squishy face that cracks me up even though she won't let me get it on camera, she toddles around taking herself quite seriously, she kisses and hugs us all, she makes little squeaking sounds when she nurses, and she puts her head on the floor like she's going to do a somersault, but ends up walking around with her head scootching across the carpet.  And people who get mad about babies wiggling during diaper changes have no idea what they are missing.  I take her pants off, she runs away.  She laughs and comes back.  I take her diaper off, she runs away again, naked little butt mooning the world.  She laughs and comes back and I raspberry her tummy.  I put the new diaper on and she runs away again.  Act of utter defiance or fun bonding time?  You are the parent, you get to decide how you respond.

Three year olds are God's gift to the humorously challenged.  I can't stand potty humor in most cases- give me some good sarcastic wit.  But L talking about farting can leave me in stitches.  For example, my recent facebook status:

L just came into the room laughing and said "I farted!"  I said, "That's fascinating, my dear."  She answered, "Yah!  It's not stinky, it's funny!  Now I need hot chocolate because inside my body is cold."  Apparently, farting cools off the insides.
 
Today, she looked at me with the most serious expression, furrowed her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side.  "What are you doing?" she asked.  It was if the answer would help her unlock the mystery of my parental super powers, the unsolvable riddle of "How did you know THAT [E and I got chocolate, but you couldn't see us]?"

Six year olds are God's gift to parents of younger children.  Parenting three is actually easier in some ways than parenting one was.  E plays with L all day, helps keep Z off the table and out of the cupboards, brings me diapers, and makes sure the tub gets drained after baths.  She is trustworthy and responsible for her age. She loves being the big kid who gets to stay up after her sisters fall asleep to eat ice cream with mom and dad, and gets to go outside to play with the neighborhood kids by herself.  She is getting more and more interesting to talk to, though we've always had great conversations, but they are just getting better as she gets older.  I need to remember to do less talking and more listening, because I want to soak up her perspective before it gets tainted by all the realities of the world.  

What ages are your kids and what are you enjoying about them right now?

   



 

What's Not Working

Social Activities: We have met a few other homeschoolers, but getting together has been hard. Most are in charter school, so they have their own charter school activities. Several live out of town and we don't have a car right now. Our main place for meeting people has been the library preschool story time, so most of those kids are between 18 months and 4 years old.. E is one of the oldest ones there and L is happy to be in the vicinity of people whether she actually interacts with anyone or not. We've made a few friends, several prospective friends and the girls get to socialize at the library, with neighborhood kids, at dance class and as we are out and about running errands. It's not so much a lack of socializing, as a lack of community.

My Tendency to be Verbose:
Sandra Dodd recently made a comment on Always Learning about excessive "cutie-poo mom noise." That cracked me up! She was referring to the constant barrage of high pitched, baby talking questions, suggestions, and exhortations made by well meaning, but insecure moms to their annoyed kids who just want them to shut up. I don't fall into that category exactly, but every time she talks about it I'm reminded of my own tendency towards not high pitched and not cutie-poo, but obnoxious and sometimes constant barrage of noise. I want to be understood and make sure I'm understanding and have apologies and clarifications and explanations all around with a plan laid out for how to handle future similar situations. I'd probably make a great mediator between warring countries or nasty divorces, but it's just not necessary when my 5 year old and 3 year old have a spat over a toy. Their eyes glaze over and they just want to give me the right answer so I'll STOP TALKING. And the last thing I want is for my kids to feel like they have to give me the "right answer," for them to feel like they can't communicate honestly with me, so naturally, I tell them that and continue talking rather than just SHUTTING UP.

Making Rules:
Yes, I've been making rules lately and I'm not liking it. When E was about 2-4 years old I focused a lot on trying to provide information rather than telling her what to do. I tried to focus on principles rather than rules. I got pretty good at it. But as L has gotten older and Z was born and we moved and have had a lot of changes and stressors, I've resorted more to rules. I'm a little torn on the issue. On the one hand, I don't have rules about so many things (food, tv, bedtimes, cleaning) and I do take into consideration what the kids want to do and try to find ways for everyone's needs and wants to be met. So part of me just doesn't feel one bit bad about saying things like "No water on the floor, I don't want to deal with the mess," when a year ago I would have allowed it. For the most part, the few rules I have are based on principles like safety and respect (like no using the shower curtain as a spiderman web and swinging from it). Also, for the most part, the kids don't balk at the rules too much, so I think "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." I've also starting just telling them what to do more than I used to and I've told them if they don't like what I'm telling them they can ask me to work with them to find a solution and I will, otherwise just do it. On the other hand, I know I'm resorting to these things because they are easier, require less of my mental and emotional energy, and because I can just be "mom" without being their partner. The firm and kind mom isn't a bad thing. It's "good parenting" and it's a million times better than hitting and yelling. But I want something more in my relationship with my kids. I want to be their partner and confidant and mentor and I see the way I'm acting is moving me further away from that, not closer. Not that I'm giving up firm and kind, just that I need to put more emphasis on providing information and "working with," not "doing to." .

My Expectations of L:
In some ways it's so obvious that L is still just a baby when compared to E, but I still tend to think that she is capable of doing everything E is. I have to remember that she does not have the same impulse control, maturity, forethought or skills as E, because she is 2.5 years younger!