Play Revisited

I've been thinking about play lately - what it is, how important it is for kids to do, and mostly whether or not it's important for adults to do with them.  My thinking on the subject was feeling muddy and undefined and I never like that feeling.

I have had several different stances on what I believe about whether or not I should be my child's playmate.  My thoughts have ranged from The Continuum Concept beliefs (that parents should not play with children, but should always be invite them into the adult world) to the Playful Parenting beliefs (that children use play to navigate their emotions and lack of power in the world and that parents should be part of that process).

In a recent message board conversation, I expressed that I believe in a Continuum Concept model with a grain of salt.  In other words, I believed that children are hardwired to want to come into the adult world and learn what we do.  That play is very important for them, but their interactions with us should be of them moving into the adult world, not us moving into their world of play.  But I say "with a grain of salt" because I remember when I only had one child and was pulling heavily from the Continuum Concept beliefs.  In some ways it seemed just the way it should be, but we lacked the strong and constantly available community that the tribe in the book had.  My child needed a playmate and I (or my husband) was often the only person available.

As the conversation progressed, the other moms expressed their beliefs about play and started defining just what play is.

Some believed that it is very important for parents to play with their children and had fond memories of their parents playing with them.

Some believed that play is a child's work and they loved interacting with their children in other ways, but not through play.

Some would say "I don't play pretend or play with barbies- I hate it.  But I will play basketball or soccer with them."

Others would say, "See basketball and soccer is exactly the kind of play I can't stand.  But I will do board games and crafts."

I think everyone agreed that getting on the floor and playing blocks or pretend or dolls with a young child is play, but there was no real consensus about things like sports, board games, arts and crafts, reading children's books or having a conversation about an imaginary scenario while folding laundry.  

Some of the moms who initially said "I don't play," later conceded that they do, actually, do things like the above that are considered play by some people.  I was one of them.

I have been focusing on unschooling for so long, that I haven't really thought much about play or if I "should" be playing with my kids or what that entails exactly.  My focus has been on exploring the world with them and connecting with them, regardless of whether that looks like play or adult activities.

I went searching for my old blog posts on the subject and I found this post titled Playful Parenting vs. Playing By Heart, where I compare and contrast the two books by those names.  It was kind of weird reading my own post and thinking, "Huh, yah, I guess I was clear in my thoughts about it at one point, but I forgot!" 

That post is a bit more focused on competitive vs. cooperative play than where my mind is focused now, but this still resonates with me:

A lot of the book (Playing by Heart: The Vision and Practice of Belonging) was about how original play connects people and builds relationships rather than tearing them down. It's not something we do in our free time, it's something that is a part of the way we can live. It brought me back to all the reading I've been doing on mindful living and meditation. Original play is another aspect to staying in the moment, present and aware. It's living life right now and seeing all the joy and the beauty right in front of us. Experiencing that joy and playing with that moment and the people in it, is original play.   

This is unschooling!  Just as real life is not divided into the subjects of math, science, and history, it doesn't have to be divided into work and play.  It doesn't matter if arts and crafts are considered play or part of moving the child into the adult world!  Are they connecting you and your child?  Is your child having fun?  Are you doing them as a part of a rich environment, in which you are following her interests and expanding her world?  If the answer to those is yes, than she is learning.  If she is learning than she is that much closer to functioning in the adult world.  

That doesn't mean you have to LIKE every form of play either!  It's ok to say "Pretending I'm my child's puppy dog makes me want to rip my eyeballs out."  Don't think you have to do it to be a "good mom."  But find a way to facilitate the things that are important to your child.  That might mean playing those games you hate for a while, especially while your child is young, especially if they are an only or first child.  Focus on the connection between you and consider that your reaction might be fear of connection itself.  Or find your child a playmate (even another adult!) who likes that form of play.  Or connect with your child so much in ways you both enjoy that they are genuinely ok with you saying that you don't want to play that particular game. 

I no longer care whether I'm "one of those moms who gets on the floor and plays" or "one of those moms who never plays, but connects in other ways."  I connect with my kids in ways we both enjoy.  I stretch myself to do things that I don't particularly enjoy in the name of connection or their learning.  I'm not afraid to say that games like Chutes and Ladders make me want to run screaming from the room.  I'm glad that I pushed myself to do it some with my oldest, to get past my fear of connection.  I facilitate the play I don't prefer in other ways.

Above all, I will live life focused on relationships and learning, and not divide it into work and play.    



 

Review of Zoodles

My girls have been playing on Zoodles and they really like it.  Here's my review of it.

 It pulls games from a wide variety of sites, so I don't have to search for games.  It finds them!

Each kid gets their own account and it customizes the games according to her age.

It opens up in a window that takes up the whole screen, so that is the only thing the kids can click on.  This is great, because they can't accidentally go to any other websites or mess up any settings.

Along those same lines, once they choose a game, even though it's on an external website, they can only play THAT game.  If they want another game they go back to zoodles and pick from the list of games.

Some things that I find to be useless (and maybe even harmful for a parent trying to deschool) is the emphasis on dividing the games into subjects.  It creates reports for the parents showing what skills or subjects the child has been learning according to the games they are playing.  The parent also has the option to promote certain subjects, so if you think your child isn't playing enough math games, you can make those the only games they see.  This is the part they charge for, however.  The membership also includes more games and stories, which might make it worth it if my kids get bored of the games and stories available on the free version.  

All in all, it's a great site that I wanted to pass on!  But if you are new to unschooling, and really excited about the educational controls on it, please read here and let your child play the games she wants just for fun. 

Comments are Open

A friend pointed out to me this evening that she can't comment on my blog because she doesn't have a google account.  I'm wondering how many other people have had that problem!  So I changed the settings so that anyone can comment, even if you don't have a google account or one of the other accounts that blogger approves.  I'm still moderating the comments though, and I won't post anonymous comments.  Please be willing to stand by your words enough to at least state your name or internet AKA. :)

I would love to see more comments!  For the number of page views I get each month, I'm always surprised that no one comments.  I've wondered what on earth some other bloggers are doing to generate so much discussion!  So maybe it was just a technical issue.  Let me know!  I'd love to hear from you!

Communicating with My Three Year Old

Some of the things L says and especially how she says them, really grate on me.  It's not her fault though- she is communicating the only way a three year old knows how.  I need to work on my issues (again!) so I'm not so irritated with her.  She's so sweet, and when I snap at her it breaks her little heart.

When she says, "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of being too slow or intentionally putting her off, and I need her to know that I do want to spend time with her.  

When she says "You FORGOT....." I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of forgetting something that I am actually working towards and I need her to understand that I am in the process of getting to her request.

When she asks me the same thing five times in rapid succession, I feel irritated because I perceive that she is accusing me of not listening or not paying attention and I need her to know that I do want to respond, but I need a moment to think.

Writing that made a few things clear to me:

-My subconscious, underlying perceptions of the intentions and unspoken implications of a three year old need a serious reality check.

-She is probably feeling frustrated and sad, because she perceives that I am forgetting her, ignoring her, or not listening to her.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true.  She is the quiet middle child, and it's far too easy to pass over her when things are hectic or when I am lost in my own thoughts.  

Everything I need her to know- that I want to spend time with her, that I am getting to her request, that I want to respond, but need a moment to think- she needs to know too!

So I need to work on better communication with her:

When she is waiting for me to do something, I need to tell her specifically when I will be able to do it and then follow through.  If anything changes during that time, I need to tell her clearly.  "I will play Monopoly with you.  First I'm going to clean off the table, then I'm going to get the dog her food, then we will play."  And when that changes, "Oh, I just realized the baby needs a diaper change.  I'm still going to play with you, but first I need to change the baby's diaper."

When she asks me something, I need to answer her right away.  If I need a minute to think, I need to say so. 


Someone out there is thinking, "What about her behavior!  You're just going to let your child be rude and snotty and not do anything about it?!"

Well, I can tell you that what I have been resorting to has been both ineffective and damaging. 

This morning when she said "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," complete with the raised eyebrows and hands on her hips, I said, "Stop being rude!  You can say 'Mom, I'm frustrated that you aren't playing with me yet' or...." and I didn't finish my sentence, because it was lame. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving a kid a script of a more polite, more effective or more thoughtful way of expressing themselves.  But it has to be in the context of partnering with them to be the effective communicators they want to be.  I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth, that all I was doing was being rude and critical myself.  I could see on her face that as soon as I snapped at her about being rude, she was hurt and embarrassed and she shut down.

To some people, it would look like "it worked."  Her attitude disappeared immediately and she looked contrite.  If I would have finished my script, she would have repeated it after me, and it would have looked like I had succeeded in correcting the behavior. 

Correcting the behavior is not my goal, however.  I want to know WHY she is acting that way.  The truth is that you cannot change someone else, only yourself, so I'm starting with me.  What I can do for her is figure out some things about her personality, and help her to grow into them in a healthy way.

I think that her Love Language is Acts of Service, which means that she best receives expressions of love when people do things for her.  It might also be Words of Affirmation, which would mean that she feels especially loved when people say kind, uplifting and positive things to her and she is especially sensitive to critical or negative words.

I think her Energy Type is either a Type 2 or a Type 4, which are both introverted energies.  If she is a Type 2, she is especially sensitive and has a strong desire to please.  So when she gets frustrated, she might be trying to mimic the bold or blunt expression that myself or her Type 3 sister would use or just trying out the power of her words as a typical three year old developmental stage.  Because of her sensitivity and need to keep the peace, she immediately recoils at any hint of rebuke.  If she is a Type 4, she has the tendency to be bold and direct, and she immediately sees the flaws and imperfections in a situation and has a strong desire to perfect them.  Because she is only three, she doesn't know how to express these direct thoughts in a tactful way.   

These are things I'll be watching and helping her grow into as she gets older.   

 


The scripts "When_____I feel_____because I need______" are based on the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.  The author does not include the part about perception in the script, but he does talk about the difference between feelings and perceptions.   I add it into my self-talk to help myself differentiate between the two, and between my perceptions and the more objective reality in the situation. 

Inevitable Learning- Experiments

No longer Inevitable Mondays, because I rarely get around to recording what actually happens on Monday and I can just do Inevitable Learning posts any day of the week!

We usually go to the library story time on Wednesdays, but today I had one kid who didn't want to and one kid who did.  I didn't really want to go either, so I suggested that we read some books and do a craft at home instead.

Instead of a craft, I decided to look up a science experiment, because last night we were watching Mythbusters and E wanted to do experiments like them.  Most of their experiments involve blowing things up, however, and I doubt our mobile home park management would approve.  So I opted for making completely non-lethal tornadoes and freezing salt water.

The tornadoes connected back to an interest in tornadoes that came up a few weeks ago.  We used these instructions on youtube, but the only glitter we had is glitter glue.  So we tried it!  We ended up with globs of it that we pretended were houses and barns and things getting picked up by the tornado.  It's hard to see in the video, but it actually creates a tunnel effect.   




The freezing salt water experiment just sounded fun.  We put two cups of water in the freezer- one freshwater and one salt water. We'll take them out in a little while and see which one froze harder.