I'm taking a break from the marriage study to post some other things that have been going on in my life. On the 18th I had a miscarriage. I didn't really know I was pregnant- well, I knew in my heart and my instincts. But I hadn't tested and I had slacked off on charting. I figured my late period was just due to breastfeeding making it all irregular. I knew, but I never allowed myself to say "yes, I'm pregnant" and just accept it.
So, when the miscarriage happened it took a bit of emotional juggling to adjust. First, having to accept the fact that yes, I really was pregnant and then immediately having to deal with losing the baby. At first I thought it would be pretty easy to deal with since I never got the chance to accept that I was pregnant and get attached, and since we weren't trying to get pregnant anyway. It quickly became a lot harder than I would have imagined.
I've really been on a roller coaster of emotions this last week. The most difficult thing has been the regret I have for not listening to my body, my heart and the Holy Spirit telling me that I was pregnant. Baby Joslyn lived inside me for 8 weeks, yet in that time I never acknowledged her, never told her I loved her, never put my hand to my stomach to think about her or say a prayer. So, I have regrets and also a surprisingly deep sadness at her loss.
I've been shocked to discover that people who I thought believed that life begins at conception, really don't believe that losing a baby at 8 weeks is the same as losing a baby at, say, 8 months. Though you can bet that if I had an abortion they would! I understand that it may not be the same emotionally for some women. It's like saying, "Is it hard and painful when a grandmother dies?" Well, that depends on the person and their relationship with their grandmother. Certainly it's gut wrenching for some people and other people might not even have known their grandmother. So, in the same way to say, "This is how it feels when your baby dies," won't be the same for two different mothers.
For me, even though I didn't get a chance to know Joslyn, her death has been hard on me. I've shed more tears this week then I have in the last year. I miss her and I'm sad that I won't get to see her grow.
At the same time, I feel a strange sense of peace about her death. I'm not angry about it at all. Her death brought an amazing power of healing, renewal and life to some other areas of my life. There's so much more to this than I'm willing to say on a public blog, but trust me when I say that healing and peace can come from anything, even death. YHVH had a purpose in bringing Joslyn home to him, and while I grieve my child, I'm also rejoicing at the way he has blessed me with healing. I know that I will see Joslyn someday. In the meantime, I hope she has fun playing with the angels!
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.