A few weeks ago, I figured it out! I knew that feeling overwhelmed and disconnected were the main triggers for her to rage that way. Other things like being tired or hungry definitely exasperated it, but were never the main cause. I have struggled so much over the last few years to work on my own feelings of anger surrounding her anger. I am finally in a place where I can usually stop taking things personally and focus on helping her, instead of using all my energy to keep my cool.
One of the things that has helped me with her the most is *seeing past her behavior and recognizing the underlying needs.* I thought I understood it, but I now get it at a whole new level. I forget what she was raging over that day (again something with her sister), but as soon as she started I thought this time don't try to DO things to calm her down. She's feeling disconnected, so CONNECT. I had noticed that she never looks at me when she's raging, so as gently as I could while stopping her from going after her sister's stuff, I put my hand on the side of her face and said in a real quite voice "Look at me, E, look at me."
I don't like restraining her, but I held her like a baby on my lap, keeping her from kicking and hitting me and starting say things like "It's ok, you're ok, you're safe, I know you're overwhelmed, just sit with me, I'll just hold you, I'll cuddle you." I spoke very softly and made shushing sounds, like she was a crying infant instead of a raging 4 year old. She screamed that she wanted to go to her room, so I immediately let her go. Of course, she went straight after her sister again, which I knew she would, but I wanted her to know that I really didn't *want* to restrain her and I would let her go if I could still keep L safe. Before she got to L, I put my arms around her again, letting her know that I wouldn't let her get to L, and started gently talking to her again. I used slow, comforting words.
She has always liked back rubs and almost every night I massage her back and arms and legs before she falls asleep. So, as much as I could while restraining her, I did that and let her know that was what I was trying to do. She screamed to go to her room or go get something to eat a few times and every time I would let her go, but then get her again when she went towards her sister.
Finally, I let her go and she didn't get off my lap. She collapsed into me and started to cry and released all the stress and tension and feelings of being overwhelmed. She cuddled into me and asked me to rub her back so I did. Then we sat on the couch and snuggled for a long time.
Typing it out seems like it lasted a long time, but really it was about 5 minutes from the time she started to the point where she stopped fighting and started crying. As much as I dislike restraining her, 5 minutes was worlds better than up to half an hour of fighting, getting hurt and eventually collapsing and crying.
In the last few weeks, this has happened a few more times and the last time, she seemed relieved as soon as I picked her up. She still fought me for a minute, but it was more like needing a physical outlet instead of desperation to get away or get what she wanted.
If you've read my other posts, you know that this is a complete 180 from the way I handled any emotional outburst from her a few years ago. It's taken that long for me to heal enough to be able to figure out how to help her. From her perspective, she is probably always unsure of how I am going to react, which exasperates her fight or flight response. My reactions have gotten better and better, but I have still made plenty of recent mistakes. I think now it's more important than ever that I respond consistently in a comforting, calm and reassuring way, so I don't lose the ground I've gained with her trusting that I'm here to be the safe place during her storm. And of course, it's better if I can help her avoid getting that overwhelmed and disconnected in the first place.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Calming the Raging Storm Part 1
In June I posted the following (though I've edited it so it's not so long) on the Always Learning unschooling group.
E and L were playing in the wagon. It has a little door and E wanted it closed and her sister wanted it open so they were fighting
over it. I intervened and tried talking about ways we could solve the problem.
Set a timer? Take turns? I asked her if she had any ideas too. But she could
hardly hear my suggestions because the whole time she is trying to push me out
of the way to get to the door to close it. I am trying to keep her away from it
so the girls aren't fighting while we find a solution. She would NOT stop for
even a second to try to figure something else out. She got more and more intent
on closing the door to the point where she is pushing me, running into me,
hitting me, just fighting with everything she has to get the door.
By that point, it knew it wasn't about the door. It's about the FIGHT. She
does this every day over random things. So I quit trying to give her ideas to
solve the door problem and instead said, "Right now I need to keep you away from
you sister until you calm down." And I tried to help her calm down. But
nothing worked!
After trying to get her some water, holding her in a bear hug, seeing if she
wanted to push on my hands (helps with frustration sometimes) or throw a stuffed
animal, tried to let her have some space in her room, I finally ended up just
sitting on the floor between her and her sister with my hands out to stop her
from getting to her sister. She kept running into me and I kept pushing her
back (not hard, just away from me) because the only other option was to hold her
and restrain her. By that point I was angry and I ended up pushing her too hard
and she fell and got hurt.
Then she stopped.
I held her and comforted her while she cried and apologized for pushing her.
When she calmed down, her sister was done with the wagon and I said, "There you
go, it's your turn now!" She said, "No, I don't want to play with it."
I wanted to scream YOU JUST FOUGHT ME OVER IT FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES AND NOW YOU
DON'T WANT IT?!
This type of thing was happening every day for a while and even though it is not always that frequent, it is something that she has done since she was very little. She gets stuck on something and will. not. give. up. At the moment I posted that, I was feeling very much like she just likes to fight me, because the things she fights about seem so pointless to me and by the time the fight is over, she doesn't even want whatever she was fighting over anymore.
Along with other good advice (such as not taking it personally), the thing they told me that I really needed to hear was watch, pay attention, be aware, look for patterns of when she is doing this kind of thing. I already knew that she tends to get this way when she is feeling disconnected from me, but I needed that reminder.
So, I watched more and played more and connected more. And when I do that, this issue mostly just goes away. She won't do it at all for days, maybe a week. But then suddenly, without warning (or more accurately, I didn't pay attention to the warnings), I would find myself in another physical battle with her. While she is normally pretty open to reason and working together to find solutions, when she gets in this mood, I don't think she can even hear me, let alone consider what I'm saying to her. She doesn't look at me and doesn't respond except to say NO or repeat what she wants that she's fighting for. She doesn't see anything except her goal and I'm just an obstacle in her way.
I have figured out her triggers and can mostly help her avoid feeling this way. But I was still stuck on what to do when it happens. I felt like the only thing I could do was be a physical barrier until she inevitably got hurt and would calm down. (Oh and if you're reading thinking "just spank her or give her a time out," I am literally rolling on the floor laughing. She is one of those kids that if you spanked, you would have to keep doing it until you beat her unconscious, and a time out would likely result in a broken down door.)
E and L were playing in the wagon. It has a little door and E wanted it closed and her sister wanted it open so they were fighting
over it. I intervened and tried talking about ways we could solve the problem.
Set a timer? Take turns? I asked her if she had any ideas too. But she could
hardly hear my suggestions because the whole time she is trying to push me out
of the way to get to the door to close it. I am trying to keep her away from it
so the girls aren't fighting while we find a solution. She would NOT stop for
even a second to try to figure something else out. She got more and more intent
on closing the door to the point where she is pushing me, running into me,
hitting me, just fighting with everything she has to get the door.
By that point, it knew it wasn't about the door. It's about the FIGHT. She
does this every day over random things. So I quit trying to give her ideas to
solve the door problem and instead said, "Right now I need to keep you away from
you sister until you calm down." And I tried to help her calm down. But
nothing worked!
After trying to get her some water, holding her in a bear hug, seeing if she
wanted to push on my hands (helps with frustration sometimes) or throw a stuffed
animal, tried to let her have some space in her room, I finally ended up just
sitting on the floor between her and her sister with my hands out to stop her
from getting to her sister. She kept running into me and I kept pushing her
back (not hard, just away from me) because the only other option was to hold her
and restrain her. By that point I was angry and I ended up pushing her too hard
and she fell and got hurt.
Then she stopped.
I held her and comforted her while she cried and apologized for pushing her.
When she calmed down, her sister was done with the wagon and I said, "There you
go, it's your turn now!" She said, "No, I don't want to play with it."
I wanted to scream YOU JUST FOUGHT ME OVER IT FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES AND NOW YOU
DON'T WANT IT?!
This type of thing was happening every day for a while and even though it is not always that frequent, it is something that she has done since she was very little. She gets stuck on something and will. not. give. up. At the moment I posted that, I was feeling very much like she just likes to fight me, because the things she fights about seem so pointless to me and by the time the fight is over, she doesn't even want whatever she was fighting over anymore.
Along with other good advice (such as not taking it personally), the thing they told me that I really needed to hear was watch, pay attention, be aware, look for patterns of when she is doing this kind of thing. I already knew that she tends to get this way when she is feeling disconnected from me, but I needed that reminder.
So, I watched more and played more and connected more. And when I do that, this issue mostly just goes away. She won't do it at all for days, maybe a week. But then suddenly, without warning (or more accurately, I didn't pay attention to the warnings), I would find myself in another physical battle with her. While she is normally pretty open to reason and working together to find solutions, when she gets in this mood, I don't think she can even hear me, let alone consider what I'm saying to her. She doesn't look at me and doesn't respond except to say NO or repeat what she wants that she's fighting for. She doesn't see anything except her goal and I'm just an obstacle in her way.
I have figured out her triggers and can mostly help her avoid feeling this way. But I was still stuck on what to do when it happens. I felt like the only thing I could do was be a physical barrier until she inevitably got hurt and would calm down. (Oh and if you're reading thinking "just spank her or give her a time out," I am literally rolling on the floor laughing. She is one of those kids that if you spanked, you would have to keep doing it until you beat her unconscious, and a time out would likely result in a broken down door.)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Official Announcement!
I announced it on facebook a few weeks ago, but here is the official blog announcement. I'm pregnant! 15 weeks along with my fourth pregnancy.
We are planning another homebirth. Before I got pregnant, I thought if I ever had another one I'd do a UC. But I'm just not feeling it.... I definitely like to be alone most of the time during labor and I don't like a lot of interventions or checks and I feel confident with the birth process and trust my body. My last labor was so long, 42 hours, and my midwives were there for the last 12. They spend most of the time in the other room, but I liked being able to have them there for moral support when things got tough. My midwife is very hands off and even amazingly supportive of UC, which is the reason I chose her in the first place. I hope this labor is shorter, though really I could do that again. Less back labor would be nice. But ultimately, after having a c-section the first time, I will take any natural labor I can get, no matter how long or grueling, over another c-section. As long as I'm not getting sliced open and I am in control of what happens to me (well, ya know, as much as you can be in control in labor, really it's more about surrender to your own body's process) I'm not complaining!
Of course, I am still nursing L and was a bit concerned that I would be driven to the brink of insanity with being touched out like I did when I was pregnant with her and E was nursing. But the first trimester was amazingly easy! I hardly got touched out at all. She doesn't try to grab me with her other hand like E always did, so that helps! And she doesn't nurse 24/7 But now that I'm in the second trimester, I'm feeling less comfortable with her nursing. We're going to keep going, but I'm glad that now I have more coping skills to be able to handle nursing her even when I feel touched out, and the boundaries to know when to say "nursies are tired" and have her stop.
I had some morning sickness for a few weeks, but that is mostly over. The worst thing is that I haven't really wanted fruit since I got pregnant. I was feeling so good when I did a month of very high raw, mostly fruit, but now anything that is the slightest bit over ripe, turns my stomach. I was also drinking lots of smoothies during that month and now just the thought of a smoothie.... all the stuff mixed and blended together...... *shudder* Yuck! I'm still eating fruit, but I just can't stomach it in those quantities right now. It's too bad because I have been suffering the side effects of eating more cooked foods (tiredness, crankiness, foggy brain etc.) I don't know what to eat!
We are planning another homebirth. Before I got pregnant, I thought if I ever had another one I'd do a UC. But I'm just not feeling it.... I definitely like to be alone most of the time during labor and I don't like a lot of interventions or checks and I feel confident with the birth process and trust my body. My last labor was so long, 42 hours, and my midwives were there for the last 12. They spend most of the time in the other room, but I liked being able to have them there for moral support when things got tough. My midwife is very hands off and even amazingly supportive of UC, which is the reason I chose her in the first place. I hope this labor is shorter, though really I could do that again. Less back labor would be nice. But ultimately, after having a c-section the first time, I will take any natural labor I can get, no matter how long or grueling, over another c-section. As long as I'm not getting sliced open and I am in control of what happens to me (well, ya know, as much as you can be in control in labor, really it's more about surrender to your own body's process) I'm not complaining!
Of course, I am still nursing L and was a bit concerned that I would be driven to the brink of insanity with being touched out like I did when I was pregnant with her and E was nursing. But the first trimester was amazingly easy! I hardly got touched out at all. She doesn't try to grab me with her other hand like E always did, so that helps! And she doesn't nurse 24/7 But now that I'm in the second trimester, I'm feeling less comfortable with her nursing. We're going to keep going, but I'm glad that now I have more coping skills to be able to handle nursing her even when I feel touched out, and the boundaries to know when to say "nursies are tired" and have her stop.
I had some morning sickness for a few weeks, but that is mostly over. The worst thing is that I haven't really wanted fruit since I got pregnant. I was feeling so good when I did a month of very high raw, mostly fruit, but now anything that is the slightest bit over ripe, turns my stomach. I was also drinking lots of smoothies during that month and now just the thought of a smoothie.... all the stuff mixed and blended together...... *shudder* Yuck! I'm still eating fruit, but I just can't stomach it in those quantities right now. It's too bad because I have been suffering the side effects of eating more cooked foods (tiredness, crankiness, foggy brain etc.) I don't know what to eat!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Ok, I quit!
No, I'm not quitting saying yes! I'm just quitting blogging about it. Well, not permanently, I'm quite sure it will come up often. But I am not going to continue to try to blog about it every day for this 30 day challenge. I have too many other things to do..... like spend time with my kids. lol
I will just jot down a few things that have happened the last few days, not necessarily yes related, though kind of.
E got stung 8 times by wasps, L got stung once and I got stung 3 times. The ironic thing is that we had just watched A Bee Movie the night before and talked all about honey bees and them protecting their hives. So, then E wanted to know what the difference is between honey bees and wasps. The best we could come up with is that honey bees are useful and we like honey and we understand why they sometimes sting to protect their hives. Wasps on the other hand are useless and evil and attack unprovoked. Ok, I know that's not entirely true (except it really was unprovoked, but I'm sure not from their perspective), but that's the best I could come up with in my post-sting, still itchy state.
We were watching Sponge Bob last night and I just love how such a silly, sometimes outright ridiculous show can spark neat conversations. Sponge Bob and Patrick were protesting the building of a highway that was going to destroy Jellyfish Fields. That led to conversations about the environment and how decisions are made to do necessary things like build highways, but that there is a cost to nature in the trees that are destroyed, the landscape and sometimes the homes of wildlife. She was really sad that all the grass was killed by the highway, but then at the end they tore the highway out and the grass came back and the jellyfish got their home back. During one part, they were dressed up like hippies and she asked why they were dressed like that. I told her about the war protests during that era and the ones that still go on today. Yep, conversations about environmentalism, ethics, construction, history, war and civics, with a 4 year old, sparked by Sponge Bob. So cool!
I will just jot down a few things that have happened the last few days, not necessarily yes related, though kind of.
E got stung 8 times by wasps, L got stung once and I got stung 3 times. The ironic thing is that we had just watched A Bee Movie the night before and talked all about honey bees and them protecting their hives. So, then E wanted to know what the difference is between honey bees and wasps. The best we could come up with is that honey bees are useful and we like honey and we understand why they sometimes sting to protect their hives. Wasps on the other hand are useless and evil and attack unprovoked. Ok, I know that's not entirely true (except it really was unprovoked, but I'm sure not from their perspective), but that's the best I could come up with in my post-sting, still itchy state.
We were watching Sponge Bob last night and I just love how such a silly, sometimes outright ridiculous show can spark neat conversations. Sponge Bob and Patrick were protesting the building of a highway that was going to destroy Jellyfish Fields. That led to conversations about the environment and how decisions are made to do necessary things like build highways, but that there is a cost to nature in the trees that are destroyed, the landscape and sometimes the homes of wildlife. She was really sad that all the grass was killed by the highway, but then at the end they tore the highway out and the grass came back and the jellyfish got their home back. During one part, they were dressed up like hippies and she asked why they were dressed like that. I told her about the war protests during that era and the ones that still go on today. Yep, conversations about environmentalism, ethics, construction, history, war and civics, with a 4 year old, sparked by Sponge Bob. So cool!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Day 7-9
Good thing daily blogging isn't my job- I'd so be fired!
Day 7-9
I've been surprised to find by doing this challenge how much I actually do say Yes to. So much of it is just default now! Where I still struggle is when my kids want me to do something *with* them, to connect with them, play with them etc. DOING things is easy for me. Saying yes to a mess and then cleaning it up isn't such a big deal. Arbitrary restrictions are pretty much gone and yes is the default answer.
Taking a bath for the 3rd time today which means water all over the floor I will need to clean up and an extra load of laundry? Sure!
"Mom come watch me in the bath." Not so easy.
Connecting is always the struggle.
A few things we have been doing the last few days....
I bought the girls binoculars and magnifying glasses at the dollar store. Of course one of the binoculars broke 2 minutes after we walked out the door! The magnifying glasses have been fun though. They have been looking for little bugs and solving mysteries.
We saw a craft on Sprout where they painted rocks like ladybugs, so we did that. Then the girls wanted to paint crab apples. I tried to get them to stick with the rocks since they will last and the apples are going to go bad, but the apples are so much fun for them to gather that they didn't think much of my suggestion. Oh well! They are having blast painting something almost every day.
I picked up a couple of books at the library that have stories, but all the pictures are made out of photographs of fruits and vegetables. One of them is a story about a seahorse. The seahorse is made from chioggia beets, the ocean plant life is different kinds of kale, lettuce and mushrooms, the crab is a shitake mushroom and tamarinds. This got us talking about all these different kinds of foods, most of which we have never tried. So next time I am at the store I'm going to try to find a few of these things. E said she wanted asian eggplant, celery root and horned melon.
A few weeks ago E got a book at the library about cobras. She looked at it a few times and then it has just been sitting around since then. She watched an episode of the Aladin tv show and Jasmine turns into a snake. I brought her the book, thinking that Jasmine was a cobra. She pointed out the differences and that Jasmine was not in fact a cobra, but some other snake that we are pretty sure is not a real one just something they invented for the cartoon.
Day 7-9
I've been surprised to find by doing this challenge how much I actually do say Yes to. So much of it is just default now! Where I still struggle is when my kids want me to do something *with* them, to connect with them, play with them etc. DOING things is easy for me. Saying yes to a mess and then cleaning it up isn't such a big deal. Arbitrary restrictions are pretty much gone and yes is the default answer.
Taking a bath for the 3rd time today which means water all over the floor I will need to clean up and an extra load of laundry? Sure!
"Mom come watch me in the bath." Not so easy.
Connecting is always the struggle.
A few things we have been doing the last few days....
I bought the girls binoculars and magnifying glasses at the dollar store. Of course one of the binoculars broke 2 minutes after we walked out the door! The magnifying glasses have been fun though. They have been looking for little bugs and solving mysteries.
We saw a craft on Sprout where they painted rocks like ladybugs, so we did that. Then the girls wanted to paint crab apples. I tried to get them to stick with the rocks since they will last and the apples are going to go bad, but the apples are so much fun for them to gather that they didn't think much of my suggestion. Oh well! They are having blast painting something almost every day.
I picked up a couple of books at the library that have stories, but all the pictures are made out of photographs of fruits and vegetables. One of them is a story about a seahorse. The seahorse is made from chioggia beets, the ocean plant life is different kinds of kale, lettuce and mushrooms, the crab is a shitake mushroom and tamarinds. This got us talking about all these different kinds of foods, most of which we have never tried. So next time I am at the store I'm going to try to find a few of these things. E said she wanted asian eggplant, celery root and horned melon.
A few weeks ago E got a book at the library about cobras. She looked at it a few times and then it has just been sitting around since then. She watched an episode of the Aladin tv show and Jasmine turns into a snake. I brought her the book, thinking that Jasmine was a cobra. She pointed out the differences and that Jasmine was not in fact a cobra, but some other snake that we are pretty sure is not a real one just something they invented for the cartoon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)