Something finally clicked for me about raw foods. It took a few weeks (months?) and a few different things to make it stick in my brain. I'm a little dense that way! lol
A while back one of my friends who eats a raw foods diet, said that she eats something like 10 or 12 bananas a day. I thought WOW! That's a lot! Then not too long after that another one of my raw foodist friends said the same thing. Then I read on her blog how she ate 15 oranges for one meal and her husband had 25 fruits in a day. That really surprised me, so I tried to figure out why that was such a big deal to me.
I eat a LOT, so it wasn't really the amount of food that shocked me. If you know me, you might not be able to believe that my 130 pound, 5'9" self can eat an entire medium sized pizza, a whole pie, a box of cookies, or a half gallon of icecream as one meal, but if you REALLY know me, you've seen me do it. So, why did that much fruit seem so crazy?!
My friend suggested that maybe it was because of culture and habit. We just aren't used to buying fruit by the case. We just don't see it in our shopping carts and our kitchens. I thought about that, and agreed with her, that was part of it. I also realized that a lot of times, I limit myself to less fruit than I really want. I might eat 2 bananas, but then I think that there's only a few left and a week till I go grocery shopping and I should save some for the kids. Also, I tend to feel like produce is more expensive even though really it's not. Most of the produce I buy is less than $1 a pound, some of it way less. But some culturally conditioned part of my brain wants to tell me that it's expensive and special and can't be a whole meal.
I used to eat a banana or two (or whatever fruit, that's just an example) and then still feel hungry. So I'd think I needed protein and I'd eat some peanut butter or keifer or yogurt. Or something heavier and cooked. When I realized how much produce my raw friends eat it was like duh! If you're still hungry after the first 2, have 2 more! The thing that made that click was reading about the calories. Cooked food can have a LOT of calories, but no nutrition. Raw food has lots of nutrients but you need to eat more to get the same amount of calories. But the cool thing is that the more you eat, the more nutrients you get too!
The other thing was that when I tried to do a raw foods diet before, I was "committing" to it and then I'd eat something cooked and feel guilty. I'm not doing that any more! I'm not making any commitments and I'm not claiming to be "going raw." I've been reading this book called Willpower is not Enough and it makes some great points about willpower vs. heart power. The things that we try to do through willpower rarely work, because we can only grit our teeth and bear it so long. But the things that flow from our hearts desire, come easier, more naturally and stick with us because they are internalized. When I made a list of my mind's desires and my hearts desires I realized that I was trying to go raw before because of my mind. Logically, I know that eating raw is more healthy, so that's what I wanted to do. On the other hand, my heart's desire is to have lots of energy to play with my kids and follow my passions, to feel good and strong, to stop having headaches, stomach aches and allergies. So, now I want to eat the way that helps me follow the desires of my heart, which is much more sustainable.
I also have discovered over the last few months that I really use food to drown my emotions. The day I had the miscarriage, I went right to the store, bought a frozen pie and inhaled half of it. I would have eaten the rest, but my family was helping me. Combining this knowledge with the information about following my heart's desire not just my willpower, has been really helpful! Now I can approach this not as a diet issue that I need to over come with my will because of the logical reasons to eat better. Instead it's an emotional and spiritual issue- I want to eat in a a way that allows me to feel all my emotions, deal with them and turn them over to God. I want to eat in a way that allows me to follow my heart's desire of having more energy and feeling good to be a better wife, mother, and to serve God through the passions he's given me. I'm really excited about this new paradigm shift and I can't wait to see where the journey leads!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Beauty From Ashes
I'm taking a break from the marriage study to post some other things that have been going on in my life. On the 18th I had a miscarriage. I didn't really know I was pregnant- well, I knew in my heart and my instincts. But I hadn't tested and I had slacked off on charting. I figured my late period was just due to breastfeeding making it all irregular. I knew, but I never allowed myself to say "yes, I'm pregnant" and just accept it.
So, when the miscarriage happened it took a bit of emotional juggling to adjust. First, having to accept the fact that yes, I really was pregnant and then immediately having to deal with losing the baby. At first I thought it would be pretty easy to deal with since I never got the chance to accept that I was pregnant and get attached, and since we weren't trying to get pregnant anyway. It quickly became a lot harder than I would have imagined.
I've really been on a roller coaster of emotions this last week. The most difficult thing has been the regret I have for not listening to my body, my heart and the Holy Spirit telling me that I was pregnant. Baby Joslyn lived inside me for 8 weeks, yet in that time I never acknowledged her, never told her I loved her, never put my hand to my stomach to think about her or say a prayer. So, I have regrets and also a surprisingly deep sadness at her loss.
I've been shocked to discover that people who I thought believed that life begins at conception, really don't believe that losing a baby at 8 weeks is the same as losing a baby at, say, 8 months. Though you can bet that if I had an abortion they would! I understand that it may not be the same emotionally for some women. It's like saying, "Is it hard and painful when a grandmother dies?" Well, that depends on the person and their relationship with their grandmother. Certainly it's gut wrenching for some people and other people might not even have known their grandmother. So, in the same way to say, "This is how it feels when your baby dies," won't be the same for two different mothers.
For me, even though I didn't get a chance to know Joslyn, her death has been hard on me. I've shed more tears this week then I have in the last year. I miss her and I'm sad that I won't get to see her grow.
At the same time, I feel a strange sense of peace about her death. I'm not angry about it at all. Her death brought an amazing power of healing, renewal and life to some other areas of my life. There's so much more to this than I'm willing to say on a public blog, but trust me when I say that healing and peace can come from anything, even death. YHVH had a purpose in bringing Joslyn home to him, and while I grieve my child, I'm also rejoicing at the way he has blessed me with healing. I know that I will see Joslyn someday. In the meantime, I hope she has fun playing with the angels!
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.
So, when the miscarriage happened it took a bit of emotional juggling to adjust. First, having to accept the fact that yes, I really was pregnant and then immediately having to deal with losing the baby. At first I thought it would be pretty easy to deal with since I never got the chance to accept that I was pregnant and get attached, and since we weren't trying to get pregnant anyway. It quickly became a lot harder than I would have imagined.
I've really been on a roller coaster of emotions this last week. The most difficult thing has been the regret I have for not listening to my body, my heart and the Holy Spirit telling me that I was pregnant. Baby Joslyn lived inside me for 8 weeks, yet in that time I never acknowledged her, never told her I loved her, never put my hand to my stomach to think about her or say a prayer. So, I have regrets and also a surprisingly deep sadness at her loss.
I've been shocked to discover that people who I thought believed that life begins at conception, really don't believe that losing a baby at 8 weeks is the same as losing a baby at, say, 8 months. Though you can bet that if I had an abortion they would! I understand that it may not be the same emotionally for some women. It's like saying, "Is it hard and painful when a grandmother dies?" Well, that depends on the person and their relationship with their grandmother. Certainly it's gut wrenching for some people and other people might not even have known their grandmother. So, in the same way to say, "This is how it feels when your baby dies," won't be the same for two different mothers.
For me, even though I didn't get a chance to know Joslyn, her death has been hard on me. I've shed more tears this week then I have in the last year. I miss her and I'm sad that I won't get to see her grow.
At the same time, I feel a strange sense of peace about her death. I'm not angry about it at all. Her death brought an amazing power of healing, renewal and life to some other areas of my life. There's so much more to this than I'm willing to say on a public blog, but trust me when I say that healing and peace can come from anything, even death. YHVH had a purpose in bringing Joslyn home to him, and while I grieve my child, I'm also rejoicing at the way he has blessed me with healing. I know that I will see Joslyn someday. In the meantime, I hope she has fun playing with the angels!
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Story E Told Me Today
Once upon a time there was a story about monsters who said "raaawwrrr" very quietly. Then they said "RRRAAAWWWRRR" very loudly. Then they said "Oh!" and ate the dinosaurs. They said "rrraawwwrr! Where did my baby go?" The baby was under the box. Then the mommy saw it eating the box. They went to sleep, then woke up and yawned. They tickled each other. The End.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Why play is the most terrifying thing I've ever done
I was hanging out with some other moms tonight, and I mentioned that I couldn't imagine sending E off to school because we are having so much fun. Then we were talking about playing with kids and how they want to do the same.thing.over.and.over and how we feel like our inner child is dead because it's so hard to play these pretend games. My friend Lisa said, "but you said you have so much fun with E. What are you doing that's so fun if the pretend stuff is so hard?" I tried to explain that we have fun doing things like games or playing on the computer or looking things up on youtube or going places and doing things. But the get down on the floor, wrestle, play, pretend to be a dog for the 3 millionth time today kind of play is really hard for me.
I thought about that more on the way home, and the same theme keeps coming up over and over again. It's hard to connect. It's hard to be open. IT'S LIKE GETTING BURNED WITH HOT COALS!
Activities are....well... active, but in a distracting way. If I'm thinking about the rules of a game or how to keep E safe and entertained on an outing or getting a craft set up, then done, then cleaned up, I can be present but I can also check out. It's better if I'm present. Everything goes smoother, I feel better, she has more fun and is more cooperative. But I can have moments or even entire stretches of "uh-huh, yes, that's nice dear" while I'm off in my own little world. Thinking. Always thinking, my brain always going a million miles an hour.
But if we are playing with no rules or distractions, the "original play" way, I need to be fully engaged for it to work. She NEEDS me to be fully engaged. Aware, present, connected. Lots of eye contact, lots of hugs, lots of role play and pretend. This is so easy for her and I envy it. She completely loses herself in the roles that she plays without ever losing *herself.* She's completely open. Her body moves with grace and fluidity or sometimes she falls down, but she gets right back up. There's no shame or ego to protect or self consciousness and certainly no self depreciation. The thought never occures to her to make fun of someone else's idea or that anyone would think that hers are anything less than wonderful. Some ideas are "silly" but those are wonderful too in their obsurdity.
When I play with her this way, part of me feels like I'm opening up and letting down my guard. It feels good and freeing. I never played much as a kid. When the other kids were playing, I was always sitting with the adults listening to them talk. It became a point of pride that I was "mature" and "responsible" but I really missed out on a lot emotionally. I don't know how to play. E is like a patient teacher, gently guiding me through the fascinating world of child's play. At times, it's like we connect on this spiritual level. She and I become the only people in the world and the most important thing in that moment is BEing there, doing whatever we are doing.
But those are also the moments I want to run from. It feels like my body and heart are drowning in a wave of joy, connection, love, but it's all painful and claustrophobic. At the same time that I'm enjoying being with her, my whole body also has this visceral reaction to RUN. I feel like a caged animal that must escape the intensity. It's scary.
It seems so absurd typing it out. After all, I'm talking about playing pretend with a 4 year old. But it's so much more than that. It's actual connection with another human being with no boundaries or expectations or conditions. She doesn't care how dorky I look or how much work I need to get done or what my political beliefs are or whether or not I can manage to get out a coherent sentence. She just wants to PLAY with *me.* She sees right through all the mommy-wife-friend-coworker-social crap-I'mFINE,howareyou-bullshit games, and sees me. And even when 5 minutes before that I yelled at her or forgot something that was important to her, she still throws her innocent, open, trusting heart right into my hands and invites me to come play.
That is the scariest, most amazing, powerful, intense, awakening, and freakin' terrifying thing I've ever experienced. It's all that mushy emotional stuff that I never deal with cause I don't know how.
So, there it is. Why I have a hard time playing with my kids. Or playing at all. Or BEing in the moment. All I can do is let myself open up one little, tiny bit at a time. It's scary, but it's good!
I thought about that more on the way home, and the same theme keeps coming up over and over again. It's hard to connect. It's hard to be open. IT'S LIKE GETTING BURNED WITH HOT COALS!
Activities are....well... active, but in a distracting way. If I'm thinking about the rules of a game or how to keep E safe and entertained on an outing or getting a craft set up, then done, then cleaned up, I can be present but I can also check out. It's better if I'm present. Everything goes smoother, I feel better, she has more fun and is more cooperative. But I can have moments or even entire stretches of "uh-huh, yes, that's nice dear" while I'm off in my own little world. Thinking. Always thinking, my brain always going a million miles an hour.
But if we are playing with no rules or distractions, the "original play" way, I need to be fully engaged for it to work. She NEEDS me to be fully engaged. Aware, present, connected. Lots of eye contact, lots of hugs, lots of role play and pretend. This is so easy for her and I envy it. She completely loses herself in the roles that she plays without ever losing *herself.* She's completely open. Her body moves with grace and fluidity or sometimes she falls down, but she gets right back up. There's no shame or ego to protect or self consciousness and certainly no self depreciation. The thought never occures to her to make fun of someone else's idea or that anyone would think that hers are anything less than wonderful. Some ideas are "silly" but those are wonderful too in their obsurdity.
When I play with her this way, part of me feels like I'm opening up and letting down my guard. It feels good and freeing. I never played much as a kid. When the other kids were playing, I was always sitting with the adults listening to them talk. It became a point of pride that I was "mature" and "responsible" but I really missed out on a lot emotionally. I don't know how to play. E is like a patient teacher, gently guiding me through the fascinating world of child's play. At times, it's like we connect on this spiritual level. She and I become the only people in the world and the most important thing in that moment is BEing there, doing whatever we are doing.
But those are also the moments I want to run from. It feels like my body and heart are drowning in a wave of joy, connection, love, but it's all painful and claustrophobic. At the same time that I'm enjoying being with her, my whole body also has this visceral reaction to RUN. I feel like a caged animal that must escape the intensity. It's scary.
It seems so absurd typing it out. After all, I'm talking about playing pretend with a 4 year old. But it's so much more than that. It's actual connection with another human being with no boundaries or expectations or conditions. She doesn't care how dorky I look or how much work I need to get done or what my political beliefs are or whether or not I can manage to get out a coherent sentence. She just wants to PLAY with *me.* She sees right through all the mommy-wife-friend-coworker-social crap-I'mFINE,howareyou-bullshit games, and sees me. And even when 5 minutes before that I yelled at her or forgot something that was important to her, she still throws her innocent, open, trusting heart right into my hands and invites me to come play.
That is the scariest, most amazing, powerful, intense, awakening, and freakin' terrifying thing I've ever experienced. It's all that mushy emotional stuff that I never deal with cause I don't know how.
So, there it is. Why I have a hard time playing with my kids. Or playing at all. Or BEing in the moment. All I can do is let myself open up one little, tiny bit at a time. It's scary, but it's good!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Mermaids, forts, maps, days of the week, bugs......
On a message board I'm on there's a thread about our unschooling days and I posted this. Thought I'd copy it here too.
Today we made mermaid cookies. Dd watched Little Mermaid last week and had the idea to make these cookies, so I finally got around to it today. They were just sugar cookies that we cut into mermaid shapes, though they looked more like snakes and sea horses. We discovered that no one in the house actually like sugar cookies, so we'll use the left over dough tomorrow for playdough.
I made her a fort this morning by putting a blanket over the table. That was fun! She's been wanting me to play pretend games with her stuffed animals. I do the funny voices and she keeps the story line going.
The days of the week have been coming up more often lately. We just joined YMCA and Thursdays are going to be our swimming pool days. So when she asks when we're going to the pool, I say Thursday. Today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday. Or whatever day it is. We've done this before when she wanted to know when something was happening, so now when I start naming off the days of the week, she can almost say them with me.
She was looking at her map today. It's a map of the US that I have on the dining room wall. I've told her before that she was born in Maine and now we live in Oregon. Grandma lived in California. So, today she was repeating all that back to me and asking me to name other states. Then dd2 started pointing at different states, so I was naming them for her. That was too cute!
We went outside in the rain today and they splashed in some puddles and we threw a football around. Then she went on a bug hunt and found a beetle and a worm. Usually she likes to keep them, but today she didn't want to trek back inside to get something to keep them in. She REALLY likes spiders, but for a few months now we've been talking about how there aren't many spiders around in the winter time. So, she's looking forward to summer.
hhhhhmmm what else today..... she watched Dora, we listened to a Veggie Tales cd, she played on uptoten, played with her sister a lot, we went to our church class and she went to the nursery.
Oh, she helped me clean up the house. It was so funny! She was running around saying "I'm Superman! I'll help you, what do you need help with?!" I wasn't even cleaning the house up and it was her idea. She said, "I'll rescue you! I'll put toys away!" and she did.
Today we made mermaid cookies. Dd watched Little Mermaid last week and had the idea to make these cookies, so I finally got around to it today. They were just sugar cookies that we cut into mermaid shapes, though they looked more like snakes and sea horses. We discovered that no one in the house actually like sugar cookies, so we'll use the left over dough tomorrow for playdough.
I made her a fort this morning by putting a blanket over the table. That was fun! She's been wanting me to play pretend games with her stuffed animals. I do the funny voices and she keeps the story line going.
The days of the week have been coming up more often lately. We just joined YMCA and Thursdays are going to be our swimming pool days. So when she asks when we're going to the pool, I say Thursday. Today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday. Or whatever day it is. We've done this before when she wanted to know when something was happening, so now when I start naming off the days of the week, she can almost say them with me.
She was looking at her map today. It's a map of the US that I have on the dining room wall. I've told her before that she was born in Maine and now we live in Oregon. Grandma lived in California. So, today she was repeating all that back to me and asking me to name other states. Then dd2 started pointing at different states, so I was naming them for her. That was too cute!
We went outside in the rain today and they splashed in some puddles and we threw a football around. Then she went on a bug hunt and found a beetle and a worm. Usually she likes to keep them, but today she didn't want to trek back inside to get something to keep them in. She REALLY likes spiders, but for a few months now we've been talking about how there aren't many spiders around in the winter time. So, she's looking forward to summer.
hhhhhmmm what else today..... she watched Dora, we listened to a Veggie Tales cd, she played on uptoten, played with her sister a lot, we went to our church class and she went to the nursery.
Oh, she helped me clean up the house. It was so funny! She was running around saying "I'm Superman! I'll help you, what do you need help with?!" I wasn't even cleaning the house up and it was her idea. She said, "I'll rescue you! I'll put toys away!" and she did.
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