L will be 4 next week, but she's still my baby. She's still nursing, though not very much. Most days she only nurses once a day for a few minutes, and some days she doesn't nurse at all. I've been feeling conflicted about weaning her. On one hand, I've been nursing babies for 6.5 years straight, I'm tandem nursing for the second time, and my boobs are flat out tired. She's nursing so infrequently now, that I know she'd be ok with stopping. On the other hand, she's nursing so infrequently that I think it wouldn't really take much of my time or energy to continue.
I told her that her 4th birthday will be her weaning party as well. She seemed a little excited about that, saying she was a big girl and didn't need nursies anymore. But she still asks to nurse, and I know she feels special when I tell Z to share nursies, because L is still my baby too.
Tonight, L nursed to sleep in my lap on the couch. She was snuggled under the blanket, and she looked so small that E even asked "Is that Z or L?" when all she could see were wisps of blond hair poking out.
Nursing toddlers and preschoolers is a funny thing sometimes. With an infant, it's easy for me to remember that I am her only or at least primary source of nourishment. Even when she bites, or wants to nurse all day, or tries to turn around and look at all the things distracting her with my nipple still in her mouth, there is a strong connection between us that makes it all ok. With a 2 or 3 or 4 year old.... well, sometimes I want to rip my boobs off and throw them across the room. The need, because it's no longer primary physical, is easier to forget.
For the child though, it's such a strong source of comfort. It's the perfect act of unconditional love. It is her safe haven.
When I can slow down and tap into that, when I can allow myself to connect with what she is feeling, it's the most powerful bond in the world. I'm not a very naturally nurturing person. I actually have to work really hard to proactively bond with my kids. But in that moment of nursing her to sleep, feeling her breath on my skin and her heartbeat, seeing her little fingers run through her soft blond hair, it's perfect unity between us. Everything is understood, everything is peaceful, everything is right. It's simultaneously an incredibly nurturing and incredibly powerful feeling. Powerful, because the feeling of protectiveness becomes so strong that heaven help the person who ever dared hurt my baby.
I will miss nursing L. As right as it is, however, for her to have nursed as long as she has, it is also right that she now a take another step into growing bigger. I pray that the bitter sweet memories of weaning her stay with me, to remind me not to ever push her to grow faster than she is ready. She might not nurse for much longer, but she will always be my baby.
Showing posts with label tandem nursing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tandem nursing. Show all posts
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Nursing
We've been trying to get a tandem nursing picture, but every time we try L wants to look at the camera. D will have to be sneakier next time!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tandem Nursing Again
The saga continues.....
I weaned E at just over 2 years old. I was a few months pregnant, my nipples really hurt, and I didn't want to tandem nurse when the baby was born. It was a really hard day or two full of her screaming and crying "I WANT TO NURSE!" It was so sad! But after a few days she was ok. She would ask now and then, but it wasn't so bad when I said no. After 5 months, I thought she had forgotten all about it, but then she asked to nurse one day out of the blue.
It was a few weeks before L was born, my boobs weren't so sore, and I was ok with the idea of tandem nursing, so I said yes. I was also regretting weaning E, because she was still so little. So she nursed for a few weeks before L was born and a few months after. It really helped with the transition to the new baby. They nursed together and held hands and it was so sweet!
But it was also hard. I was really stressed out about unemployment and moving and finances. I started to get touched out, and E was driving me up the wall with her grabby hands. I limited nursing to nap time and night time, so she'd say that she was tired and wanted a nap, just to nurse. I got resentful and angry. Finally, I felt like nursing was hurting our relationship more than helping it, so I weaned her cold turkey for the second time.
Again, she was sad for a few days, but then ok. She never seemed to resent L nursing, and I always made sure to snuggle her a lot especially while nursing L. She'd ask every now and then if she could nurse, and I'd say no. She would sadly say "ok" or sometimes tell me that someday she was going to be little again and then she would nurse.
Last night she asked me to walk with her before bed. So, I held her and walked around the house and sang to her. Then she asked to nurse and I said yes. It just felt right and seemed like the connection we needed right then. Then we layed down and she looked up at me and said in the sweetest voice, "Thank you, Mama." It just melted my heart!
So, I'm back to tandem nursing. I don't know what it's going to bring. I'm much less stressed out now, so hopefully I'll be less irritable. It never felt right to wean her the way I did. She has an emotional need that needs to be met. She needs to be filled up with all the love and connection that nursing brings. I know that she won't nurse forever, so I'm going to focus on enjoying it and savoring the connection. When she's ready, she'll let it go.
I weaned E at just over 2 years old. I was a few months pregnant, my nipples really hurt, and I didn't want to tandem nurse when the baby was born. It was a really hard day or two full of her screaming and crying "I WANT TO NURSE!" It was so sad! But after a few days she was ok. She would ask now and then, but it wasn't so bad when I said no. After 5 months, I thought she had forgotten all about it, but then she asked to nurse one day out of the blue.
It was a few weeks before L was born, my boobs weren't so sore, and I was ok with the idea of tandem nursing, so I said yes. I was also regretting weaning E, because she was still so little. So she nursed for a few weeks before L was born and a few months after. It really helped with the transition to the new baby. They nursed together and held hands and it was so sweet!
But it was also hard. I was really stressed out about unemployment and moving and finances. I started to get touched out, and E was driving me up the wall with her grabby hands. I limited nursing to nap time and night time, so she'd say that she was tired and wanted a nap, just to nurse. I got resentful and angry. Finally, I felt like nursing was hurting our relationship more than helping it, so I weaned her cold turkey for the second time.
Again, she was sad for a few days, but then ok. She never seemed to resent L nursing, and I always made sure to snuggle her a lot especially while nursing L. She'd ask every now and then if she could nurse, and I'd say no. She would sadly say "ok" or sometimes tell me that someday she was going to be little again and then she would nurse.
Last night she asked me to walk with her before bed. So, I held her and walked around the house and sang to her. Then she asked to nurse and I said yes. It just felt right and seemed like the connection we needed right then. Then we layed down and she looked up at me and said in the sweetest voice, "Thank you, Mama." It just melted my heart!
So, I'm back to tandem nursing. I don't know what it's going to bring. I'm much less stressed out now, so hopefully I'll be less irritable. It never felt right to wean her the way I did. She has an emotional need that needs to be met. She needs to be filled up with all the love and connection that nursing brings. I know that she won't nurse forever, so I'm going to focus on enjoying it and savoring the connection. When she's ready, she'll let it go.
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