Radical Tuesday- Posted UnRules (Solutions!)

I know some families post the "rules of the house" so that everything is known and consistent for the kids.  I have never considered doing this because we don't have 100% set in stone rules in our house.  We have "keep messy food out of the bedrooms because of the potential for ants" and "you can jump on the couch, but don't climb on the back because it's starting to rip" and "PLEASE for the LOVE of ALL that is GOOD- put your towel in the bathroom when you are done with it."  But, those would be awfully long to write out and post on the wall.  And they are flexible!

I have, however, borrowed from this idea of posting rules and I have sometimes posted solutions.  I may have posted (or maybe just thought about it) a while back about the reminder note that I wrote for the girls to bring their apples back into the kitchen.  They wanted to take apples in their bedroom, and we were fighting ants all summer so my first reaction was NO!  Then we talked about it and I told them my concern that the half eaten apples would get left in the bedroom.  They promised not to leave them.  I said we would need to come up with something to help them remember, rather than just relying on their memories.

I ended up writing a note that said "Bring your apples back in the kitchen" and posting it on their bedroom door.
They can't read, of course, but they knew what it said.  They were part of the solution and understood the terrible ant problem (well, this was mostly E, but she helped L) and just seeing the paper on the door helped them remember.

More recently, they have been leaving their towels on the floor in the living room and bedrooms after they dry off after a bath.
 They take *at least* three baths a day just for fun, so I was picking up and reminding them to pick up a lot of towels.  They are both usually pretty happy to put their own towel back when I reminded them, but one day E did NOT want to put it back.  I told her that I was tired of picking up the towels and reminding them to do it, and that it seemed like she was tired of putting her towel away too, so we needed to figure out something that would work better.  She agreed, but didn't have any ideas.  So I said that when I take a shower, I dry off in the bathroom and then put the towel away right away.  So I NEVER have to pick up my towel off the floor!  I suggested putting a note in the bathroom so they would remember to leave their towels in there.  They agreed, I posted a note that says "Leave Towels In The Bathroom" and there has not been a single towel on the floor for well over a week.  To top it off, they are SO EXCITED that they remember to put their towels away and come running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, look!  No towel!"

My husband recently had an idea to make his "honey do" list more appealing.
He is a Type 1 according to It's Just My Nature, which means he is fun loving and random, so this is the kind of thing that makes his life interesting, and makes me and my Type 4ness scratch my head, but hey, whatever works!  The kids have this spinner from some old game that has the numbers 1 through 6.  So he told me to make him a list of the 6 projects I want him to get done this week and number them.   Every day he spins the spinner and does the job associated with the number on which the spinner lands.

The kids thought this was so cool!
So E asked me to make her a list of jobs to do too.  I thought of six things the girls can (and sometimes already did) help with: wash the table and counter, take out the trash, wash the front of the fridge and stove, put away their own laundry, vacuum and make a meal.  E is so excited to spin it every day and do her "job" (sometimes more than one) and L goes along for the ride and helps.        

What's Not Working

Social Activities: We have met a few other homeschoolers, but getting together has been hard. Most are in charter school, so they have their own charter school activities. Several live out of town and we don't have a car right now. Our main place for meeting people has been the library preschool story time, so most of those kids are between 18 months and 4 years old.. E is one of the oldest ones there and L is happy to be in the vicinity of people whether she actually interacts with anyone or not. We've made a few friends, several prospective friends and the girls get to socialize at the library, with neighborhood kids, at dance class and as we are out and about running errands. It's not so much a lack of socializing, as a lack of community.

My Tendency to be Verbose:
Sandra Dodd recently made a comment on Always Learning about excessive "cutie-poo mom noise." That cracked me up! She was referring to the constant barrage of high pitched, baby talking questions, suggestions, and exhortations made by well meaning, but insecure moms to their annoyed kids who just want them to shut up. I don't fall into that category exactly, but every time she talks about it I'm reminded of my own tendency towards not high pitched and not cutie-poo, but obnoxious and sometimes constant barrage of noise. I want to be understood and make sure I'm understanding and have apologies and clarifications and explanations all around with a plan laid out for how to handle future similar situations. I'd probably make a great mediator between warring countries or nasty divorces, but it's just not necessary when my 5 year old and 3 year old have a spat over a toy. Their eyes glaze over and they just want to give me the right answer so I'll STOP TALKING. And the last thing I want is for my kids to feel like they have to give me the "right answer," for them to feel like they can't communicate honestly with me, so naturally, I tell them that and continue talking rather than just SHUTTING UP.

Making Rules:
Yes, I've been making rules lately and I'm not liking it. When E was about 2-4 years old I focused a lot on trying to provide information rather than telling her what to do. I tried to focus on principles rather than rules. I got pretty good at it. But as L has gotten older and Z was born and we moved and have had a lot of changes and stressors, I've resorted more to rules. I'm a little torn on the issue. On the one hand, I don't have rules about so many things (food, tv, bedtimes, cleaning) and I do take into consideration what the kids want to do and try to find ways for everyone's needs and wants to be met. So part of me just doesn't feel one bit bad about saying things like "No water on the floor, I don't want to deal with the mess," when a year ago I would have allowed it. For the most part, the few rules I have are based on principles like safety and respect (like no using the shower curtain as a spiderman web and swinging from it). Also, for the most part, the kids don't balk at the rules too much, so I think "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." I've also starting just telling them what to do more than I used to and I've told them if they don't like what I'm telling them they can ask me to work with them to find a solution and I will, otherwise just do it. On the other hand, I know I'm resorting to these things because they are easier, require less of my mental and emotional energy, and because I can just be "mom" without being their partner. The firm and kind mom isn't a bad thing. It's "good parenting" and it's a million times better than hitting and yelling. But I want something more in my relationship with my kids. I want to be their partner and confidant and mentor and I see the way I'm acting is moving me further away from that, not closer. Not that I'm giving up firm and kind, just that I need to put more emphasis on providing information and "working with," not "doing to." .

My Expectations of L:
In some ways it's so obvious that L is still just a baby when compared to E, but I still tend to think that she is capable of doing everything E is. I have to remember that she does not have the same impulse control, maturity, forethought or skills as E, because she is 2.5 years younger!

Here's another example.....

Tonight I made some cookies with my kids, gave them a bath, and played under a fort we made with the table and a blanket. Then I said, "let's lay down, watch a tv show and go to sleep." We all snuggled up under the blankets for a cartoon on Sprout and I said "after this show is over we'll go to sleep."

This is how we often get to bed. We pull E's twin sized mattress into the living room, snuggle up together, put on a tv show or movie and they are out in half an hour. Then D and I can stay up for a few hours if we want to. E used to stay up a lot later, but now that she's dropped her naps, she goes to bed earlier.

When I turned the tv off, it was clear after 5 minutes that neither of them were as tired as I thought. E said that she wanted to stay up, so I let her. Most people would probably think that is permissive, but I counter that it's only permissive if bedtime is a "rule." Or if the household even has a "bedtime." We don't. My job is to help my children fall asleep when they are ready, make the environment conducive to sleep, help them learn to recognize the signs that their body is tired, and trust that they are learning about their *own* bodies and their *own* needs as separate people from me.

So, I told her that yes, she could stay up. She wanted to use the mattress as a slide off the couch and I said that was fine as long as it was fairly quiet. I left the lights off, except one low one and the tv to keep the atmosphere. I reminded her that it was late at night and our upstairs neighbors were sleeping, because that is being respectful of their boundaries. I said that she could do it as long as she wasn't banging on the floor or yelling. The girls played quietly for half an hour or so, and then settled back in to watch tv. L came and snuggled with me to nurse, and is asleep on my lap right now. E fell asleep watching Brother Bear..... quietly, peacefully, when their bodies were ready.