In my last post I said:
"However, I was still not being very open to allowing her to express those emotions, sending her to her room or getting angry about "temper tantrums." (That is another whole post in itself!)"
So here's that post!
I remember one time very vividly, when E was right around 2 years old, that she was screaming and crying over something. I don't remember what started it, but I was convinced that allowing that kind of temper tantrum would turn her into a complete brat for the rest of her life. It was completely unacceptable to me for her to scream when she was angry or really for her to be angry at all. I would say "she can do it, but not around me. If she wants to scream, she can go in her room." I played that parenting card called "consistency" and every time she would scream about something I would put her in her room and tell her she could come out when she was done. Well, this time that I remember so well, she was far from being "done." In fact, she just kept getting more and more upset and the screaming turned to hysterical crying. She kept trying to come out of her room and I kept putting her back in. Finally at some point I realized that she was not going to be able to stop on her own. It was no longer about whatever had made her angry in the first place. Now she was so hysterical that she couldn't stop even though she wanted to.
I don't know if I realized it right then or soon after, but it dawned on me that her own anger and sadness were scary for her. They were SO BIG and taking over her whole body and she didn't know what they were or what they were called or what to do with them. And I was telling her that I didn't know either! Her feelings were too big for me to handle! Me, the grownup, the person in her life who was supposed to protect her and help her was just as scared of her feelings as she was. On top of that, I was basically saying that I only wanted to be around her if she was happy. That my love and acceptance was contingent on her behavior and emotions.
Right around that time I joined the Gentle Christian Mothers message board, and started learning about age appropriate behavior and normal childhood development and what might be going on in her 2 year old mind. I realized then and it has become more and more clear to me since then that my desire, my NEED to push her away when she was upset was more about my feelings than hers. Watching someone else's emotions is extremely uncomfortable for someone who doesn't know how to handle their own. I had all these messages that I had told myself "suck it up," "don't be weak," "only girly girls cry" running around in my head and I projected them onto her. I masked it with some vague discipline philosophy about not letting kids get their way or they would be disobedient brats. But really, it was about my own comfort levels, fear and insecurity. And I had set up such an adversarial relationship that once I had made a decision I had to "win." It was a battleground and I could not accept defeat.
After doing a lot of reading, learning and praying, I started changing how I view her emotions. I slowly started dealing with her tantrums better and better and started learning to deal with my own as well. I remember another time not long after L was born, when E was 2 1/2. I was at DMV with both girls and we had been waiting a long time. Again, I don't remember exactly what started it (besides being tired, bored and maybe hungry), but E started melting down. I had L in the wrap, sleeping on my chest and I was trying to calm down a kicking, screaming toddler. For the first time ever, I didn't feel that flash of rage (which of course is really just fear) wash over me. Even though everyone in the place was looking at me, probably thinking what a brat my kid was or what a bad mom I was, I didn't care. My priority was my child.
She kept trying to get out of my arms and I couldn't hold her with L on my chest, so I took us all to the bathroom. I sat down on the floor and let her go. She raged and raged. She screamed that she wanted out, that she wanted daddy. She kept hitting the door and trying to hit me. For the first time, I was just present with her, feeling her pain with her. Not trying to fight her or win a battle or keep up appearances. I offered to hold her and nurse her when she was ready. I let her know I understood how she felt, I *heard* what she was saying. I was bigger than her fear and anger and sadness. We were in there for 10 or 15 minutes before she finally let me nurse her and calmed down. When we came out of the bathroom, I knew that everyone in the room had heard her screaming and of course they had all seen me take her to the bathroom. I don't know if they thought I was spanking her in there or what, but I got plenty of dirty looks. I didn't care, because it was my first success at not letting my own fear dictate my response to her.
E has always been a very emotional, intense child. She was colicky as a newborn, fussy as a baby, and threw frequent temper tantrums as a toddler. Now at 4, she still feels everything to the extreme. When she's happy, she's overjoyed, blissful, on cloud 9 over the slightest things. When she's sad or angry, she plummets to the depths of this dark, deep pit and looks like she's fighting dragons trying finding her way out. I didn't realize just how intense she is until L was born. In a lot of ways they are similar, but L is the much more laid back version. Part of it is personality, but part of it is that L has not had to go through the things E went through as a baby, like the nursing issues I talked about in the last post or having an emotionally unavailable and often angry mother like I was for E's first 2 years. Or the stress of moving several times and other situations.
Since that day at DMV I have had complete successes, complete failures and everything in between with how I have handled E's emotions. I'm getting better and better every day at learning how to just BE with her and see *her* not the behavior. I'm learning how help her identify her emotions and find healthy ways to work through them. I'm learning to balance that with helping her learn what is socially acceptable and not letting her emotional expression cross other people's boundaries. I am giving her tools (usually right as I learn them myself!) to work through emotions. Deep breathing, prayer, meditation, throwing stuffed animals since they won't break like toys, screaming into a pillow, identifying and acknowledging feelings, accepting them and holding them with care until they inevitably pass.
This evening, D took her to play outside. After they came in, she was very upset and started screaming and crying. I held her on my lap and she screamed at the top of her lungs. I knew it wasn't at me and I knew it wasn't all about going outside. After a few good stress releasing screams, she relaxed into me and sobbed and sobbed on my chest. She gulped out how she was having fun outside with a friend and she missed that friend and didn't want to stop playing. I didn't try to change her mind or convince her that it was all ok. I just reflected back to her what she was saying. She let out all the stress of the past few busy days and missing her daddy who has been away from home more lately. Then she asked me to rock her, so I stood up, cradled her in my arms, turned out the lights and rocked her back and forth. Then we laid down in bed and she laid on my chest. I told her she used to sleep on my chest like that all the time when she was a baby. We snuggled for a long time.
The myth is that if parents let their kids scream and cry and be dramatic that they will *always* act that way and *never* learn that it's not socially acceptable in public. I don't believe that anymore. She is 4, practically still a baby, and still needs me to be her anchor in the middle of her storm. In fact, who doesn't need someone else to be an anchor now and then?! I am so glad that when I need a good cry, D doesn't tell me to take it somewhere else, he doesn't push me away or scold me or tell me to suck it up. He just holds me and lets me get it all out and lets me know he understands.
I don't want my kids to be in their 20's before they learn that it's ok to cry in front of the people who love you and care about you. I don't want them to have 20 years worth of tears to cry at that point either. In order for something to heal, it has to be acknowledged and accepted and then dealt with. I want them to be able to work through that process on a daily basis over things small and large. I want them to reach for healing as naturally and quickly as they would reach for a salve for a burn. And when they have kids of their own, they won't feel uncomfortable or afraid in the face of their children's fear.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
E's Emotional Eating/ Nature vs. Nurture
I have said before that I am often pleased and surprised with the food choices E makes. She does not always eat what I would choose for her if I were choosing for her. But on a daily basis, she chooses fruits and veges over sweets, she does not binge on food, and she can easily put food (including sweets) down when she is in the middle of it just as soon she's had the last satisfying bite. (I struggle hard with this, and will just keep going until it's gone, then go back for seconds, even if I am no longer enjoying it, though it is getting easier.) I have also said before that I see her choosing food because of taste, texture, excitement to try something new, fun, experimentation and most importantly hunger. It seemed like she was not choosing because of emotional reasons, such as feelings of restriction/deprivation, out of rebellion or as a way to deal with sadness, fear, loneliness, etc.
I still see that she is not choosing food because of feelings of restriction or rebellion, because we do not restrict her food therefore there is nothing against which to rebel. However, I am noticing some emotional eating in the sense that she is sometimes turning to food when she is sad, lonely or tired.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom about food and emotional eating and she commented that she remembered that E used to ALWAYS be hungry. I have been thinking about that and it is true, she has been saying "I'm hungry!" 183,909 times a day since the day she was born. She's usually not hungry when she says that though, and it has been a source of frustration in our house in the past. We often have food out on the table or easy snacks to grab in the fridge so that when she utters those words for the 3 millionth time that day we can simply answer "There's food on the table" without having to get up and get her something AGAIN that she doesn't eat.
And that's the thing... She usually doesn't eat it. For the first couple of years of her life, being a new parent, not very in tuned or aware, and completely emotionally clueless myself, I thought that it was just one of those kid things she would outgrow. Then as I began to learn how to identify my own emotions and realize how often I stuff them down, I noticed that she says she is hungry when she doesn't know how to express what she is really feeling. So, I started giving her the words tired, sad, angry. However, I was still not being very open to allowing her to express those emotions, sending her to her room or getting angry about "temper tantrums." (That is another whole post in itself!)
Over the last couple of years, as I have worked on a lot of my own emotional issues, learned to express my emotions in healthier ways and learned to accept hers (usually!), her constant requests for food have definitely lessened. However, I still see that she does it. In fact, just today I was on the phone with my mom and E and I had a tiff over the office light. She melted down crying and I offered to let her talk to my mom. She calmed down and talked to her, but also went straight for the watermelon on the table and told my mom "Only food makes me feel better." Now, I know that "only" was just 4 year old exaggeration, because she has also told me that snuggles or playing or other things help her feel better. But it reminded me that she still has some healing to do.
I say "healing" because I believe that damage has been done and it started when she was only 3 months old. I went back to work, 40 hours a week and a few months after that I started working 60 hours a week until she was a year old. She nursed on demand whenever I was home, and was held in her daddy's arms all day, but she would not take a bottle of expressed milk. She would not take a finger feeder, sippy cup, eye dropper, regular cup or anything else we tried to get milk into her. We ended up starting her on solids at 4 months. I was quickly able to change my schedule to be able to come home on lunch breaks, but she still went 5 hours in the morning and then 5 hours after lunch every day without eating and she cried all the time. She was always hungry! While I do believe it is biologically normal and perfectly healthy for nursing to be for both food and comfort, she must have been physically and emotionally on over drive, swapping between extreme hunger and sadness for hours to suddenly having food and comfort on demand for hours, then back to hunger and sadness.
I have started occasionally asking her "are you hungry or lonely" when she expresses hunger, and she often answers lonely. Or I will say "do you want that (item of food) or would you like to play together?)" She knows she is free to say both, but often she will say that she would just like to play together. This is one more reason I am SO GLAD we have chosen to parent this way. With my emotional eating issues, the feelings of restriction (even the ones in my own mind about what I "should" eat) have a huge effect on the amounts I over eat and the unhealthy foods I choose.
I do believe there are nature issues at work here as well. In the nature vs. nurture debate, I tend to fall on the side of nurture usually being the main influence, but nature causing genetic tendencies that nurture can potentially expound upon in either healthy or unhealthy ways. D and I both have family histories of addiction, so I believe that there is a genetic component to her addictive tendency toward food. I think that addictive tendency could have played out in other ways had the circumstances been different, but the particular set of circumstances that has influenced her life so far led toward food.
I am glad that we can provide her an environment, support and awareness that is mostly free of the types of things that can cause food addiction, overeating, binging, and emotional eating. She does not have to deal with factors such as restriction, deprivation, extreme stress or fear, lack of emotional support or empathy, and comments about weight or body image. Instead, we can raise her with an awareness of this tendency (offering observations, not telling her how she feels) and support as she explores how her own body feels emotionally and physically in different circumstances and with different foods. We can partner with her to help her meet her needs, physically and emotionally, as she learns exactly what those are and how to express them.
I still see that she is not choosing food because of feelings of restriction or rebellion, because we do not restrict her food therefore there is nothing against which to rebel. However, I am noticing some emotional eating in the sense that she is sometimes turning to food when she is sad, lonely or tired.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom about food and emotional eating and she commented that she remembered that E used to ALWAYS be hungry. I have been thinking about that and it is true, she has been saying "I'm hungry!" 183,909 times a day since the day she was born. She's usually not hungry when she says that though, and it has been a source of frustration in our house in the past. We often have food out on the table or easy snacks to grab in the fridge so that when she utters those words for the 3 millionth time that day we can simply answer "There's food on the table" without having to get up and get her something AGAIN that she doesn't eat.
And that's the thing... She usually doesn't eat it. For the first couple of years of her life, being a new parent, not very in tuned or aware, and completely emotionally clueless myself, I thought that it was just one of those kid things she would outgrow. Then as I began to learn how to identify my own emotions and realize how often I stuff them down, I noticed that she says she is hungry when she doesn't know how to express what she is really feeling. So, I started giving her the words tired, sad, angry. However, I was still not being very open to allowing her to express those emotions, sending her to her room or getting angry about "temper tantrums." (That is another whole post in itself!)
Over the last couple of years, as I have worked on a lot of my own emotional issues, learned to express my emotions in healthier ways and learned to accept hers (usually!), her constant requests for food have definitely lessened. However, I still see that she does it. In fact, just today I was on the phone with my mom and E and I had a tiff over the office light. She melted down crying and I offered to let her talk to my mom. She calmed down and talked to her, but also went straight for the watermelon on the table and told my mom "Only food makes me feel better." Now, I know that "only" was just 4 year old exaggeration, because she has also told me that snuggles or playing or other things help her feel better. But it reminded me that she still has some healing to do.
I say "healing" because I believe that damage has been done and it started when she was only 3 months old. I went back to work, 40 hours a week and a few months after that I started working 60 hours a week until she was a year old. She nursed on demand whenever I was home, and was held in her daddy's arms all day, but she would not take a bottle of expressed milk. She would not take a finger feeder, sippy cup, eye dropper, regular cup or anything else we tried to get milk into her. We ended up starting her on solids at 4 months. I was quickly able to change my schedule to be able to come home on lunch breaks, but she still went 5 hours in the morning and then 5 hours after lunch every day without eating and she cried all the time. She was always hungry! While I do believe it is biologically normal and perfectly healthy for nursing to be for both food and comfort, she must have been physically and emotionally on over drive, swapping between extreme hunger and sadness for hours to suddenly having food and comfort on demand for hours, then back to hunger and sadness.
I have started occasionally asking her "are you hungry or lonely" when she expresses hunger, and she often answers lonely. Or I will say "do you want that (item of food) or would you like to play together?)" She knows she is free to say both, but often she will say that she would just like to play together. This is one more reason I am SO GLAD we have chosen to parent this way. With my emotional eating issues, the feelings of restriction (even the ones in my own mind about what I "should" eat) have a huge effect on the amounts I over eat and the unhealthy foods I choose.
I do believe there are nature issues at work here as well. In the nature vs. nurture debate, I tend to fall on the side of nurture usually being the main influence, but nature causing genetic tendencies that nurture can potentially expound upon in either healthy or unhealthy ways. D and I both have family histories of addiction, so I believe that there is a genetic component to her addictive tendency toward food. I think that addictive tendency could have played out in other ways had the circumstances been different, but the particular set of circumstances that has influenced her life so far led toward food.
I am glad that we can provide her an environment, support and awareness that is mostly free of the types of things that can cause food addiction, overeating, binging, and emotional eating. She does not have to deal with factors such as restriction, deprivation, extreme stress or fear, lack of emotional support or empathy, and comments about weight or body image. Instead, we can raise her with an awareness of this tendency (offering observations, not telling her how she feels) and support as she explores how her own body feels emotionally and physically in different circumstances and with different foods. We can partner with her to help her meet her needs, physically and emotionally, as she learns exactly what those are and how to express them.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Mostly Raw Chocolate Chip Or Chocolate Swirl Cookies
I think these would be considered raw. Or mostly raw. The olive oil isn't, but coconut oil can be. Honey can be, but I don't know about agave nectar. So, whatever! Either way, they are a heck of a lot better than regular old chocolate chip cookies. I love my yummy, vegan cooked chocolate chip cookies, but I made those and these at the same time, and these are way better.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
2 ½ cups raw cashews, ground into flour
¼ cup honey (agave nectar)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/8 cup olive oil (coconut oil)
Raw Chocolate Chips
2 Tablespoons olive oil (coconut oil)
1 cup cocoa powder ( ½ cocoa, ½ carob)
4 Tablespoons honey (agave nectar)
2 teaspoons vanilla
Grind raw cashews in food processor or blender until it's flour (or leave a few bigger chunks if you want the cookies to be a little crunchy). Mix cashew flour, honey or agave, vanilla extract and oil in a bowl.
Mix all ingredients for chocolate chips in a bowl. Cover a cookie sheet with wax paper and spread chocolate evenly. Place in the freezer until hard (1 hour approx.). Take it out and chop frozen chocolate into chip size pieces. Mix with the dough.
Place tablespoon sized drops of cookie dough on a cookie sheet and place in the fridge until firm. Or just eat them now, even though they are squishy!
Variations: Don't bother with putting the chocolate in the freezer to make chips. Just mix the chocolate into the dough until it's swirled. Now you have Chocolate Swirl Cookies.
These is a combination of two recipes and my own variations.
http://ohsheglows.com/2009/05/03/raw-chocolate-chip-cookies/
http://thesunnyrawkitchen.blogspot.com/2008/06/recipe-of-week-chocolate-chip-cookies.html
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
2 ½ cups raw cashews, ground into flour
¼ cup honey (agave nectar)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/8 cup olive oil (coconut oil)
Raw Chocolate Chips
2 Tablespoons olive oil (coconut oil)
1 cup cocoa powder ( ½ cocoa, ½ carob)
4 Tablespoons honey (agave nectar)
2 teaspoons vanilla
Grind raw cashews in food processor or blender until it's flour (or leave a few bigger chunks if you want the cookies to be a little crunchy). Mix cashew flour, honey or agave, vanilla extract and oil in a bowl.
Mix all ingredients for chocolate chips in a bowl. Cover a cookie sheet with wax paper and spread chocolate evenly. Place in the freezer until hard (1 hour approx.). Take it out and chop frozen chocolate into chip size pieces. Mix with the dough.
Place tablespoon sized drops of cookie dough on a cookie sheet and place in the fridge until firm. Or just eat them now, even though they are squishy!
Variations: Don't bother with putting the chocolate in the freezer to make chips. Just mix the chocolate into the dough until it's swirled. Now you have Chocolate Swirl Cookies.
These is a combination of two recipes and my own variations.
http://ohsheglows.com/2009/05/03/raw-chocolate-chip-cookies/
http://thesunnyrawkitchen.blogspot.com/2008/06/recipe-of-week-chocolate-chip-cookies.html
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
More on unschooling, food, health
This was a response I started to a comment in on my last post. It got so long, I decided to turn it into it's own post. I have to admit answering someone's question like this feels awkward. My kids are still so little, I'm just figuring this stuff out, and there are so many more experienced unschoolers out there. I recommend the Always Learning yahoo group as a great place to ask questions. It is a very *idea* oriented discussion group, not about support or being personal (though they share many real stories of their real unschooling lives!). It's good to read for a while and get the feel for the group before jumping in.
Hi Erin! You said:
"how would a 3 year old know what is healthy if I don't teach it?"
I would ask, what would a 3 year old be expected to do with the information that candy is unhealthy? I wouldn't expect a 3 year old to understand all the complexities of what "unhealthy" means, remember which foods are unhealthy, and make a decision based on that (especially if a beloved family member is pushing it on them).
Besides, what is the definition of "unhealthy?" Someone can say "chocolate is unhealthy." Well, are they talking about a Hershey's bar or my homemade chocolate chips with just cocoa, raw honey and olive oil? Is it the chocolate that's unhealthy or all the additives in the candy bars? What about all the vitamins and antioxidants in cocoa? How about the recent controversy over agave? Some nutritionists claim it's very healthy and a great alternative to sugar, others say it's bad for us. Some people feel great on raw vegan, others feel great on a traditional foods diet.
My point is that while some things are pretty universally agreed upon as unhealthy, like MSG for instance, many, many more things are gray areas. If adults with degrees can't figure it out, I won't expect my kids to.
I also find it ironic that many times parents *do* allow a lot of unhealthy food, but only up to their own comfort level, which many times doesn't make sense. Some people would never let their kid have candy for breakfast, but will allow sugary, processed cereal. Or they won't allow a donut for lunch, but will give them a sandwhich with sugary peanut butter and jelly (same ingredients! processed wheat and sugar, just a different form).
I don't "teach" my kids about healthy vs. unhealthy food. We live life and eat and notice how food makes our bodies feel and learn about how our bodies work and talk about how certain foods work in our bodies.
If I over eat or have too much sugar, I will mention that my stomach hurts or I have a headache or I'm tired or whatever I'm feeling, because of what I ate. I'm sharing my experience, and that may or may not be the experience they have when they eat those foods. If it is, hearing my experience will help them make the connection. If that is not their experience, then I haven't told them any lies by saying "if you eat that, you won't feel good!" and then having them not trust me because it didn't come true.
My 4 year old is very interested in how our bodies work to the point that we have looked at every kid's body book at the library and have moved on to the adult anatomy and physiology books. Part of that has been discussions about our digestive systems and what our bodies need to thrive. I have told her that fruits and veges have vitamins and minerals that we need. We've talked about water cleansing our bodies. We've talked about how sugar can give a person a burst of energy, but then a crash and *maybe* a headache or fatigue.
If we are at Winco and she wants candy, I say that we'll get it at Trader Joes. When she asks why, I tell her about the ingredients in the stuff at Winco vs. Trader Joes.
If she has candy or something and offers it to me, I decline. When she asks why, I tell her why *I* choose not to eat that food.
All of this comes up in the course of every day conversations and interactions.
As far as family members goes, can you just let them know that you're trying to eat healthier and you wold appreciate if they didn't push that stuff on him? If he asks, fine, but please don't offer it. Or buy some better alternatives, like Hansens soda or organic, agave sweetened candy, and either give it to them to give him or just have it with you as one of his options. Or find something truly healthy and sweet that he likes, like dates or figs or raw chocolate bars (Pure, Lara and Raw Revolution are good brands), and break those out when the family starts offering other things. Don't make a big deal out of it to him, just give him more, better options. Expand his possibilities so that he knows what choices are out there.
Hi Erin! You said:
"how would a 3 year old know what is healthy if I don't teach it?"
I would ask, what would a 3 year old be expected to do with the information that candy is unhealthy? I wouldn't expect a 3 year old to understand all the complexities of what "unhealthy" means, remember which foods are unhealthy, and make a decision based on that (especially if a beloved family member is pushing it on them).
Besides, what is the definition of "unhealthy?" Someone can say "chocolate is unhealthy." Well, are they talking about a Hershey's bar or my homemade chocolate chips with just cocoa, raw honey and olive oil? Is it the chocolate that's unhealthy or all the additives in the candy bars? What about all the vitamins and antioxidants in cocoa? How about the recent controversy over agave? Some nutritionists claim it's very healthy and a great alternative to sugar, others say it's bad for us. Some people feel great on raw vegan, others feel great on a traditional foods diet.
My point is that while some things are pretty universally agreed upon as unhealthy, like MSG for instance, many, many more things are gray areas. If adults with degrees can't figure it out, I won't expect my kids to.
I also find it ironic that many times parents *do* allow a lot of unhealthy food, but only up to their own comfort level, which many times doesn't make sense. Some people would never let their kid have candy for breakfast, but will allow sugary, processed cereal. Or they won't allow a donut for lunch, but will give them a sandwhich with sugary peanut butter and jelly (same ingredients! processed wheat and sugar, just a different form).
I don't "teach" my kids about healthy vs. unhealthy food. We live life and eat and notice how food makes our bodies feel and learn about how our bodies work and talk about how certain foods work in our bodies.
If I over eat or have too much sugar, I will mention that my stomach hurts or I have a headache or I'm tired or whatever I'm feeling, because of what I ate. I'm sharing my experience, and that may or may not be the experience they have when they eat those foods. If it is, hearing my experience will help them make the connection. If that is not their experience, then I haven't told them any lies by saying "if you eat that, you won't feel good!" and then having them not trust me because it didn't come true.
My 4 year old is very interested in how our bodies work to the point that we have looked at every kid's body book at the library and have moved on to the adult anatomy and physiology books. Part of that has been discussions about our digestive systems and what our bodies need to thrive. I have told her that fruits and veges have vitamins and minerals that we need. We've talked about water cleansing our bodies. We've talked about how sugar can give a person a burst of energy, but then a crash and *maybe* a headache or fatigue.
If we are at Winco and she wants candy, I say that we'll get it at Trader Joes. When she asks why, I tell her about the ingredients in the stuff at Winco vs. Trader Joes.
If she has candy or something and offers it to me, I decline. When she asks why, I tell her why *I* choose not to eat that food.
All of this comes up in the course of every day conversations and interactions.
As far as family members goes, can you just let them know that you're trying to eat healthier and you wold appreciate if they didn't push that stuff on him? If he asks, fine, but please don't offer it. Or buy some better alternatives, like Hansens soda or organic, agave sweetened candy, and either give it to them to give him or just have it with you as one of his options. Or find something truly healthy and sweet that he likes, like dates or figs or raw chocolate bars (Pure, Lara and Raw Revolution are good brands), and break those out when the family starts offering other things. Don't make a big deal out of it to him, just give him more, better options. Expand his possibilities so that he knows what choices are out there.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Radical Unschooling and Raw Foods
Or substitute "raw foods" for whatever your version of a healthy diet is.
Sound like an oxymoron? It was to me a few years ago.
I easily understood unschooling from an academic perspective, and it didn't take long for me to get it from a discipline perspective. But food and tv were hard to rethink and let go of the control!
Right around E's 3rd birthday, I made the jump and decided that I would not restrict food anymore. Up until then, I was a stressed out food-nazi, manically checking every label of everything that went into her mouth, ripping into my husband for giving her organic crackers or baby food instead of fruit, feeling like a horrible mother if we ate at a restaurant and she had the dreaded evil of evils- french fries!
I let that go (not over night, of course, it was a process that is still on going in some ways) and it felt so freeing. I realized that food was not something I needed to or should *control.* And that's really what it was all about. I had an ideal in my head that I wanted to live out, and the only way I saw to do that was to control the whole situation, my daughter and even other people who came in contact with her. It was under the guise of what was best for her, and I really did think I was doing it because I wanted her to be healthy. But I was over thinking physical health and entirely missing spiritual and emotional health for both of us. As with most things, the key is balance and being her partner, not her prison guard.
The last year has been so interesting watching the choices that E makes about her food. She does eat what some would consider "junk," but when I watch how she makes those choices, it's not about rebellion, fear that she'll never see it again, desperation, feeling deprived, emotional eating.... all the things that are symptoms of restriction. Instead, her choices are based on taste, smell, texture, hunger, experimentation, camaraderie, and enjoyment. She doesn't always make the choices that I would make if I were choosing for her, but every day I see her make healthy choices. In fact, I'm often surprised at how healthy her choices are, because I'm used to seeing kids who are "jonesing for their next fix" and will binge on things or sneak foods out of desperation, and she doesn't need to do that.
Two days ago, E asked for a cookie which she never ate because she decided to have the cucumber I gave her instead. The same day L literally spit out a cookie on the floor when I offered her an orange. Two weeks ago E's special requests at the grocery store were blueberries and Fruit Loops. The blueberries lasted about an hour. I still have some fruit loops in the cupboard. This week she has had some cookies, ice cream, chips, spaghetti (with organic sauce and raw tomatoes), and oatmeal (with nothing but rice milk). She's had FAR more apples, bananas, grapes, berries, melon, cabbage, carrots, pears, oranges, cashews, raw bars, tomatoes, avocados, cucumber, plum, nectarine......
So, back to raw foods. I have been eating a diet much higher in raw foods for the last 6-8 weeks. I tried "going raw" before, and it never lasted long, but I would try to drag my family into it with me. I'd guilt trip my husband into committing to 2 weeks with me or committing to 80% or whatever. I'd be extra vigilant about what the kids were eating (well, really just E since L was not born yet or a little baby at that time). Keep in mind that "extra vigilant" means in *addition* to the food-nazi normal. I always fell off the band wagon, so on top of feeling guilty about my own failure, I felt guilty about letting my kids down.
Now that I see radical unschooling at work in relation to food, I can't imagine going back to controlling and restricting my daughter's diet. At the same time, I am eating a very high raw diet, and trying to provide the same for my family. So, how does that work?
1. I keep my diet ideals as *my* ideals. I quit projecting them onto other people as what they "should" be doing. I'm much gentler on myself too. I haven't made any commitments, I'm just eating what I know will help me feel good- physically, spiritually, mentally- in that moment. This is what helps *me* feel good, but I recognize that it is not the same for everyone. Some people feel great on a Traditional Foods diet or some other whole foods diet, and those people could end up being people in my family.
2. I put relationships before anything else. Eating food is too common of an event to be a stressful one. I would rather see my daughters eating a candy bar, laughing, enjoying themselves and enjoying my company, than eating cabbage leaves, crying, with our relationship stressed and strained, resentment filling the air. Now, I'm not posing those as the only two options! In fact, just yesterday my kids were happily munching away on cabbage leaves freshly picked with their own hands from a community garden. But IF *in that moment* I have a choice between letting my kids eat unhealthy food in peace and joy, or creating a memory full of anger and resentment, I will choose the the peace and joy.
3. Options, options, options! Not restricting food is not the same as an apathetic "eat whatever you want, I don't care." I trust that with a childhood full of options, experiences and information my children will have the ability to make healthy choices, unhindered by feelings of guilt, resentment, or other emotional baggage. I try to keep my kitchen full of quick, easy fruits or raw goodies to grab, and offer those along side other things my kids might choose. For example, today E asked for an ice cream which we have because D has an ice cream truck business. I gave her the ice cream, and spooned a little of it into a bowl for L. Then I put half an avocado in a bowl and cut up some oranges and set those on the table without a word. Both kids ditched the ice cream. L ate a few slices of orange and E ate the avocado and then both got down to play. I didn't even notice until about half an hour later when I saw the ice cream that they had barely touched, melting. I asked E if she was done with it, which she was, so I threw it away.
4. Alternatives. I am lucky to live right down the street from both Trader Joe's and Whole Foods, so it makes this pretty easy. If E wants chips, cookies, ice cream, etc. I will usually get it at Trader Joe's. I am well aware that it's still not whole foods, but it is often organic and almost always free of preservatives, artificial colors, flavors, msg, hfcs, etc. Another option is homemade. E's favorite cookies are my homemade chocolate chip cookies which are vegan and made with whole wheat flour and honey instead of sugar. Last week, I learned how to make raw chocolate chip cookies, including raw chips and she liked those as well. Tonight I made raw banana cream pie and strawberry cream pie.
5. Accepting what IS. It's a fact of life that whether we're talking about food or anything else, things will not always be our ideal, go as planned or meet our preferences. I'm learning, though this is a hard one for me, to accept was IS rather than spend time worrying about the future, regretting the past, or resisting reality. It is a reality for me that my husband owns his own business driving an ice cream truck. Yep, I pay my bills with money from the sales of hfcs to innocent children. In some circles, I feel like I'd admitting to being married to a drug dealer! ;) It's also a reality that my paycheck is not enough to eat as much organic as I'd like. Also, my husband does not eat the same way I do, which means that food I would prefer my kids not to have, that they don't even ask to buy, ends up being one of their options in the house because he brings it in.
There was a time not too long ago, when all of this would have had me in a food-nazi frenzy every.single.day. Not anymore. It is not my *preference* for things to be this way, but the only thing that I *really* have control over is my own attitude, my own actions, and my own responses. I choose to model healthy eating to my kids. I choose to take the time to learn how to make alternatives that they will like. I choose to keep my kitchen clean so it's easy to prepare healthy foods. I choose to take the time to offer them healthy foods, and present those in an appealing way. I choose to support my husband's business, and our mutual desire to be financially independent some day. I choose to be kind to my husband no matter what he is eating, to try to find healthier alternatives that he enjoys, and to support his journey.
Ultimately, I have no control over the choices my kids will make when they are adults or even teenagers or pre-teens for that matter. As soon as they are old enough to have their own money, stay at friend's houses, go to the store by themselves, the WILL eat whatever they want. What I can do now, is be someone they trust to give them good advice, not just control them. I can let them make lots of little choices now, and give them lots of opportunities for experimenting with how different foods make their bodies feel now. When they are making those choices on their own, I want them to be basing their decisions on what makes their own bodies function the best and weighing that against science or finances or expectations at social gatherings or all the dozens of other factors that come into play when making choices. I don't want that decision making process to be muddied by resentment and "shoulds" and "this would make mom disappointed" and "I'm going to do it just because she said I can't." A temporarily perfectly healthy diet is not worth the potential emotional baggage.
So, that's how I'm living life as both a radical unschooling mom and a woman who's eating a high raw foods diet.
Sound like an oxymoron? It was to me a few years ago.
I easily understood unschooling from an academic perspective, and it didn't take long for me to get it from a discipline perspective. But food and tv were hard to rethink and let go of the control!
Right around E's 3rd birthday, I made the jump and decided that I would not restrict food anymore. Up until then, I was a stressed out food-nazi, manically checking every label of everything that went into her mouth, ripping into my husband for giving her organic crackers or baby food instead of fruit, feeling like a horrible mother if we ate at a restaurant and she had the dreaded evil of evils- french fries!
I let that go (not over night, of course, it was a process that is still on going in some ways) and it felt so freeing. I realized that food was not something I needed to or should *control.* And that's really what it was all about. I had an ideal in my head that I wanted to live out, and the only way I saw to do that was to control the whole situation, my daughter and even other people who came in contact with her. It was under the guise of what was best for her, and I really did think I was doing it because I wanted her to be healthy. But I was over thinking physical health and entirely missing spiritual and emotional health for both of us. As with most things, the key is balance and being her partner, not her prison guard.
The last year has been so interesting watching the choices that E makes about her food. She does eat what some would consider "junk," but when I watch how she makes those choices, it's not about rebellion, fear that she'll never see it again, desperation, feeling deprived, emotional eating.... all the things that are symptoms of restriction. Instead, her choices are based on taste, smell, texture, hunger, experimentation, camaraderie, and enjoyment. She doesn't always make the choices that I would make if I were choosing for her, but every day I see her make healthy choices. In fact, I'm often surprised at how healthy her choices are, because I'm used to seeing kids who are "jonesing for their next fix" and will binge on things or sneak foods out of desperation, and she doesn't need to do that.
Two days ago, E asked for a cookie which she never ate because she decided to have the cucumber I gave her instead. The same day L literally spit out a cookie on the floor when I offered her an orange. Two weeks ago E's special requests at the grocery store were blueberries and Fruit Loops. The blueberries lasted about an hour. I still have some fruit loops in the cupboard. This week she has had some cookies, ice cream, chips, spaghetti (with organic sauce and raw tomatoes), and oatmeal (with nothing but rice milk). She's had FAR more apples, bananas, grapes, berries, melon, cabbage, carrots, pears, oranges, cashews, raw bars, tomatoes, avocados, cucumber, plum, nectarine......
So, back to raw foods. I have been eating a diet much higher in raw foods for the last 6-8 weeks. I tried "going raw" before, and it never lasted long, but I would try to drag my family into it with me. I'd guilt trip my husband into committing to 2 weeks with me or committing to 80% or whatever. I'd be extra vigilant about what the kids were eating (well, really just E since L was not born yet or a little baby at that time). Keep in mind that "extra vigilant" means in *addition* to the food-nazi normal. I always fell off the band wagon, so on top of feeling guilty about my own failure, I felt guilty about letting my kids down.
Now that I see radical unschooling at work in relation to food, I can't imagine going back to controlling and restricting my daughter's diet. At the same time, I am eating a very high raw diet, and trying to provide the same for my family. So, how does that work?
1. I keep my diet ideals as *my* ideals. I quit projecting them onto other people as what they "should" be doing. I'm much gentler on myself too. I haven't made any commitments, I'm just eating what I know will help me feel good- physically, spiritually, mentally- in that moment. This is what helps *me* feel good, but I recognize that it is not the same for everyone. Some people feel great on a Traditional Foods diet or some other whole foods diet, and those people could end up being people in my family.
2. I put relationships before anything else. Eating food is too common of an event to be a stressful one. I would rather see my daughters eating a candy bar, laughing, enjoying themselves and enjoying my company, than eating cabbage leaves, crying, with our relationship stressed and strained, resentment filling the air. Now, I'm not posing those as the only two options! In fact, just yesterday my kids were happily munching away on cabbage leaves freshly picked with their own hands from a community garden. But IF *in that moment* I have a choice between letting my kids eat unhealthy food in peace and joy, or creating a memory full of anger and resentment, I will choose the the peace and joy.
3. Options, options, options! Not restricting food is not the same as an apathetic "eat whatever you want, I don't care." I trust that with a childhood full of options, experiences and information my children will have the ability to make healthy choices, unhindered by feelings of guilt, resentment, or other emotional baggage. I try to keep my kitchen full of quick, easy fruits or raw goodies to grab, and offer those along side other things my kids might choose. For example, today E asked for an ice cream which we have because D has an ice cream truck business. I gave her the ice cream, and spooned a little of it into a bowl for L. Then I put half an avocado in a bowl and cut up some oranges and set those on the table without a word. Both kids ditched the ice cream. L ate a few slices of orange and E ate the avocado and then both got down to play. I didn't even notice until about half an hour later when I saw the ice cream that they had barely touched, melting. I asked E if she was done with it, which she was, so I threw it away.
4. Alternatives. I am lucky to live right down the street from both Trader Joe's and Whole Foods, so it makes this pretty easy. If E wants chips, cookies, ice cream, etc. I will usually get it at Trader Joe's. I am well aware that it's still not whole foods, but it is often organic and almost always free of preservatives, artificial colors, flavors, msg, hfcs, etc. Another option is homemade. E's favorite cookies are my homemade chocolate chip cookies which are vegan and made with whole wheat flour and honey instead of sugar. Last week, I learned how to make raw chocolate chip cookies, including raw chips and she liked those as well. Tonight I made raw banana cream pie and strawberry cream pie.
5. Accepting what IS. It's a fact of life that whether we're talking about food or anything else, things will not always be our ideal, go as planned or meet our preferences. I'm learning, though this is a hard one for me, to accept was IS rather than spend time worrying about the future, regretting the past, or resisting reality. It is a reality for me that my husband owns his own business driving an ice cream truck. Yep, I pay my bills with money from the sales of hfcs to innocent children. In some circles, I feel like I'd admitting to being married to a drug dealer! ;) It's also a reality that my paycheck is not enough to eat as much organic as I'd like. Also, my husband does not eat the same way I do, which means that food I would prefer my kids not to have, that they don't even ask to buy, ends up being one of their options in the house because he brings it in.
There was a time not too long ago, when all of this would have had me in a food-nazi frenzy every.single.day. Not anymore. It is not my *preference* for things to be this way, but the only thing that I *really* have control over is my own attitude, my own actions, and my own responses. I choose to model healthy eating to my kids. I choose to take the time to learn how to make alternatives that they will like. I choose to keep my kitchen clean so it's easy to prepare healthy foods. I choose to take the time to offer them healthy foods, and present those in an appealing way. I choose to support my husband's business, and our mutual desire to be financially independent some day. I choose to be kind to my husband no matter what he is eating, to try to find healthier alternatives that he enjoys, and to support his journey.
Ultimately, I have no control over the choices my kids will make when they are adults or even teenagers or pre-teens for that matter. As soon as they are old enough to have their own money, stay at friend's houses, go to the store by themselves, the WILL eat whatever they want. What I can do now, is be someone they trust to give them good advice, not just control them. I can let them make lots of little choices now, and give them lots of opportunities for experimenting with how different foods make their bodies feel now. When they are making those choices on their own, I want them to be basing their decisions on what makes their own bodies function the best and weighing that against science or finances or expectations at social gatherings or all the dozens of other factors that come into play when making choices. I don't want that decision making process to be muddied by resentment and "shoulds" and "this would make mom disappointed" and "I'm going to do it just because she said I can't." A temporarily perfectly healthy diet is not worth the potential emotional baggage.
So, that's how I'm living life as both a radical unschooling mom and a woman who's eating a high raw foods diet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)