Peace On Dark Nights

Testing a Hypothesis

2012-01-27T14:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday E was playing with this slime we made, and she said that she was doing a test. I asked her what she was testing, and she said that if she held the slime up and hit it with the knife, she wanted to see if it would go to the left or the right. "Like on Mythbusters! They test things."

I said that she was right. They do experiments. She said, "No they test things." So I explained that is what an experiment is- testing a hypothesis. I gave her some examples.

Then she said "My hypothesis is that if I hold the slime up, it will be easy to cut." Then she did it and said, "And it's true!"

She did a few other tests to see of the slime would fall one way or the other, and if it was easier to cut with a steak knife or a butter knife.

Would You Let Her Quit?

2012-01-24T16:12:00.000-08:00

E is in a local musical theater production called Best of Broadway. After she was selected from the auditions, someone asked me "What if she wants to quit? What if she doesn't feel like going to rehearsal one day? Would you just let her quit?"

This person asked me this, because she has heard me voice my opinion on forcing kids to do things in which they are not interested. So she wondered if E lost interest, what was I going to do?

I told her that, first of all, E and I would be having a discussion about commitments, and we did. I told E what was going to be expected of her, how many days a week she would be rehearsing and I showed her on the calendar how long the rehearsals would last and when the show would take place. I told her that if she wanted to do this, she needed to commit to doing every rehearsal. I explained that the people who direct the show chose people from the auditions who they think will do a good job in their part, and that they are depending on each person to do their part. If people don't show up or don't what they are supposed to do, it could ruin the show or at the very least inconvenience the directors and other actors.

E saw the show last March, so she knew somewhat what to expect the final production would look like. When she saw it last year, she said "I want to do that! I want to be on the stage!" and she waited for 7 months for the auditions for this year's show to roll around. She was excited to do the auditions and be in the play.

She didn't know, however, exactly what the rehearsals would be like. For the first rehearsal, our day worked out in such a way that we had to get there an hour early and the girls spent that time running around and playing. It was 6 pm when the rehearsal started and she was tired. I tried to get her to spend a few minutes taking some deep breaths and getting centered before it started, but she wouldn't. We were all in a small room that echoed every noise and the music was LOUD. She got totally overwhelmed with the noise after already feeling tired and out of sorts. She tried to participate, but we had to leave the room several times for her to pull herself together.

I gave her some Rescue Remedy and let her leave the room when she needed to, but I also reminded her that this was part of practicing for the final production that she wanted to do. I told her that I didn't think every rehearsal would be like this and that once she got into the swing of things that it would probably be easier.

The next day we were talking about it and I said, "If you don't want to do this, it's ok. But it seems like you want to do this, but you were overwhelmed and tired last night." She agreed that was the case. I said, "Let's come up with some ideas that will make the next rehearsal easier so you don't feel so overwhelmed."

She agreed that just knowing what to expect the next time- the loud music and many people- would be helpful. She was totally surprised by that the first time. We talked about getting centered before the rehearsal started, bringing Rescue Remedy, making sure she ate immediately beforehand, bringing a water bottle, and being well rested.

We have implemented those ideas, and she has now done 5 rehearsals, and she enjoys them. There are times in between songs for her to talk and play with new friends, and they just started adding dance choreography to the singing which she likes. It is hard work, but so far, it is worth it to her. Before the last rehearsal, she asked me if she could skip it because she was a little sick. I reminded her that if she didn't do the rehearsals, she wouldn't be able to be in the play. She said ok, and by the time it was over, she didn't want to leave!

So would I let her quit if she changed her mind? The simple answer is yes! I mean, seriously, all ethics and parenting philosophy aside, how DO you force a child to be in a play? Threaten to spank them if they don't sing? Ground them from doing anything else if they don't smile big enough? How does one justify making a child's life miserable to try to teach them to never quit? To me that just says "My reputation is more important than your happiness" or "I think you're such a lazy worthless bum that you'd never do anything worthwhile if I didn't force you."

Fortunately, there is a lot of distance between forcing a child to do something in which they are not interested, and shrugging your shoulders and letting them quit when they say they don't feel like doing it today. That distance includes:

Not forcing them to start things in which they aren't interested in the first place.

Giving them a clear picture of what will be expected and then leaving the choice up to them.

Explaining what team work means and that there are people depending on them.

Not putting a child who is too young to understand those concepts in that position.

Supporting them by providing the practical things and the emotional help they need to continue.

Ultimately, I want my children to remember that I did everything in my power to support their interests and to encourage them in the things they enjoy even when those things were hard. I also want them to remember that no activity was more important than our relationship, and that I was supportive of them stopping an activity that they felt, for whatever reason, was no longer beneficial to them.

The play is in March, so stay tuned for pictures!

Birds and Thank You Notes

2012-01-23T16:55:00.000-08:00

A few recent natural learning moments:

Birds
A few days ago, as E and I were snuggling in bed after having just woken up, she said, "Mom, are eagles nocturnal like owls?" She was suddenly, for no apparent reason, interested in eagles and owls and asked me a ton of questions. So we looked them up. We read that eagles are raptors and hunt for their food, as opposed to scavengers who find dead things. I told her how the Bald Eagle is a symbol of America. On a website about owls, she recognized the Barn Owl and the Snowy Owl from the movie Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole. We looked for a website that might have a game or something for kids to learn about birds. Unfortunately, all we could find is one that used information about birds to teach spelling and reading. She played on it for a few minutes and L enjoyed the puzzles on the site, but it wasn't really what we were looking for. If anyone knows about a site for kids about birds, please share it!

From owlpages.com

Thank You Notes

Yesterday, we wrote thank you notes to family members and friends who had given us Hanukkah gifts. E wrote the names on the fronts, wrote "thank you" and signed her name. L decorated with pictures and glitter. I wrote the words on a different piece of paper and E copied them. By the third one, she wrote "thank" from memory, without looking at what I wrote and she was very excited about that.

What I mean when I say "Radical Unschooling"

2012-01-22T17:21:00.000-08:00

I've recently blogged about how even though we are radical unschoolers, I still make plans, and that I even have a schedule. I've even mentioned workbooks and flashcards! My intent was to address the idea that radical unschooling is complete chaos or totally "child-led." On the flip side of that notion is the idea that unschooling is just anything in the world. Some people claim they are unschooling their children during the summer break from school! If that were, true than the word would be completely meaningless.

So for the sake of clarity, this is what I am talking about when I say we are radical unschoolers:

First of all, by the technical definition, I recognize that we may or may not be considered to be *really* unschooling yet. Unschooling is a form of homeschooling and one is not homeschooling until they have made the choice to not put their child in school. That choice can only be made once the child is "school aged" and my oldest child's birthday missed the cut off date for our state's compulsory attendance laws by one day. This September, we will have to make the choice to either go through the process to legally homeschool, put her in school or be breaking the law. Obviously, we have every intention of homeschooling, but we aren't, technically, there yet. One could say, however, that "school aged" is when their child is expected to be in school by the cultural standard, which would be between ages 3 and 5 depending on the prevailing attitude of the sub-culture in which one lives. By that definition, we are definitely homeschooling and therefore I could say we are technically unschooling as at least one of my children has passed that age. As Sandra Dodd has said, there are no unschooling police who are going to come to your house and say you are doing it wrong or not really doing it. But I like to be clear.

On the other hand, radical unschooling philosophy has immensely and directly impacted how I have parented my children. Because it is as much a parenting philosophy and a way of life as it is an educational choice, I have used it to guide how I raise my children as toddlers and preschoolers.

I could say that because we are radical unschoolers, we don't have bedtimes, don't control food choices, don't control media, and don't use curriculum. But unschooling isn't like converting to a religion that has a list of tenets you must follow. There is no rule that says "Thou shalt not limit thy child's tv time."

Unschooling is about recognizing that children are always learning, and trusting that they know their own bodies and minds better than we ever can. It is about trusting that given the opportunity and through some trial and error, they will learn what works best for them as individuals. It's about supporting their interests and facilitating their exploration. It's about doing the things that build relationships. It's about living by principles of love, respect, and safety, rather than by rules.

So on the one hand, unschooling is not a list of rules to follow. On the other hand, it has to follow some philosophy as part of its definition, otherwise the word is meaningless and useless.

I make choices in our lives that reflect that philosophy. That extends to every part of our lives- sleep, food, media, and chores being the hotly debated and easily categorized ones. It also extends to the things that I mentioned in the beginning like making plans, having a schedule, and using workbooks and flashcards. Those things can *easily* be detrimental to unschooling if the parent is using them to control or because she is afraid her children won't learn without them.

For us, making plans are about doing things and going places as a part of creating a rich environment from which I trust my kids will learn. These things are *optional* for my kids, not required.

Having a schedule is about ME moving through my days in a way that helps me accomplish the things I want to accomplish. It's not about moving my kids through their days or controlling what they do.

I've mentioned workbooks and flashcards, but they are just games to my kids. The flashcards are with the Monopoly, Uno, puzzles and other games and we *treat them the same way.* The workbooks are with the coloring books and we treat those the same way. Each one is one option among many of things to do.

If a person is unclear about their principles and their philosophy, than they can get confused thinking that either things like schedules and bed times are bad and should be avoided at all costs, OR that they can do them in a parent controlled way that is disrespectful to their children and still call it unschooling.

I don't claim to have the one and only undisputed definition of radical unschooling. I think that should be left to the person who most likely coined the term and those who have grown unschooled kids.
I wanted to be clear, however, about what I am referring to when I refer to radical unschooling on this blog.

CENSORED

2012-01-18T12:02:00.000-08:00

What is SOPA?

Play Revisited

2012-01-17T15:30:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about play lately - what it is, how important it is for kids to do, and mostly whether or not it's important for adults to do with them. My thinking on the subject was feeling muddy and undefined and I never like that feeling.

I have had several different stances on what I believe about whether or not I should be my child's playmate. My thoughts have ranged from The Continuum Concept beliefs (that parents should not play with children, but should always be invite them into the adult world) to the Playful Parenting beliefs (that children use play to navigate their emotions and lack of power in the world and that parents should be part of that process).

In a recent message board conversation, I expressed that I believe in a Continuum Concept model with a grain of salt. In other words, I believed that children are hardwired to want to come into the adult world and learn what we do. That play is very important for them, but their interactions with us should be of them moving into the adult world, not us moving into their world of play. But I say "with a grain of salt" because I remember when I only had one child and was pulling heavily from the Continuum Concept beliefs. In some ways it seemed just the way it should be, but we lacked the strong and constantly available community that the tribe in the book had. My child needed a playmate and I (or my husband) was often the only person available.

As the conversation progressed, the other moms expressed their beliefs about play and started defining just what play is.

Some believed that it is very important for parents to play with their children and had fond memories of their parents playing with them.

Some believed that play is a child's work and they loved interacting with their children in other ways, but not through play.

Some would say "I don't play pretend or play with barbies- I hate it. But I will play basketball or soccer with them."

Others would say, "See basketball and soccer is exactly the kind of play I can't stand. But I will do board games and crafts."

I think everyone agreed that getting on the floor and playing blocks or pretend or dolls with a young child is play, but there was no real consensus about things like sports, board games, arts and crafts, reading children's books or having a conversation about an imaginary scenario while folding laundry.

Some of the moms who initially said "I don't play," later conceded that they do, actually, do things like the above that are considered play by some people. I was one of them.

I have been focusing on unschooling for so long, that I haven't really thought much about play or if I "should" be playing with my kids or what that entails exactly. My focus has been on exploring the world with them and connecting with them, regardless of whether that looks like play or adult activities.

I went searching for my old blog posts on the subject and I found this post titled Playful Parenting vs. Playing By Heart, where I compare and contrast the two books by those names. It was kind of weird reading my own post and thinking, "Huh, yah, I guess I was clear in my thoughts about it at one point, but I forgot!"

That post is a bit more focused on competitive vs. cooperative play than where my mind is focused now, but this still resonates with me:

A lot of the book (Playing by Heart: The Vision and Practice of Belonging) was about how original play connects people and builds relationships rather than tearing them down. It's not something we do in our free time, it's something that is a part of the way we can live. It brought me back to all the reading I've been doing on mindful living and meditation. Original play is another aspect to staying in the moment, present and aware. It's living life right now and seeing all the joy and the beauty right in front of us. Experiencing that joy and playing with that moment and the people in it, is original play.

This is unschooling! Just as real life is not divided into the subjects of math, science, and history, it doesn't have to be divided into work and play. It doesn't matter if arts and crafts are considered play or part of moving the child into the adult world! Are they connecting you and your child? Is your child having fun? Are you doing them as a part of a rich environment, in which you are following her interests and expanding her world? If the answer to those is yes, than she is learning. If she is learning than she is that much closer to functioning in the adult world.

That doesn't mean you have to LIKE every form of play either! It's ok to say "Pretending I'm my child's puppy dog makes me want to rip my eyeballs out." Don't think you have to do it to be a "good mom." But find a way to facilitate the things that are important to your child. That might mean playing those games you hate for a while, especially while your child is young, especially if they are an only or first child. Focus on the connection between you and consider that your reaction might be fear of connection itself. Or find your child a playmate (even another adult!) who likes that form of play. Or connect with your child so much in ways you both enjoy that they are genuinely ok with you saying that you don't want to play that particular game.

I no longer care whether I'm "one of those moms who gets on the floor and plays" or "one of those moms who never plays, but connects in other ways." I connect with my kids in ways we both enjoy. I stretch myself to do things that I don't particularly enjoy in the name of connection or their learning. I'm not afraid to say that games like Chutes and Ladders make me want to run screaming from the room. I'm glad that I pushed myself to do it some with my oldest, to get past my fear of connection. I facilitate the play I don't prefer in other ways.

Above all, I will live life focused on relationships and learning, and not divide it into work and play.

Review of Zoodles

2012-01-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

My girls have been playing on Zoodles and they really like it. Here's my review of it.

It pulls games from a wide variety of sites, so I don't have to search for games. It finds them!

Each kid gets their own account and it customizes the games according to her age.

It opens up in a window that takes up the whole screen, so that is the only thing the kids can click on. This is great, because they can't accidentally go to any other websites or mess up any settings.

Along those same lines, once they choose a game, even though it's on an external website, they can only play THAT game. If they want another game they go back to zoodles and pick from the list of games.

Some things that I find to be useless (and maybe even harmful for a parent trying to deschool) is the emphasis on dividing the games into subjects. It creates reports for the parents showing what skills or subjects the child has been learning according to the games they are playing. The parent also has the option to promote certain subjects, so if you think your child isn't playing enough math games, you can make those the only games they see. This is the part they charge for, however. The membership also includes more games and stories, which might make it worth it if my kids get bored of the games and stories available on the free version.

All in all, it's a great site that I wanted to pass on! But if you are new to unschooling, and really excited about the educational controls on it, please read here and let your child play the games she wants just for fun.

Comments are Open

2012-01-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

A friend pointed out to me this evening that she can't comment on my blog because she doesn't have a google account. I'm wondering how many other people have had that problem! So I changed the settings so that anyone can comment, even if you don't have a google account or one of the other accounts that blogger approves. I'm still moderating the comments though, and I won't post anonymous comments. Please be willing to stand by your words enough to at least state your name or internet AKA. :)

I would love to see more comments! For the number of page views I get each month, I'm always surprised that no one comments. I've wondered what on earth some other bloggers are doing to generate so much discussion! So maybe it was just a technical issue. Let me know! I'd love to hear from you!

Communicating with My Three Year Old

2012-01-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Some of the things L says and especially how she says them, really grate on me. It's not her fault though- she is communicating the only way a three year old knows how. I need to work on my issues (again!) so I'm not so irritated with her. She's so sweet, and when I snap at her it breaks her little heart.

When she says, "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of being too slow or intentionally putting her off, and I need her to know that I do want to spend time with her.

When she says "You FORGOT....." I feel irritated, because I perceive that she is accusing me of forgetting something that I am actually working towards and I need her to understand that I am in the process of getting to her request.

When she asks me the same thing five times in rapid succession, I feel irritated because I perceive that she is accusing me of not listening or not paying attention and I need her to know that I do want to respond, but I need a moment to think.

Writing that made a few things clear to me:

-My subconscious, underlying perceptions of the intentions and unspoken implications of a three year old need a serious reality check.

-She is probably feeling frustrated and sad, because she perceives that I am forgetting her, ignoring her, or not listening to her.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true. She is the quiet middle child, and it's far too easy to pass over her when things are hectic or when I am lost in my own thoughts.

Everything I need her to know- that I want to spend time with her, that I am getting to her request, that I want to respond, but need a moment to think- she needs to know too!

So I need to work on better communication with her:

When she is waiting for me to do something, I need to tell her specifically when I will be able to do it and then follow through. If anything changes during that time, I need to tell her clearly. "I will play Monopoly with you. First I'm going to clean off the table, then I'm going to get the dog her food, then we will play." And when that changes, "Oh, I just realized the baby needs a diaper change. I'm still going to play with you, but first I need to change the baby's diaper."

When she asks me something, I need to answer her right away. If I need a minute to think, I need to say so.

Someone out there is thinking, "What about her behavior! You're just going to let your child be rude and snotty and not do anything about it?!"

Well, I can tell you that what I have been resorting to has been both ineffective and damaging.

This morning when she said "MOM, I'm WAITING for you to play with me," complete with the raised eyebrows and hands on her hips, I said, "Stop being rude! You can say 'Mom, I'm frustrated that you aren't playing with me yet' or...." and I didn't finish my sentence, because it was lame.

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving a kid a script of a more polite, more effective or more thoughtful way of expressing themselves. But it has to be in the context of partnering with them to be the effective communicators they want to be. I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth, that all I was doing was being rude and critical myself. I could see on her face that as soon as I snapped at her about being rude, she was hurt and embarrassed and she shut down.

To some people, it would look like "it worked." Her attitude disappeared immediately and she looked contrite. If I would have finished my script, she would have repeated it after me, and it would have looked like I had succeeded in correcting the behavior.

Correcting the behavior is not my goal, however. I want to know WHY she is acting that way. The truth is that you cannot change someone else, only yourself, so I'm starting with me. What I can do for her is figure out some things about her personality, and help her to grow into them in a healthy way.

I think that her Love Language is Acts of Service, which means that she best receives expressions of love when people do things for her. It might also be Words of Affirmation, which would mean that she feels especially loved when people say kind, uplifting and positive things to her and she is especially sensitive to critical or negative words.

I think her Energy Type is either a Type 2 or a Type 4, which are both introverted energies. If she is a Type 2, she is especially sensitive and has a strong desire to please. So when she gets frustrated, she might be trying to mimic the bold or blunt expression that myself or her Type 3 sister would use or just trying out the power of her words as a typical three year old developmental stage. Because of her sensitivity and need to keep the peace, she immediately recoils at any hint of rebuke. If she is a Type 4, she has the tendency to be bold and direct, and she immediately sees the flaws and imperfections in a situation and has a strong desire to perfect them. Because she is only three, she doesn't know how to express these direct thoughts in a tactful way.

These are things I'll be watching and helping her grow into as she gets older.

The scripts "When_____I feel_____because I need______" are based on the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The author does not include the part about perception in the script, but he does talk about the difference between feelings and perceptions. I add it into my self-talk to help myself differentiate between the two, and between my perceptions and the more objective reality in the situation.

Inevitable Learning- Experiments

2012-01-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

No longer Inevitable Mondays, because I rarely get around to recording what actually happens on Monday and I can just do Inevitable Learning posts any day of the week!

We usually go to the library story time on Wednesdays, but today I had one kid who didn't want to and one kid who did. I didn't really want to go either, so I suggested that we read some books and do a craft at home instead.

Instead of a craft, I decided to look up a science experiment, because last night we were watching Mythbusters and E wanted to do experiments like them. Most of their experiments involve blowing things up, however, and I doubt our mobile home park management would approve. So I opted for making completely non-lethal tornadoes and freezing salt water.

The tornadoes connected back to an interest in tornadoes that came up a few weeks ago. We used these instructions on youtube, but the only glitter we had is glitter glue. So we tried it! We ended up with globs of it that we pretended were houses and barns and things getting picked up by the tornado. It's hard to see in the video, but it actually creates a tunnel effect.

The freezing salt water experiment just sounded fun. We put two cups of water in the freezer- one freshwater and one salt water. We'll take them out in a little while and see which one froze harder.

Nursing in Public: Short and Sweet

2011-12-31T21:02:00.001-08:00

There is no dress code in the Bible and nothing to indicate that Biblically breasts have to be covered *at all.*

We cover our breasts in general in this culture because that is what is culturally appropriate.

However, our culture is seriously messed up when it comes to the normalcy of breastfeeding. I refuse to be a party to that by covering up when I nurse. I don't flash it everywhere, but I don't hide either.

Modesty is an issue of the heart and I'm not trying to seduce men when I breastfeed so that argument is irrelevant.

Being a stumbling block refers to *sinning* and encouraging someone else to sin. Breastfeeding is not a sin so that argument is irrelevant as well.

My First Post As A Guest Blogger: Shame

2011-12-21T17:06:00.000-08:00

I wrote my first post as a guest blogger! It was a post on shame and you can find it at our2crazyboys. It was for a more mainstream audience, so I didn't word things exactly the way I would have here, but the same basic idea comes across.

In writing that post, I felt a twinge of guilt (not shame though, I discuss the difference in that post). I do fairly well with not shaming my kids (though I admit in that post one area where I do fall short), but not so well with not shaming my husband. I don't know why it's so much harder!

I'd love to hear from you about your experiences with shame. Were you shamed as a kid? How does it affect you as an adult? Do you struggle with trying not to shame your kids? Do you find yourself focusing so hard on parenting well, that some of those bad habits manifest in your marriage instead? Comment please!

When did you learn THAT?

2011-12-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, while we were in the car with my mom, E said "Z-O-O spells monkey." I told her that it didn't and she immediately said, "Oh! No! It spells zoo!"

I had no idea where she had picked that up. She tried to explain to me that it was from this electronic game that says the name and sounds of the letters when you push the buttons, but I couldn't remember it saying how to spell any words.

Yesterday, she was talking to someone at the bus stop and said, "Y-O-Y-O spells yoyo." Again, I had no idea where she had picked that up.

Last night, she showed me what she was talking about when she said she got it from this electronic game. Each button has a letter and a picture of something that starts with that letter and the name of the picture. I had never really noticed the names of the pictures, which are in much smaller print than the letters themselves. So this is where she got the spellings of both zoo and yoyo!

The interesting thing is that not all of the pictures are clear. For example, the one that says zoo shows a monkey, which is why she said monkey, but somehow she also knew it was supposed to be representing a zoo. I asked her if she would like to see some other pictures with captions and she said she would, so I'm going to try to find something with simple pictures and captions with them.

Radical Tuesdays- Making Plans

2011-12-15T17:00:00.000-08:00

Last week a mom on a message board was asking about unschooling. In responding to her post I stumbled on expressing a thought that I wanted to expand on:

You can't plan what someone else will learn.

This is the fundamental flaw with schools and curriculums. The system is set up around a plan that the student will learn X and then Y and then Z all "on time." If the student doesn't, they have "failed." This so-called failure is inevitable because you can't plan what someone else will learn.

Unschoolers recognize this, but sometimes think the answer is to stop planning *anything.* Sometimes they are afraid that if they are planning lots of things, someone might think they aren't really unschooling. Sometimes they are afraid that they are misunderstanding unschooling if they make plans to do things.

Granted, a huge benefit of unschooling and homeschooling in general is the freedom from being held to the school system's arbitrary schedule. Part of unschooling is deschooling yourself and realizing that you don't HAVE TO schedule your kids every waking moment. For unschooling to work, it is necessary to drop the fear that if your kids are happy playing all day that they aren't learning. Because they are!

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with making plans. I make plans for myself and my kids all the time. The difference between the types of plans I make and the types of plans influenced by schoolish thought or the use of curriculum is that unschoolers shouldn't be making the mistake of thinking they can plan what their kids will learn. It's impossible! It is perfectly ok, however, to make plans of things to do, places to go, people to see and all kinds of things to make life fun, interesting, rich, and to borrow from Sandra Dodd- SPARKLY! You can't plan what someone else will learn, but make life interesting and they WILL learn.

Here are some things I take into consideration when I'm making plans:

1. Motivation. Are you planning a trip to the zoo because your child loves animals or to expose her to something new? Or are you going to use the plaques in front of each exhibit for a "reading lesson" and come back and do a "unit study" on her favorite animal? You can't plan *what* your child will learn from the zoo, but you can plan to take them, enjoy the time with them, and trust that they are learning whether you see it happening or not.

2. Enjoyment. Is this something you think your child might enjoy? Or is it something that all the "good homeschoolers" do? If you have a choice between a Lego Convention and a Science Museum, don't choose the Museum if you know your child loves legos, just because the museum is more "educational." On the other hand, don't scoff at the museum if you think your child will enjoy it just because it looks "schoolish."

3. Cost. If you pay for an annual membership or 3 months of classes and your child doesn't like it, are you going to force them to go to get your money's worth? Or feel resentful if you let them drop out? Either make sure you can gracefully handle their decline or only pay for a little bit at a time.

4. Flexibility. If you make plans to go somewhere, even if you are excited about it, be willing to change your plans if your child isn't interested. On the other hand, I have heard of parents asking their three year old "Do you want to go to the museum?" and then being disappointed that she doesn't want to go so they never try it. She doesn't know what it is that she is declining! A few days ago, we went to the Discovery Museum. My kids have never gone, so I didn't ask if they wanted to go. I told them a few weeks ago that we were going and when. I have mentioned it a few times since then and tried to explain what it is. On the day of the trip I woke them up and said to get ready, we're going. Once we got there, if they had been bored or overwhelmed or not enjoying themselves for any reason, we would have left (or in this case, sat in the car and waited, since my mom was our ride and visiting with her other grandchildren). Part of unschooing is exposing them to new things, but if they aren't enjoying themselves, it's time to be flexible and let it go. Also, my kids know that they can tell me they don't want to do something and I won't make them. They usually go along with what I plan, but last week their grandma was going to take them to do something (still undecided and vague at that point) while I went shopping. E had been sick and said that she didn't want to do anything with grandma except lay on her couch and watch a movie. So I called my mom and let her know, no big deal.

5. Over Scheduling. I have seen some new unschoolers try to match school hours with their activities thinking that all those "educational things" are a substitute for classroom learning. It's ok to make some plans. It's ok to have periods of busyness if everyone is enjoying it. It's also important to have down time and for kids to have lots of time to play, and to deschool to the point that you are no longer comparing what you are doing to school.

6. Personality. Is your child an introvert or extrovert? A trip to the zoo might be more fun with a group for your extrovert. It might be more better for your introvert to go with just the family and take your time and look carefully at every animal.

7. Tune into your kids. Most importantly, figure out what works for *your* kids, not some theoretical child of the same age, not the kids in your homeschool group, not how your child was last year, but your child right now. Some kids need to know about plans way in advance, some don't mind spontaneity. Some like to go somewhere every day, some prefer to stay home most of the time. Some like crafts or reading about a subject, some like videos. Whatever you are doing, rather than worrying about planning what your child is learning, ask yourself is my child having fun and is this making life interesting?

And on the flip side, if you and your kids do fine just waking up in the morning and winging it, that's great! This is addressing the fear that making plans is somehow anti-unschooling, but if you do fine without plans, don't feel like you have to start making them.

Also, if you or your child are still deschooling, maybe don't jump into making a bunch of plans just yet. Let there be plenty of time to recuperate and decompress and then only add in plans if your child is ready and enjoying them.

Inspiration Sunday- Enjoying Each Age

2011-12-10T14:42:00.001-08:00

In the last 24 hours I have said to D:

"I want a one year old in the house forever!"

"Three is the best age! She is hilarious!"

"I was told six was a really hard age, but I'm seeing lots of maturity and so far it has not been hard at all."

Yes, I'm really enjoying my kids right now.

One year olds are just adorable. I think it's God's little conspiracy to make sure they get loved on even when we are frazzled and tired. Z screams, poops a lot, runs away during diaper changes, throws food on the floor, eats paper, climbs on the table, eats things out of the trash, and is 18 pounds of destruction and chaos. But she makes this squishy face that cracks me up even though she won't let me get it on camera, she toddles around taking herself quite seriously, she kisses and hugs us all, she makes little squeaking sounds when she nurses, and she puts her head on the floor like she's going to do a somersault, but ends up walking around with her head scootching across the carpet. And people who get mad about babies wiggling during diaper changes have no idea what they are missing. I take her pants off, she runs away. She laughs and comes back. I take her diaper off, she runs away again, naked little butt mooning the world. She laughs and comes back and I raspberry her tummy. I put the new diaper on and she runs away again. Act of utter defiance or fun bonding time? You are the parent, you get to decide how you respond.

Three year olds are God's gift to the humorously challenged. I can't stand potty humor in most cases- give me some good sarcastic wit. But L talking about farting can leave me in stitches. For example, my recent facebook status:

L just came into the room laughing and said "I farted!" I said, "That's fascinating, my dear." She answered, "Yah! It's not stinky, it's funny! Now I need hot chocolate because inside my body is cold." Apparently, farting cools off the insides.

Today, she looked at me with the most serious expression, furrowed her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side. "What are you doing?" she asked. It was if the answer would help her unlock the mystery of my parental super powers, the unsolvable riddle of "How did you know THAT [E and I got chocolate, but you couldn't see us]?"

Six year olds are God's gift to parents of younger children. Parenting three is actually easier in some ways than parenting one was. E plays with L all day, helps keep Z off the table and out of the cupboards, brings me diapers, and makes sure the tub gets drained after baths. She is trustworthy and responsible for her age. She loves being the big kid who gets to stay up after her sisters fall asleep to eat ice cream with mom and dad, and gets to go outside to play with the neighborhood kids by herself. She is getting more and more interesting to talk to, though we've always had great conversations, but they are just getting better as she gets older. I need to remember to do less talking and more listening, because I want to soak up her perspective before it gets tainted by all the realities of the world.

What ages are your kids and what are you enjoying about them right now?

Radical Tuesday- Posted UnRules (Solutions!)

2011-12-07T18:36:00.001-08:00

I know some families post the "rules of the house" so that everything is known and consistent for the kids. I have never considered doing this because we don't have 100% set in stone rules in our house. We have "keep messy food out of the bedrooms because of the potential for ants" and "you can jump on the couch, but don't climb on the back because it's starting to rip" and "PLEASE for the LOVE of ALL that is GOOD- put your towel in the bathroom when you are done with it." But, those would be awfully long to write out and post on the wall. And they are flexible!

I have, however, borrowed from this idea of posting rules and I have sometimes posted solutions. I may have posted (or maybe just thought about it) a while back about the reminder note that I wrote for the girls to bring their apples back into the kitchen. They wanted to take apples in their bedroom, and we were fighting ants all summer so my first reaction was NO! Then we talked about it and I told them my concern that the half eaten apples would get left in the bedroom. They promised not to leave them. I said we would need to come up with something to help them remember, rather than just relying on their memories.

I ended up writing a note that said "Bring your apples back in the kitchen" and posting it on their bedroom door.
They can't read, of course, but they knew what it said. They were part of the solution and understood the terrible ant problem (well, this was mostly E, but she helped L) and just seeing the paper on the door helped them remember.

More recently, they have been leaving their towels on the floor in the living room and bedrooms after they dry off after a bath.
They take *at least* three baths a day just for fun, so I was picking up and reminding them to pick up a lot of towels. They are both usually pretty happy to put their own towel back when I reminded them, but one day E did NOT want to put it back. I told her that I was tired of picking up the towels and reminding them to do it, and that it seemed like she was tired of putting her towel away too, so we needed to figure out something that would work better. She agreed, but didn't have any ideas. So I said that when I take a shower, I dry off in the bathroom and then put the towel away right away. So I NEVER have to pick up my towel off the floor! I suggested putting a note in the bathroom so they would remember to leave their towels in there. They agreed, I posted a note that says "Leave Towels In The Bathroom" and there has not been a single towel on the floor for well over a week. To top it off, they are SO EXCITED that they remember to put their towels away and come running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, look! No towel!"

My husband recently had an idea to make his "honey do" list more appealing.
He is a Type 1 according to It's Just My Nature, which means he is fun loving and random, so this is the kind of thing that makes his life interesting, and makes me and my Type 4ness scratch my head, but hey, whatever works! The kids have this spinner from some old game that has the numbers 1 through 6. So he told me to make him a list of the 6 projects I want him to get done this week and number them. Every day he spins the spinner and does the job associated with the number on which the spinner lands.

The kids thought this was so cool!
So E asked me to make her a list of jobs to do too. I thought of six things the girls can (and sometimes already did) help with: wash the table and counter, take out the trash, wash the front of the fridge and stove, put away their own laundry, vacuum and make a meal. E is so excited to spin it every day and do her "job" (sometimes more than one) and L goes along for the ride and helps.

Z is in a Big Hurry to Get Big!

2011-11-21T11:23:00.001-08:00

I remember having to lay the chairs on their sides to prevent table dancing with the other two kids, but not this young! She will be 11 months in a few days. Yesterday, she climbed to the second rung of the bunk bed ladder and would have kept going if I didn't stop her. A few days ago, she brought a toy drum over next to a five gallon bucket, so she could use the drum as a step to get onto the bucket. As long as she doesn't start jumping off everything like her sisters do!

It really is true though that they are often capable of so much more than we give them credit for. I have found with all three of mine that by my taking their little dare devil stunts in stride, they are actually quite safe, because they learn quickly what their bodies are capable of. They are confident, strong and agile, and this keeps them much safer than parental helicoptering ever could.

Inevitable Mondays- Strewing Games

2011-11-14T18:54:00.001-08:00

Yesterday when I organized their games, I pulled out some things they had not seen for a long time including a big bucket full of plastic and foam letters. They spent a lot of time playing with them today- stacking them in piles, spreading them all over the table, pretending they were pancakes and trying to spell words. At one point, E asked me how to spell "whispers," and after she was done putting all the letters together she tried to sound it out. She insisted that the R and the S on the end needed to be reversed. We went back and forth for a few minutes- in a relaxed, playful way, not arguing- and then I let it go. She was wrong of course, but that's not important right now. She was really working through sounding out the letters and trying to place them the way she was hearing them. That's an important part of learning to read! L was having fun naming the letter and number "pancakes." ("I want a S pancake! Now a blue one!")

Pulling out the games was one more step in the most recent ebb (or flow?) of this ebbing and flowing life. For the last few weeks, we've been settling in to new routines for the winter. The girls had been taking dance and gymnastics classes, but since we are without a car, it is now to cold to walk. All summer they played outside in our yard for hours every day, but now they stay inside more. So I've been working on finding more indoor things to do. Now that the games are organized I can see clearly what we need to get for Hanukkah gifts. I'm also going to get them some art supplies and E might be getting a trampoline for her birthday. I went searching for online games for them to play and found this list of the Top 10. Ignore the intro- it's a totally mainstream "get your kid to learn by making it fun!" kind of thing. Maybe I'll post reviews of the games once the girls start playing them more

.

Can Radical Unschoolers Have a Schedule? Part 2

2011-11-13T22:11:00.001-08:00

How does my schedule work with radical unschooling?

I'm organizing MY day, not theirs. If they are happy playing with each other, it is irrelevant to them whether I do dishes first or make phone calls first, whether I play on the computer or get something accomplished. We are in a stage right now where my activities and my children's activities are often separate, but side by side. We frequently intersect with each other, but I don't need to revolve all of my activities around them and I don't need to control their activities in order to get mine accomplished. I am honestly surprised to be in this place with my children still so young, and it feels almost taboo to say such a thing in some attachment parenting circles, but truly my day does not revolve around my kids, nor does their day revolve around me.

I'm flexible. Here is how today worked out. After my little morning routine, I wanted to get the house straightened up since I don't do any cleaning on Shabbot it was messy from yesterday. I started on dishes, but then E was asking about hearts and wanted to look up some videos. So I stopped cleaning and we watched an open heart surgery. Then I found the girls some vidoes with songs about the skeletal system and while they watched, I went back to cleaning. My plan was to work on my business plan next, but D put a movie on the computer for them so I couldn't use it. So I basically just flip flopped my morning plan with my afternoon plan and worked on organizing their games and making some phone calls. Then my afternoon was thrown off because someone came to look at a trailer we are selling and that took an hour. It was good though, because the girls and I needed the fresh air and that got us outside. Then my mom took the girls on a date to a movie and D and I decided to take advantage of it and watch our own movie at home, which I usually never do during the day. I didn't start working on my business plan until after five o'clock, but I managed to get in more than the 2 hours I was originally planning while D made dinner and put a movie on for the girls before bed.

Usually my days go closer to the plan than today did, but my goal is not for my day to fit my perfect plan. My goal is to 1) move through my day with purpose, getting *something* accomplished and 2) keeping my kids my priority and being available for them as much as they need me. No mater what I am doing or have planned, if the baby needs to nurse, I nurse her. If the kids are hungry for lunch, I make lunch. If the kids need me, I drop what I am doing, whether it's to help them resolve a conflict or because one wants to snuggle or if a interest comes up that we can explore further. I have noticed that because I do have a plan in place that includes time for the kids and is flexible, I don't get stressed out that I won't get things accomplished when I stop to spend time with them.

Maybe that does sound like it revolves around them, but what I mean is that *right now* I do not have the often bemoaned stay-at-home mom dilemma of feeling like I need to entertain my kids all day long. E and L spend large chunks of the day playing together, and Z either follows them around or hangs out in the carrier on my back while I work. Throughout the day I will check on how they are doing, or they will come show me something and we'll talk for a minute, or they will help me with something and then run off to play again, or we will read a book or snuggle with a movie. But I am not moving them through *their* days. It feels very The Continuum Concept-ish and it is really nice.

I have actually discovered that I feel more relaxed and I have less anxiety since I have embraced living like a type 4. I also noticed (and this will be a shock to my family of origin) that I don't like messes. Really. They set me on edge. I always had a messy room as a kid, and I have never been the greatest housekeeper and I never realized how much it bugged me. I was too overwhelmed and I didn't have the skills to keep up on it, so I was simultaneously used to living that way and irritated by it. I'm still far from a neat freak, mostly because I have little kids and I have to set priorities with my time, and following my kids around and cleaning all day is not one of them. BUT I have also made it a priority to own less clutter, to set aside daily cleaning times, and to have things picked up at least 5 nights a week and do a more thorough cleaning job once a week. Also, if I noticed that I am feeling irritable for no apparent reason, I can now pinpoint when I am feeling that way because of the clutter around me, and instead of taking it out on my family, I can channel it into doing a quick 10 minute clean up time.

My Schedule: Moving through my Days With Purpose Part One

2011-11-13T20:41:00.001-08:00

For years I have avoided using any kind of schedule. As a teenager, I managed to go to high school, take college classes and work by flying by the seat of my pants. I procrastinated, crammed, stayed up late, went to school in my pajamas, got detention for being late to first period almost daily, usually missed breakfast, and spent lunch breaks doing homework for the class immediately after. I also graduated high school, got an associates degree, and was promoted at work (and never late there) before I turned 18. The teacher who frequently gave me detention for being late, also gave me a B in that AP English class. So.... it worked.

Since I have had kids, I have been a "loose routine" sort of mom. We sleep when we are tired and eat when we are hungry, but have had a loose routine based on time-oriented things that are a part of our lives. When I was managing apartments, there was certain work that had to be done on certain days. I had to be up and dressed, ready to be in the office by a reasonable time in the morning. Loose weekly routines have revolved around dance or yoga classes, library story times and home school play days.

I have slowly gotten more structured over the last few years. A few years ago, I started making 5 year plans that detail the things I want to learn/accomplish/do in the next 5 years in my personal development, finances, spirituality, business, and health.. I update it every year. Then I review it monthly and determine what I can do *this* month to work on those goals. Then I plan my week every Saturday night and add in the smaller steps that will help me accomplish that month's goals.

Each individual day, however, has looked different from every other day and as long as I was getting my "to do" list done, I thought I was happy with that (but often I would get a LOT done one day and be cranky about it, and nothing done the next day and be cranky about that). For the kids, I have on occasion used a magnetic picture calendar just so they can see what is coming next. I used it in such a way that they have input on what we were doing that day and it could change if their wishes changed, but it would give them a visual of what the day would look like. I have not used it for the last year, however, and they don't seem to miss it. We talk about our plans for the day and have a loose routine and that seems to be sufficient. I have noticed that they like to have at least one "set-in-stone" preferably out of the house, thing to do each day- park, library, shopping, friend's house.

So, why have I embraced more structure recently? I read a book called It's Just My Nature!, which is an energy profiling system, similar to a personality typing system, but oh so much more! At first I thought I was a type 3, but I soon started waffling between thinking I was a type 3 and a type 4. I have finally decided that I am a type 4, with a strong secondary type 3, and I have lived as a type 3 for most of my life. The more I embraced the calm, still qualities of being a type 4, the more I realized that I feel better when I am moving in a linear direction, with a plan.

I hit upon a phrase that really struck a chord with what I was desiring- Moving through my days with purpose. I have finally found a system that works *for me* and true to my type 4 nature, it could not be a system that anyone else designed. I have a big 18 month binder style calendar. I put my to-do list on the spaces for each day. Every morning I get a fresh piece of notebook paper and make my schedule for the day. Every day starts out the same with breakfast, taking my calcium magnesium, planning my day and spending some time alone in prayer and reading my Bible. Beyond that, each day still looks different from the next and I like that variety, but I have some direction, written down for what I want to accomplish before lunch and then what I want to accomplish before dinner. I don't schedule it down to the hour, but depending on the day in 2-4 hour chunks. I throw the paper away at the end of the day, so all that is left on the semi-permanent record of my calendar is my crossed off to-do list. This works much better for me than writing down every detail on the calendar (a bit of perfectionism in me would cause me to develop a nervous twitch if I wrote down "laundry" on every day and missed it twice a week) and it works better than grabbing a random piece of paper to write down today's to-do list, but not having anywhere set and permanent to write down what I need to do next week and thus forget and/or procrastinate.

Inevitable Monday- Uno

2011-11-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

Last night we all walked to the store to get a movie from redbox, but the magnetic strip on my debit card is all worn out and it wouldn't work. So, we decided to buy a new game and picked up Uno. We played a few times last night and the first thing the girls wanted to do this morning was to play again.
E mostly gets the concept, but needs a little help. L is happy just to be playing and have her own cards. Both are learning from playing the game. Colors, numbers, taking turns, being team mates, strategy, matching and more.

Zombie Survival

2011-11-06T12:41:00.000-08:00

Zombies..... not a normal topic here, but my husband has started a blog on Zombie Survival Tips and Training.
Check it out! Or pass it on to your Zombie Apocalypse fearing friends and family.

My own tip to avoid becoming a zombie:

Don't go to school!

Perspective Thursday- An Interview

2011-11-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

What's your favorite thing to play?
Dress Up

What is your favorite, dance or gymnastics?
Everything in dance and gymnastics.

What do you want to be when you grow up
A firefighter

What do you think about homeschooling?
Homeschooling is fun!

What do you think about your new bunk bed?
It's fun! We flip and hang on the bars and go woop!

What is something you learned recently?
How to flip. (E)
How to do a back somersault. (L)

What do you think about baby Z?
She's funny and she ouches me a lot, but I still love her.

Who cooks better food, mommy or daddy?
Oh, Daddy! Daddy's a great chef!

What is your favorite book?
Books about bones.

What are you excited about?
Daddy's birthday!

What are you sad about?
I miss my friend Y. (E)

What else do you want to tell me?
I like princess blankets!

L wasn't very interested in answering, so most of these answers are E's.

Radical Tuesdays- Curriculum

2011-10-31T17:33:00.000-07:00

The next time someone asks me what curriculum we use, I'm going to say youtube. I usually say "real life," which is true, but so often things come up that would be very difficult to take my kids to see or experience. Some things, like the tornadoes we just watched, I wouldn't want them to experience too closely! Youtube lets us see those things that other real people have really seen and video taped. I love books, I even enjoyed workbooks as a kid. My kids like the occasional math or reading workbook or coloring books that are designed to "teach" colors and shapes. However, there is something much more REAL about seeing something someone else has seen. It lack some aspects of the real life experience, but it is WAY better in other ways than reading about something in a book.